Author: janep38

Wish I could stay here in my happy place. Maybe some day I will. I noticed today how much my heart attack damaged my body. My stamina is not what it used to be, but I continue to pray that someday it will be. I just keep plugging along and keep looking for even a smidgeon of improvement. We must never give up. That’s not even an option. Can’t wait to see what tomorrows adventures will be.

I’m here!!!!

As the saying goes, all pictures tell a story. I’m getting ready to discard a lot of pictures from Troy’s mom. I have no idea who the people are, and he didn’t know either. As far as I know all of Troy’s cousins have passed, so asking them about them isn’t an option. It’s really sad, cause the children of his cousins wouldn’t know who they are. All these pictures meant something to someone many years ago. I’m sad that I’m discarding pictures that meant a lot to someone. They were someone’s memories. I have all of my mothers pictures that were taken in Germany. She wrote in the album who they were. People should always try to do that, so those who come after us will know who they are.

I was going through photos and came across photos of my beloved Sadie. She was one of a kind. Troy and I were out shopping one day and as we were sitting at the stop light, I noticed a lady in a van with 2 black schnauzer puppies. I said oh I want one, so we stopped and talked to the lady. One was a male and the other was a female. I asked Troy if we could please get the female, he said if Ashley agreed we would get her. I knew Ashley would never say no to a puppy. So began our life with Sadie. There was never a dull moment. There was a special connection between me and her. After Troy passed, she would bark at me every morning telling me to get up. I didn’t want to get up but her and Lucy made me. She would patrol around the pool every day. She was quite the hunter, sadly she caught many a rabbit until I finally stopped them from getting into the fenced area. She developed a heart murmur and was put on meds, and then sadly she developed Cushings. But she kept plugging along. After Kim blessed me with Jude, Sadie was busy teaching her, Jude followed Sadie everywhere. I thought she would always be with me. She started coughing one night, the vet said it was congestive heart failure and there was really nothing we could do. The humane thing was to let her go. Melvin wasn’t able to be with me at the time, so I had to take Sadie all by myself. It was so very hard that I was all alone. I remember saying bye to her and I just couldn’t quit crying. I didn’t go to work the next day. I had just lost another piece of our life together. I miss her every day, she was such a special dog. I loved all my dogs, but me and her had a special bond. She helped save me after Troy passed. And for that I’m forever grateful.

Lately I’ve been thinking about Indiana a lot. This time of the year is just beautiful there. I miss the autumn season we had there. It was Troy’s favorite. The smell of burning leaves in the air and the beautiful colors of the leaves. I have so many memories of our 42 years together. They used to bring tears to my eyes, now when I remember something I feel so thankful that I have wonderful memories. You can never prepare yourself for the death of your spouse. You haven’t a clue how your life is about to flip upside down, turn inside out, and never be the same. Just hold on and take a seat cause you will soon be so lost in the fog you wonder if you will ever find your way out.

I don’t really know why I decided to go over things that happened in 2013 and 2014. I don’t know, maybe I was hoping for a different ending. Like going through it all in my mind, I could change the outcome? We all know the ending. As Troy once said, “it is what it is”. So I think I will stop here, it’s just too painful to relive those last days. Reliving it messes with my head and makes me so sad. I sometimes feel angry at Troy for leaving me behind. It was supposed to be forever. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful for Melvin, he’s been a godsend. I’m so thankful for him. I’m so thankful he was here when I had my heart attack, I don’t know if I would have been able to call 911. Thank you God and Melvin. I’ve went through other stressful events since Troy passed and there was no one there for me, now there is. Thanks Melvin.

Troy’s tumor numbers continued to look worse and worse. I did some research and found that UT Southwestern in Dallas had an oncologist which specialized in esophageal cancer. I thought maybe he would have some fresh ideas on how to get Troy’s numbers moving in the right direction. I made an appointment and after we met with the oncologist he came up with a new plan. His chemo cocktail was changed. We were praying it would help. Thank God he wasn’t nauseated from it, he was just still in a lot of pain from the radiation. The next round of blood work looked promising. His tumor numbers were moving in the right direction. He also had to have an injection every other week that costs $10,000, it was to boost his white blood cell count. I was so shocked when I saw how much the injection costs. Fingers crossed, we moved forward. Thank you God. We were now in 2014, I prayed that Troy would continue to move in the right direction.

During his treatment, Troy stayed true to himself. No matter how bad he felt or how much pain he was in, he remained true to his goal. KICK CANCER’S BUTT. I knew him better than anyone else and vice versa. He’s not here to defend himself, so to say things that supposedly occurred while he was still alive, is unfair. But that’s what dishonest people do. They wait until circumstances favor them and make up lies. Troy would be so disappointed, that’s what all our friends say. The important thing to remember is people know the truth. I’m so thankful for all our friends. Thank God for people in my life who are honest and true. They have my back.

When I let the dogs out this morning it felt very strange. Something in the air felt familiar. The morning felt like it did back in 2013. Brought tears to my eyes. Our life had taken a sharp left turn and there was no going back. This was it. The fact that we didn’t like it, didn’t matter. I have days where I feel like I’m back there, and this was one of them. There is so much intertwined in our lives. There are memories everywhere I look. This was about the same time my Aunt Allie and a cousin took my Aunt Beulah for a visit to Kentucky. I wish I had known they were going to do that cause I would have told them not to. One of the worst things you can do to someone who is suffering from dementia is to take them out of their comfort zone. Allie called me from Kentucky and asked me what I was going to do cause Beulah was acting upset. There was nothing I could do, you just need to get her home. Which they did, more stress is not what I needed. Allie wanted me to come up there because of Beulah, I told her I really couldn’t because Troy was dealing with cancer. I loved Beulah dearly, but I just couldn’t get up there. Sometimes all of these memories hit me it seems like all at once. I just sort through them and try to move forward. That’s all you I can do.