Today would have been our 42nd anniversary. I found myself in tears last night and this morning. I was so happy on this day 42 years ago. I thought he would always be in my life. But he slipped away, out of my life forever. I just get so lost in the sadness of it all sometimes. I sometimes feel like I am on a roller coaster, riding the waves of grief. Some days I feel so optimistic, like I have come so far and other days I feel like I am back at the starting line getting ready to run the race of my life. There was kind of a relief when he took his last breath, no more watching him struggle daily yet that also meant I could no longer touch or hear him. I look at other couples and I will admit I’m jealous. Why is their spouse still alive. Why did mine have to die. I needed Troy just as much as they need theirs. Then there are the couples who bicker constantly yet they continue on. I always felt like God brought us together, he also took us apart. He left me on my own to wallow in my grief and sadness. There is just a sea of us grievers, bobbing up and down on the waves. Sometimes it’s like I can’t come up for air. That I am going to suffocate in my grief. We comfort each other, cause we know the pain. I’ve found someone to share my feelings with. He has helped me immensely. I don’t feel so all alone now, I feel loved. I am so changed. I never knew what I had deep inside of me until I had to reach for it.
Jane is a Widow 