Author: janep38

Yesterday was my Aunt Beulah’s birthday. I miss her so much, she was like a mother to me. I really felt so much love from her, she never had children of her own and she would always tell me that I was her daughter. I remember after having major surgery when Trey was 2, my mother told me if I needed any help to ask my Aunt Beulah for help. Thank God for my aunt who stepped right up to the plate and helped. She cooked meals and brought them to us so I didn’t have to cook. During that time me and my aunt became very close. I couldn’t have done it without her. My mother would later resent my relationship with my aunt but thanks to her we became close. I remember when I was in grade school I used to go and stay all night with her and Charles, her husband. He treated her like gold, he was such a good man who died way too young. I don’t think Beulah ever got over losing him. She would marry again, he was a nice guy but nothing like Charles. Her first husband, Cecil, abused her by beating her and I remember her telling me the story of how he wrapped a belt around her neck and was choking her. She was finally able to get away from him and years after that is when she met Charles. She was a hard worker just like all my Dad’s siblings were. They were all close to each other too, not like me and my siblings. But their mother encouraged them to be close, mine didn’t. So Happy Birthday in heaven Aunt Beulah, I love and miss you. Until we meet again.

This Thanksgiving I realized just how much my life has changed in the 7 years Troy has been gone. And I’m sure there’s more changes to come along the way. Life is way to short to let differences affect our relationships. It’s our uniqueness that makes us who we are. No one should expect us to change. Melvin has been here 3 years. He’s helped me so much. He’s different than Troy but he’s a good man. It’s no fun being all alone. It’s so hard especially when you’ve spent your whole life with someone. Troy was always the uniter. He could bring everyone together and smooth things over if needed. He liked everyone and didn’t care if what they believed was different than what he did. It was so important to him that we all get along, we’re family. I remember him lying in the hospital bed at Baylor and he was crying. This was the first and only time he ever cried in front of me. He said he just wanted everyone to get along. No fussing or fighting amongst us. And I agree. Our differences are so unimportant in the scheme of things. There are things much bigger that we all will face in our lifetime. So put aside your differences and welcome everyone to the table, Troy did.

Today is my deceased father-in-laws birthday. He was a gruff man with the biggest heart. I’m so glad I got to tell him how much I loved him before he passed away. He got sick on Thanksgiving the year he passed. He would be gone in a matter of a few days. He treated me like a daughter. He wasn’t really affectionate but his love showed in his actions. Before me and Troy were married, I used to go the their house late at night to see if Troy was there, I know I always woke him up but he never got mad. He had a very bad life growing up. His dad died and when his mother remarried he was sent off to live with other relatives. He lived with a cousin named Geraldine for a while. I think he kind of became a drifter. But he was such a good dad and husband. I miss you John, thank you for being such a good Dad to Troy and for making me feel like a part of your family.

As the saying goes, you have to grab a bull by it’s horns. I am about to do this. I am making some major changes to protect myself. I know things will never be the same and that’s ok. It’s what I’ve learned that is so important and that I learned it before it was too late. I think I had blinders on after Troy died and didn’t see things as they really were or more importantly didn’t see people for who they really were. Troy and I had many discussions and I know he saw things differently than I did. Sometimes we see things through rose colored lenses and it’s important to trade them in for clear ones. Let’s just say I’ve done that. I’m sharing my discovery with others. As Johnny Nash once said “I can see clearly now”.

I saw a quote by Steve Maraboli today that sure rang true, “As I got older, I started to cut out food that was bad for me. As I got wiser, I did the same with people”. It’s funny how when you’re younger, you think you know everything and you really don’t know squat. Life has so much to teach you. There are things you can’t get by reading a book, watching a documentary, etc. Life has to teach them to you. And I have learned so much more from the death of my spouse, I’ve learned things I really didn’t want to know. So when you think you know it all, YOU DON’T.

I have been learning things about people I thought I knew, and thought I could trust. What an eye opening 7 years it has been. I didn’t realize that I knew so many narcissists, but I do. I am in the process now of making sure I am protected. My father-in-law always said don’t count on anyone but yourself, how true that is. I know now what he was referencing. People can be so disappointing. You think you know them and then one day POOF! Just remember there are things you can do to protect yourself, just do it. I am.

I saw a post on a social media site today from a widow who was going to have to spend the Thanksgiving holidays alone. Her husband had recently passed and she is waiting on probate. I reached out to her to invite her to spend the holiday at my house. I told her that I also was a widow and understood how she felt. I didn’t want to tell her but it just goes down from here. All those people who tell you that they are there for you, they aren’t. Troy’s main concern wasn’t for himself but for me. He knew me better than anyone else and he knew what a struggle it would be for me without him. I have watched people drop off from that day, after shaking my hand and telling me they were there for me. No they weren’t. It just made them feel better to say it, they didn’t really mean it. And anyway when can they call it quits cause its been a few days or a few weeks, they tell themselves that it’s ok, there is a limit to grieving, that is for them anyway. I still have people dropping off, that’s ok. They will someday go through exactly what I have been going through and they will finally understand. Sad to say but we all have to go through it, you can’t escape it. I know you think it will never happen to you but it will, believe me I thought the same thing. And look here we are. So stop and think the next time you aren’t there for someone when they are grieving. It’s so true, what goes around comes around.

Autumn is upon me and with it comes lots of memories. Troy really enjoyed the season, and I do too, it’s just that I don’t like the season that comes after it. I’ve been melancholy the last couple of weeks, really missing him. Sometimes the memories all run together, like mini snapshots of my life. I’m glad that I have them to go to because I no longer recognize the country I grew up in. I’ve never seen so much hate and division as I do now. Even in families. I know if he were here right now, he would be able to sort it all out. He had a way of putting things in perspective for me. I saw a commercial today that made me realize just how fortunate I have been. It was a young widow with seven children. And she was saying she doesn’t have seven arms, and I thought to myself how fortunate that my husband was alive when our children were growing up. How difficult things must be for her, first the grief of losing her husband and then how to take care of seven small children. I was wishing I could give her a hug and tell her the grief is ever changing, it won’t always be the same. I wish I could ask her if there is anything I can do to lighten her load. I had Troy for 38 years, that’s a long time. We grew up together, we had a bond that some people never experience in their life. He knew me better than I know myself and vice versa. So when people diss me and act like I am some terrible person, I think to myself what Troy would say. He would say they are shallow and inconsiderate. In a world where you can be kind, why be anything else. People will eventually see what kind of person you really are, your true colors will emerge. People see how they were used, and how superficial feelings really are. And at that point there will be no more hiding. You will be exposed.

I am missing Troy a lot these days but I have some comfort in the fact that he is not here to see how relationships are and how mean people have become. He would be so disappointed I know, he used to make comments about things he saw in people we knew. He had a very good perception of what he thought peoples true intentions were and if they were putting on airs. He was right. He didn’t care what you believed in, he would still be your friend. My how things have changed. People often find themselves kicked to the curb like they are nothing. I’m so glad I am not that way, cause I truly believe in Karma. We should always love one another and support each other. Unfortunately it is no longer like it was in the 70’s, when it was all about love one another. There is so much hate and division now. It is so ugly, people are so ugly to one another. I am so thankful that I can carry on a conversation with others who believe differently than me. Unfortunately, that seems to be a rarity today.

Another year is half gone and I still haven’t managed to get my house ready to sell. But I am working on it, I am making some progress. The fact that I don’t feel welcome here anymore is helping to motivate me. Troy would want me to live where I feel comfortable and loved. He would want me to be happy, that was something he stressed right before he died. I’m 65 and I don’t know how much time I have left. Life is way too short to waste it. If you don’t want me in your life, so be it. People live in a bubble where they think everything they believe is the right way and they have no respect for those who feel differently. That is hateful and divisive. That’s ok if you want to be so selfish that you only think of yourself, I think truly good people accept others no matter what. And they never put on “airs”. So many people put on “airs”, and at some point you see the real person. People these days are so hateful and rude. I always forgive but I don’t forget. People need to be very sure before they cut people out of their life, cause it cuts deep. Sometimes you can’t undo the damage done to the relationship. Like I said I am not getting any younger and it is time to enjoy. We never get too old to learn, I’m still learning. We both worked so hard all our life and I want to enjoy some things. It’s unfortunate that he is not here to enjoy it with me. I worked two jobs for so many years and Troy worked his butt off so our children had the opportunity to enjoy things that made them happy. I spent the majority of my married years making sure everyone was doing what they loved and had everything they needed. I never stopped and checked on myself. That time has come. Some close friends have passed away this year and sadly it’s just a reminder of how fragile our life really is. We can be here today but gone tomorrow. Our lives can change in the blink of an eye. That happened to mine and Troy’s life one day. It was never the same. So shut me out of your life if you must, it’s your loss, not mine. I would never do that.

I’ve really been in a melancholy mood the last few days, I am really missing Troy. This time of year I always think about the vacations we took, the memories from them all jumbled together. Plus July was a month of transition for us, so many changes in the year 1995. We moved 1000 miles, I held my Dad’s hand for the last time, my brother had a heart attack and bypass surgery. Needless to say it was a crazy year, so this July I am feeling sad and the cloudy skies are not helping with my mood. The rain yesterday made me think of the first week we were living here in 1995, it was rainy that week and I was trying to clean the apartment we were in. I was learning my way around Plano, and it all seemed so foreign to me but now it’s home. I also need to remember that people come into our lives for specific reasons and they don’t always stay. Some stay longer than others, some leave to never return. There are some things that we cannot change no matter how hard we try, we just have to let it go. I know there are things happening right now that Troy would be sad about, but I can’t change them. If he were still here, things would be very different. But he’s not, and I know he would be thankful for Mel helping me with the house. He treats me right and never asks for anything in return. People don’t realize how hard it is losing someone and then having to do everything yourself. It’s nice when someone offers to help with no ulterior motives. I feel pretty much deserted. I could not do it all alone, its too large a task for a women my age. After Troy died, I slowly watched people drop off from my radar. And POOF! They were gone. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, reserve judgment. And I do believe in Karma, I believe that however you treat people will surely come back to you. Life is too short to be mad and bitter at people especially if they are different. Who says that you are more important than the next guy. You get back what you give to others. Cause once they are gone, that’s it. No going back to make things right. If someone doesn’t want to be around me when I’m alive, then don’t be coming around after I’m gone. Just try loving people for who they are and accepting them.