When I woke up this morning I was in one of those funky moods where I question everything decision I make. It’s like I never trust myself to make the right decision. All those years of depending on him to help me make decisions has left me unable to make any on my own or so I think it has. It’s like I don’t trust myself to make the right decision. Like I’m not capable of it. I always thought he would be here, always. Never did I think I would be waking up every morning without him in my life. That only happens to other people, not me. He always knew the right thing to say. No matter what was going on he knew the answer. But none of that could save him. It can’t save me. He was so smart. And you never realize how important people in your life are until they are gone. And you’re left with everything, all the decisions, all the loneliness. And everyone thinks you are supposed to hurry up and move forward. They try and compare the loss of a parent to it or getting divorced. There is no comparison. I grew up with Troy. We learned things together. I learned so much from him. More than I ever learned before we met. It’s like you mesh together into one being. You’re separate yet you aren’t. So when they are no longer alive, there’s this big empty space inside you. All of the memories and thoughts are there but it ceases to entail new information. It comes to a screeching halt. The days spent with him stopped, his voice stopped, I no longer heard his car coming down the driveway, or him walking down the stairs. No longer able to answer my questions or help me make decisions. It was like my heart was crushed, broken. It has jagged edges now, not all smooth. Forever changed.
Jane is a Widow 