Jane is a Widow

and good vibes to my friend Barb in Indiana. Her cancer has spread and they did surgery Thursday and she has to have more surgery next Friday. I hope to make a trip to Indiana this year and stop by and see her. She’s living in a nursing home, wishing you well Barb. I have such fond memories of our friendship….get well soon

parents to talk to. I could share with them the information I have about Troy. There’s really no one I can share it with except them and they aren’t here either. So I have to keep it to myself and it’s such major news it saddens me that I have to keep it to myself. Things would have been so different in our lives had we known this 40 years ago. I guess I will carry it to my grave. I’m thankful for the knowledge now but wish it had been sooner. But things don’t always go our way, they are always Gods way….miss you Troy

from what I found out yesterday. It’s really unbelievable to me. To find something out some forty years later because of medical advances. It puts a whole new spin on things. Dredged up a lot of pain. So I guess I now have answers to many questions. I know it would be painful for Troy to know but also would answer a lot of his questions. I think it was meant for me to find this out after he passed. Love you Troy…..

today something very disturbing about Troy medically. I find it quite upsetting and sad that I am unable to share this information with him since he has passed away. He would be as stunned as I am if he were alive. It explains some of his medical issues. Advancements in medical has allowed this to be known. It saddens me that this information wasn’t available to us years ago….it explains a lot. Troy I wish I could share this information with you….I finally understand.

Troy started his job at EDS. It was a big change for him. He was now wearing a suit and tie and was doing computer programming instead of making sure machines were operating correctly. When he passed things started shifting. Actually the day of his funeral was an ordeal. Things were going on that were really unnecessary. It was all a sign of things to come. It was a plan in the making and doing it after Troy passed was all in the plan. He would have been furious to see what was going on. Now that I look at the big picture, it’s all clear. It wasn’t clear then but I was in a widows fog. You like to think people are looking out for you but they aren’t always. They are looking out for themselves, they have a plan and they implement it. It’s all about them, it was never about you….

it’s been 12 years since Troy took his last breath. A lot has changed. The most important thing to Troy was his family. He cried at one of my hospital visits and said he wanted the family to get along. Unfortunately he would be very disappointed and sad at the fractured state of our family. I should have seen it coming. But I was in such a state of fog when he died that I shrugged comments and things off. I’m glad he’s not here to see it. Life is so short, and if your family doesn’t mean anything to you then what does. When they are gone there’s no going back. I miss you Troy….

On this day in 2014 at 5:23 pm, I watched Troy take his last breath. God knows I miss him every single day. I’m such a better person for him having been in my life. I wrote a few random thoughts of my life with him for the 42 years we were together. From the day I met him until the day I said goodbye. Forever in my heart.

Beads of rain trickled down
in crooked, broken lines
a gentle reminder
of how fragile your life

I held your hand
the day you left
and looked into yours eyes
as death slowly crept

I whispered I love you
How we would be all right
How sad I knew I’d be
without you by my side

When I first met you
It was love at first sight
I felt it in my heart
and this I know is true

You were the best Dad
and husband no doubt
But how lonely I’ve been
since we’ve been apart

You made my life richer
just by being here
now it is so empty
and there sits your chair

I feel you everywhere
in the wind and crisp morning air
and when It’s cloudy no sunlight
I want to hug you oh so tight

I know I’ll always miss you
But I will be all right
Cause I’m slowly moving forward
and on with my life

of the night and I’m sitting here thinking about past times. It’s close to Troy’s angelversary and I’m always emotional around that day. It doesn’t get easier, the grief is ever changing. I think I’ll try to go to sleep and see if I find him in my dreams…..💔

Troy on this Fathers Day. That was your most loved job, Dad. You put your all into it. A while back I gave Ashley all the newspaper clippings you saved that were about her achievements in four sports. You laminated some of the articles, she thanked me for saving all those memories for her. I told her you had clipped them all. Missing my Dad today too. I remember taking him to MCL cafeteria for Father’s Day. I salute you two great dads and not to forget Troy’s Dad who was also an awesome man. It was like having two Dads for me, I was one lucky girl. Thank you all for all the love, guidance, and wonderful memories of all that you added to my life. Save me a seat….

don’t understand the grief that goes with losing your spouse. It’s a different grief from losing a parent. A lot of people don’t have empathy for widows/widowers. Their life goes on but ours stops dead in our tracks. Where do we go from here. We change in order to cope with our loss. We are never the same. I know Troy would want me to be safe, have help from others because he mentioned that on his deathbed. He wanted me to have people that would be there for me. Cause he would do that for others if he could. Unfortunately people let us down because they don’t understand what we are going through. If they are married they will someday go through the same thing unfortunately. I believe Troy would be glad that Melvin is here to help me when I need it. Troy would not want me to be all alone. Melvin has picked up where others have left me….for that I am thankful.