Author: janep38

know now. That’s our favorite fantasy, going back in time knowing what we know now. There are a lot of changes I would make in the hopes that things would be different at this point. This time of the year in 1976 I was planning my small wedding. It was just going to be at a small country church and I wasn’t going to invite too many people. My mom wanted nothing to do with helping me plan things out. I shopped for my dress, ordered my cake, talked to the minister and did all those little small things. I ordered matches with our date and names on the cover. Of course they printed them as Tony and Jane, so for a long time the newspaper office was passing out matches with Tony and Jane on them. We got our blood tests done at my family doctor, and of course they came back as Tony and Jane so we had to have them done over. We almost did make the cutoff. Wonder if those were omens? They didn’t scare me off, I was in love with Troy no matter what. I still am. I always will be. There are things I wish we had done differently. I wish I hadn’t worked two jobs for so long, even working weekends. But I was trying to help out financially. I wish he hadn’t worked those long hours at EDS, sometimes days in a row with no sleep, only to be booted out the door. When we are doing those things, we don’t realize the price of some of it. I mean, he’s not here with me right now, by my side. And he’s supposed to be. He wasn’t suppose to leave me all alone. But he did. I wish he hadn’t.

2021 is another year of awakening for me. I miss Troy every day. He was my rock. Things are changing so much. I remember my father-in-law telling me all the time to remember you can only count on yourself. He was a gruff man with a big heart. He would give you his last dime if you needed it. I loved that man and was so glad I got to tell him that and give him a big hug the day before he died. He had a sad life growing up and I believe that’s what made him so gruff. After his Dad died his mother got remarried and her husband told her she couldn’t keep the two oldest children just the young girl. So began his life of being passed around to whomever would let him stay with them. He loved Troy so much. He was always there for him. And he respected both of us and never said anything negative about any of our decisions. Troy told me that his Dad never talked about the time he hit a man with his car and he died. 2021 is starting to be an eye opening year for me. I’m 65 I should know by now that things aren’t always how they seem. When Troy died my life changed so drastically. One never knows until they go through it. I am still adapting to him not being in my life physically . But everyday he’s in the decisions I make and how I move forward. Things I learned from him will guide me on how to get through what’s going on in my life. I’ve learned a lot this year and going forward I will have to adapt to changes in my life. I miss those who were there for me no matter what. They loved me for who I was not what they thought I should be. They helped make me who I am today.

Its almost Christmas and you’re not here. It doesn’t get easier each year just different. I think of Christmas past and I have so many wonderful memories. I miss your Mom, Dad and my Dad. All those little things they did every year. I miss the kids being little and watching their faces Christmas morning. Thank you for all those wonderful memories. They comfort me. I realize how lucky I was to have such a wonderful family. A lot of people never experience what we were blessed with. I still get mad sometimes and ask why we will never experience sharing our golden years together. I see couples and realize how blessed they are to have each other. Your shoes still sit by your chair. I just can’t part with them. Maybe someday I will. Just know that I wish you were here. And even though you aren’t, in my mind and heart you are. And you always will be. Merry Christmas Troy, thanks for the memories. They are the best present in the world.

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep. Lot of things on my mind. I’m saddened by what I feel like is a lack of respect because I see things differently than someone else. Troy liked everyone and always showed them respect no matter how differently they felt about things. It’s a long, hard journey learning to live without him. People who haven’t been through it haven’t a clue. It’s hard to find your way. God has always been there guiding me along the way. I’ve friended many on this journey who are also trying to find their way through the fog. And we all come from different walks of life. It’s unfortunate when someone in your family shuns you because they think you should believe the way they do or they don’t like someone in your life. I always show respect to those who see things differently than I do. We are all different and that’s what makes the United States what it is. No one is going to tell me who my friends can be or that what I believe in makes me a bad person. It’s a reflection on them not me. So the next time you think about shutting someone out because they see things differently, think again. What does that say about you as a person. I’m so glad I don’t do that. I have many friends that come from all walks of life and I’m thankful for them all. Try it sometime, it will enrich your life.

This week is such a hard week beginning with Father’s Day.  That was the day Troy started showing signs of being sicker than he had been.  That Monday he was admitted to the hospital and he would never leave.  I remember him standing in the kitchen crying and saying “it is what is is”.  I begged him not to leave me here alone but I know it was not his choice.  I can’t believe how much my life has changed and if you haven’t lost a spouse then you have no idea what I am talking about.  But one day, you will.  It’s unavoidable.  I read a story from another widow today and was so saddened by her words, they were so true.  She had caught women who she thought were her friends talking about her behind her back.  They said they were so tired of her talking about her dead husband, how sad. She needs those friends to be understanding and hold her up.  She said they are evidently not her friends like she thought they were.  And she said the one person who would understand her was dead.  Aren’t we women supposed to build each other up instead of tearing each other down?  In recent days, I have been labeled racist and lacking in character because I don’t believe in all the destruction.   Really? If you call me those things, you really don’t know me at all.  As Americans aren’t we entitled to our individual beliefs without being called names.  That’s one of the things my father fought for in WWII.  Our continued right to be who we are and to respect other’s rights also.  That’s one of the great things about the United States, we have these freedoms and though I may disagree with what you believe in, I respect your right.  People are so disappointing.  People that said I could count on them have turned on me and never looked back.  The one person I could count on is gone, he loved me no matter what.  He loved me for me, not because he had an agenda and not because I felt the way he did about everything.  We were very different in may ways.  No one knows what life I led from the sleepy little town of Middletown, yet they choose to judge me.  It’s been 6 years since Troy passed and some days I feel his loss so deeply.  I know what he would be saying right now.  He would say they don’t know what they are talking about.  So I feel him pushing me along and not to give up.  I know who I am and even though you may think you know me, maybe you really don’t.  I think we should all try a little love instead of hate and quit labeling people because they have different views than we do, it doesn’t make them bad just different. We are all in this together. To make things better for everyone, we need to be together to rise above all the hate and anger.  To reach out your hand and say I’m here.

Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. When I got up this morning I remembered that 44 years ago at 2 pm I would become Troys wife. It was like a fairytale to me. Almost had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Marrying the man of my dreams. I loved hm so much, from the first time I met him. Such a wonderful memory. Hope I always remember it. It doesn’t get easier each year, just different. I will always love hm, this I know. He lives in my heart. Happy Anniversary Troy.

I think spring is almost here.  Makes me think of Troy and how he would be planning his garden.   I’m still at a loss about Dr. Crates.  He was my doctor for 20 years so its hard for me to contemplate another doctor dealing with my RSD.  But I have to find someone to replace him.  I thought he would always be around to take care of my leg.  I am kind of at a loss right now.  Need to start making decisions and sticking with them.  Sometimes I’m all over the place.  I guess I am still finding myself.  I think the real me was buried for many years.  I just keep uncovering layers of myself.

I received a letter on Monday that Dr. Crates had passed away on December 28.  I am so saddened by this news.  He became my orthopedic doctor in 2000.  He found the tumor, removed it and most importantly fix the gaping hole in my leg.  If not for him, I would have lost my lower leg.  He had no idea what he was getting himself into when he did my first surgery.  But he never gave up and finally was able to resolve the issue.  There is no way I can replace him.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  For twenty years he had been my pain management doctor and he completely understood what I was dealing with.  He was only 54, so young.  And he leaves behind 3 girls and a wife.  I can sure understand the sadness his wife is experiencing.  There are really no adequate words to convey my sorrow.  It still seems unreal.  I was in the office on December 16 and he wasn’t there but I was looking forward to seeing him in March.  There are ways people touch our lives and we don’t really realize how deep until  they are gone.  I know I will always miss him. If something should go wrong with my ankle, I know I will wish he were around to fix it.  You were an amazing doctor and person, John Crates, may you rest in peace.

I’ve sure been in a funk this month.  Thanksgiving was nice, seeing everyone all together and Ashley was so talkative.  I was glad to see her enjoying herself.  I didn’t get sloshed like I did at the Halloween party lol.  But I had fun.  I read a post on a fellow widowers timeline.  He was very sad and disappointed about the holiday.  I could understand his pain.  Unfortunately he spent the holiday alone and was no longer alive as of yesterday.  I wish he would have remembered that tomorrow things can look so different.  It saddens me when I hear of fellow widowers that fall by the wayside.  I don’t know, maybe we failed them in some way.  Or maybe they just don’t open themselves up to us enough.  I understand all those feelings they are experiencing yet somehow they still feel all alone and isolated.  We just need to take their hand and let them know they are not all alone.  We are right there beside them.  Lean on us.  We will hold you up.  I remember my mother telling me that for six months she sat on the couch day in and day out in shock.  Finally a co worker came to visit her and told her she needed to come back to work.  She eventually did but for all those months she sat alone on her couch wondering what happened to her life.  I’m sorry that I didn’t realize the pain she was in.  She never told me about it till many years later.  Guess that’s why the words,” be kind to others because you never know what they may be going through” is so true.

Here we are again, that dreaded time of the year, HOLIDAYS!  I will be so glad when they are over and done with.  They just aren’t the same anymore.  I have been through so many changes in the last 5 1/2 years and they just keep coming.  I have people that are imposing even more changes on me.  Things I have been doing for 30 plus years I’m no longer doing.  I mean I know things can’t stay the same, but they are some changes that are imposed by others unfortunately.  We all eventually are faced with all these changes.  I never understood what my Mother went through when my Dad passed away.  I now have first hand knowledge of what happens.  That’s why it would be nice if others had more compassion and understanding for they one day will go through the same process.  And it is life changing for sure.  Empathy is so important.  To at least try to understand what one is going through.  For one day you may also appreciate someone’s understanding of what you are going through……believe me you will.