I haven’t been here in a while, feelings have been up and down. Mostly down. I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but I find myself back-pedaling a lot. I’ve let myself get so content with just being in my home, in my space with my dogs. I am merely existing. Not really living. I keep telling myself to get up and step forward but I find myself right back where I started. Troy made everything right, he always knew what to do and when to do it. I have lost all sense of direction since he’s been gone. I am sure he would be disappointed in me. I often remember the remark he made about someone who had a car wreck in our neighborhood and died. The family put up a cross where the wreck happened. On more than one occasion he said to me, you would think the family would just move forward and not put up a cross……. I think of that a lot. You see it’s harder to do than you think. Unless you’ve been through it, you just don’t get it. Everything in your life comes to a screeching halt, nothing is ever the same, NOTHING!! I hate that phrase “pick up the pieces” You can’t pick up the pieces. How do you pick up the pieces of your life you had together. They don’t fit anymore. They are all jagged and sharp. No color. There is such a big piece missing that you can never replace, nothing will ever fit there. You try but it just doesn’t fit.
Jane is a Widow 