I didn’t write anything on October 16 which was a day from hell for sure in 2013. I can still remember standing in the outpatient area looking at Troy as he moaned and groaned and hearing the doctor say the word “cancer”. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and tell him he was lying, Troy did not have cancer. He was going to be just fine. You know how when you’re a kid and you put your fingers in your ears and sing lalalalala while someone is trying to tell you something you don’t want to hear, well I wanted to do that so bad. Scream lalalalalala at the top of my lungs and plug both ears so I couldn’t hear all the awful things the doctor was saying. I ran to the bathroom and called Trey, and I remember saying your Dad has cancer. What are we going to do? And if that wasn’t bad enough, he needed to go by ambulance to the hospital because the doctor had perforated his esophagus. And one of the nurses kept telling Troy to be quiet. That pissed me off. Tell someone who is in agony to be quiet, are you kidding me? I reported her to the doctor and the hospital, they said a perforation of the esophagus is very painful. And she was telling him to be quiet. I wanted to scream would someone please stop this merry go round so I can get off. My head was just spinning from it all. I just kept thinking this cannot be happening but it was, Troy who was one of the kindest people I have ever known had cancer and it was bad. When we got to the hospital the doctor was showing me how it had already spread to his lungs and liver. Again I wanted to plug my ears and sing lalalalalala. It was all so surreal, like I was outside looking in. Like it couldn’t really be happening, but it was. I always feel sad around this time of the year. Troy loved autumn and so do I but I can’t forget the day our lives did a complete turn around. Our lives would never be the same. And that day will forever be etched in my mind. The beginning of hell.
Jane is a Widow 