Author: janep38

I’m working on making changes. I’ve been talking with a realtor. And I’ve decided to start looking at RVs. It’s hard to believe that I’m approaching the 10 year anniversary of Troy’s passing. A lot has happened in those ten years. He crosses my mind every day. It’s just so hard to believe how different my life is now. And it’s ever changing. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m also working on de-cluttering. It’s amazing how much stuff you accumulate over the years and a lot of it you don’t really need. So forward it is till I get where I want to be. I’m getting closer…..

Talked to my bestie last night. It had been awhile so needless to say we had a lot of catching up to do. We’ve known each other since third grade. When we talk we always try to save the world lol. I’m trying to talk her into going to our 50th high school reunion this year. The last time we went together to one it was in downtown Middletown at the community building. We still laugh about that one. It was hilarious. The four of us had a funny time. There was a fight between two classmates. Never a dull moment lol. We always thought they could have picked somewhere better than the community building in Middletown lol. Awwww memories…..

I realize now many years later that things I did for other people were not appreciated. But that’s the thing with hindsight. I wish I had known that spending twenty years making monthly payments on tuition would not be appreciated, I would have invested in myself. I could use that now that I’m widowed. Troy was also making a monthly payment on tuition. He had a loan and I had a loan. I’ve always believed in doing good for others cause I always thought it was appreciated, but I guess I was wrong. I’ve never taken for granted what others have done for me, but that’s me. Not everyone thinks the way you do. So for now I look at things differently. Just another change!

Another widow passed away today. She was remarried. It seems like we have lost a lot of friends this year. It’s so important that we are there for each other. Sadly our widowhood is what unites us all. We can relate to what each of us is going through. We are united.

I found my journal that I wrote in for several years. I’ve decided to start writing again. When I read past entries it amazed me how much things have changed. I will continue to make entries because it enables us to see how things going on in our life affect us. It gives insight into how others have affected us by how they treated us. The “truth” always wins.

It’s a beautiful day out, getting ready to go meet “our people” for dinner. I was thinking about Troy when I was outside. He loved spring. He would be getting ready to plant his tomatoes. It frustrated him that we couldn’t grow tomatoes here like we did in Indiana. But every year he tried. I realized something today, when someone can no longer control you, they turn on you. Sad but it’s true. Just keep moving forward, good people don’t do that to others. They love them no matter what. Truth!

Always look for signs from those around you. In that first year I missed quite a few. As I look back now, everything falls into place. There were times little snide remarks were made to me but I let them slide. I should have never done that. Maybe I could have prevented some of the things that happened. I’ve always been too trusting, plus I have in the past not stood up for myself. I put up with unkind things people said and did to me. Not anymore. There are certain things you shouldn’t do that first year. I wish I hadn’t made a will during that time. I have had mine changed since some major things have happened since then. Being in that fog the first year affects your reasoning and actions. I didn’t see people as they really were. I do now. Grief is ever changing.

I’m nearing the 10 year anniversary of Troy’s passing. Wow, hard to believe it’s been that long, sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I’ve learned so much about people, people that you thought you could count on through thick or thin. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t exist. They get what they want from you and then send you a letter telling you what a horrible person you are and always have been. Yup, it happened to me. Right there in black and white in case I need to be reminded of what an awful person I am and have always been. I’ve shown the letter to my friends and they just laugh, because they can’t believe how ridiculous and stupid it is. And it also saddens and infuriates them that it was sent. I wish I had known that I was in a widow fog for the first year. I could have prevented a lot of things from happening. If you should lose your spouse, remember that everything that was theirs is now yours. Protect yourself. Look out for yourself because no one else is. Sorry to say they don’t care. It just adds pain to the pain you are already experiencing because of the loss of your spouse. Protect yourself!

I received an email yesterday from one of my cousins in Indiana. She was wishing me a happy 17th birthday. She sent me family pictures taken at Thanksgiving. It was great seeing pictures of everyone. Wendell is my last living uncle. He looks really good and is still working on his walnuts. That is his hobby. I’m hoping to see them in the near future. I just reconnected with one of my other cousins, Yvonne. I was always so close to her sister Vickie. We were the same age and we stayed in touch over the years. Thanks Sherry for wishing me a Happy Birthday!