Last weekend I read some writings done by another widow. I was touched by her words and feelings conveyed by those words. She is just 8 months into this widow journey and here I am almost 4 years into it and I wonder if I will always be this sad. I guess I really thought over time I would start to feel better and not miss Troy so much but that isn’t true. I see him everywhere, he is constantly in my thoughts, all the millions of memories we made together. All the memories interwoven in my mind, I am so thankful for them. The good times, the not so good times, they are me. He helped shape me into who I am today. He will always be a part of me. I just wish the sadness and loneliness wasn’t there. When I married him, I sure didn’t think that one day I would have to say goodbye to him and go it alone. I remember standing in the kitchen hugging him, asking him to please not leave me here all alone. I saw tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to leave. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now. Just thinking about him and his absence does that to me. I am so much more emotional now than I ever was. I feel things so deeply. Everything touches me to my core now. He isn’t physically here yet I see him everywhere. His work shoes still sit by his chair. He influences every decision I make. He lives in my heart and mind. He’s just a thought away. I wish I could touch him, feel his skin, hear his voice, his laugh. I look around the garage and I am angry sometimes for all that he left me with. His things are everywhere. Not necessarily things he needed, but maybe just things he wanted. I feel so frustrated sometimes. What to do with it all, and he’s not here to help me. To guide me, to tell me what to do with it all.
Jane is a Widow 