Author: janep38

It seems I once again find myself longing for holidays past……..When I look back they were the happiest of times, the kids were little, both sets of grandparents were alive, and of course I thought it would never end.  But it did.  They are memories now, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything but sometimes I wish I could go back there if just for one moment.  The memories get all muddled together but I am so thankful for them.  Sometimes a memory can smooth over a painful moment.  Kind of put a glaze over it so you don’t feel the sting so bad.  The holidays for me have changed so much.  I don’t really recognize them anymore.  Sadly, I really don’t look forward to the holidays anymore.  I often wish I was away on a trip, someplace different.  Maybe unfamiliar surroundings would lessen the pain.  Start a new tradition.  Troy loved the holidays.  He loved nothing more than having his children around.  So this Christmas again I will miss him and his silly shopping antics.  Troy, it’s just not the same without you.

I cried all the way to work today.  It has been a long time since I have done something like that.  As I was driving and I could see the wide open grey autumn sky and hints of fall colors in some of the trees, I felt an overwhelming sadness come over me.  I missed Troy so much and Indiana so much.  All those autumns we spent together there, I miss it all so much.  The smell of burning leaves in the air, and sitting round a campfire roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.  The air would be so crisp in the morning.  I have such wonderful memories of life in Indiana.  When I was in grade school and walked to school, I would look for the prettiest red and golden leaves to press in a book.  Our street we lived on had huge maple trees on it and the leaves would just be beautiful in the fall.  I miss all that.  I miss my Dad, my husband, my in-laws.  I loved them all so much.  I miss my Aunt Beulah.  So much has changed in my life since 2014.  I’m so thankful for all the fond memories.  They comfort me on those chilly days.

I didn’t write anything on October 16 which was a day from hell for sure in 2013.  I can still remember standing in the outpatient area looking at Troy as he moaned and groaned and hearing the doctor say the word “cancer”.  I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, and tell him he was lying, Troy did not have cancer.  He was going to be just fine.  You know how when you’re a kid and you put your fingers in your ears and sing lalalalala while someone is trying to tell you something you don’t want to hear, well I wanted to do that so bad.  Scream lalalalalala at the top of my lungs and plug both ears so I couldn’t hear all the awful things the doctor was saying.  I ran to the bathroom and called Trey, and I remember saying your Dad has cancer.  What are we going to do?  And if that wasn’t bad enough, he needed to go by ambulance to the hospital because the doctor had perforated his esophagus.  And one of the nurses kept telling Troy to be quiet.  That pissed me off.  Tell someone who is in agony to be quiet, are you kidding me?  I reported her to the doctor and the hospital,  they said  a perforation of the esophagus is very painful.  And she was telling him to be quiet.  I wanted to scream would someone please stop this merry go round so I can get off.  My head was just spinning from it all.  I just kept thinking this cannot be happening but it was, Troy who was one of the kindest people I have ever known had cancer and it was bad.  When we got to the hospital the doctor was showing me how it had already spread to his lungs and liver.  Again I wanted to plug my ears and sing lalalalalala.  It was all so surreal, like I was outside looking in.  Like it couldn’t really be happening, but it was.  I always feel sad around this time of the year.  Troy loved autumn and so do I but I can’t forget the day our  lives did a complete turn around.  Our lives would never be the same.  And that day will forever be etched in my mind.  The beginning of hell.

I haven’t written for a while.  I’ve been in a funky kind of mood.  As it got closer to Troy’s birthday, I became more teary eyed.  God, I miss him so much.  I want him back so much.  But he’s not coming back, I have to keep telling myself that.  No matter how much I want him back, he’s not coming back.  And now I am in that time of year when we took our last vacation together, went to the beach.  He picked the place out, I think he knew he was very sick.  I mentioned going to Vegas and he said let’s go to the beach.  I think he wanted to see the beauty that only comes from the ocean.  We would sit on the balcony every night and watch the waves crashing and the sun going down.  We would walk through John’s Pass and stop in at all the little shops.  It rained a lot when we were there but the ocean was still beautiful.  I’m glad he picked our last vacation together.  God, I miss him so much……..

I haven’t been here in a while, feelings have been up and down.  Mostly down.  I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other but I find myself back-pedaling a lot.  I’ve let myself get so content with just being in my home, in my space with my dogs.  I am merely existing.  Not really living.  I keep telling myself to get up and step forward but I find myself right back where I started.  Troy made everything right, he always knew what to do and when to do it.  I have lost all sense of direction since he’s been gone.  I am sure he would be disappointed in me.  I often remember the remark he made about someone who had a car wreck in our neighborhood and died.  The family put up a cross where the wreck happened.  On more than one occasion he said to me, you would think the family would just move forward and not put up a cross……. I think of that a lot.  You see it’s harder to do than  you think.  Unless you’ve been through it, you just don’t get it.  Everything in your life comes to a screeching halt, nothing is ever the same, NOTHING!! I hate that phrase “pick up the pieces”  You can’t pick up the pieces.  How do you pick up the pieces of your life you had together.  They don’t fit anymore.  They are all jagged and sharp.  No color.  There is such a big piece missing that you can never replace, nothing will ever fit there.  You try but it just doesn’t fit.

June 25 was the four year anniversary of Troy’s death.  I just kept replaying the image of that day over and over in my mind.  I know I will never forget it.  It is etched permanently into my memory.  I try to remember him laughing and talking in the hopes that those memories will overshadow his last moments here on earth.  It seems so surreal.  Like it just happened but then again that it happened so long ago.  I no longer listen for his car coming down the driveway and I no longer wake up in the morning and say please let this all be a nightmare.  I know I still love him so very much.  I would love for him to be back in my life.  I am pretty sure I will always feel this way.  He made everything all right.  And now everything is so jumbled up.  Some days I feel like I have given up, I am just existing.  I just can’t seem to find my way.  What path do I follow?  Will someone please take my hand and show me?  Guide me.  Please.

The memories of Troy’s last days just keep replaying over and over in my mind.  The Monday after Father’s Day he was admitted to the hospital and was started on antibiotics for the pneumonia.  They weren’t sure of the strain of bacteria that had invaded his body.  He seemed to be doing fairly well. They were going to move him to a regular room on Tuesday but he never made it there.  He took a turn for the worse, he was having so much trouble breathing.  He was gasping for air.  The texts he sent me before he went to bed sounded like he was doing so good.  Something happened in the middle of the night that turned things all around.  He was struggling to breathe after that.  I hate having that image in my head.  I couldn’t do anything for him.  I couldn’t make it better.  I wanted to take him home and start the week all over again.  I was mad at him for getting sicker.  Even though he couldn’t help it.  I wanted him to be well.  I wanted him to laugh like he always did and make everything all right.  He was always so positive about things.  He told me that day when I was at the hospital that we had a good life together.  I think he was trying to prepare me for the inevitable.  This may sound selfish but I couldn’t bear to watch him struggle to breathe.  It was more than I could take.  I just kept praying he would get better.  I asked all my prayer warrior friends to please pray for him.  And they did.  But it just wasn’t meant to be.  No matter how bad I wanted it, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I just couldn’t quit thinking about Troy.  It was the one job he loved the most.  And it seemed like everyone had forgotten that about him.  It made me so sad.  I had to acknowledge him in a facebook post to remind everyone what a good father he was.  If just for a second they thought of him then I’m so glad I did it.  I tagged him in the post.  I thought of my own father too.  I miss his wisdom and advice.  They are always with us.  They are right there and the next minute than can be gone.  In an instant.  Father’s day was when Troy started becoming very ill from the pneumonia.  He went into the hospital the day after and he never came home.  So this week is painful for me, I just always relive all the sadness and how he looked and how he struggled to breathe.  There wasn’t anything I could do to make it better for him.  The tears are welling up in my eyes right now just thinking about it.  It’s like a sore that the scab starts coming off on and it hurts all over again.  So bad, it hurts so bad.  Wish I could put a band aid on myself and make it all better.  There’s no band aid for grief.  It’s just there staring you in the face when you wake up in the morning, all day, and when you go to bed at night.  It’s pesky.  Sometimes you can’t catch your breath, and you think you’re going to suffocate.  Then you just remember to breathe slow and deep until everything comes back into focus.  God I miss him.

I’ve been in such a different mood lately.  I miss Troy so much some days.  I went to the cemetery and put some flowers in the vase.  I have been neglectful of his grave.  It’s just so hard to go there.  He isn’t there anyway.  Some days it is all I can do to make myself get up.  I know people don’t understand that.  It’s like I can’t find my way.  Like I’m so lost and I can’t find the right direction to go.  Like I am just floating around aimlessly.  He kept me grounded, I miss that.  And for all those friends who have deserted me, you can’t escape death by avoiding me.  I really believe that is why people cut themselves off from you.  They look at you and think that will never happen in my family.  But it does, it eventually comes full circle for all of us.  No matter how much you want to prevent it, you can’t.  It just smacks you right in the face.  Shakes your whole world up and brings you to your knees.  I look in the mirror now and don’t recognize myself.  Where did I go?  Where am I?  Who am I?

My Mother’s Day was great.  It is one of the most important days of the year to me.  One of the gifts Trey got me brought tears to my eyes.  Troy always bought me a sweatshirt jacket every year and for mother’s day Trey bought me one in Norway.  I love it.  It’s so special.  I was so touched by the jacket that it brought tears to my eyes.  Made me so happy.  Ashley had flowers sent to me.  They were beautiful.  It was just an awesome Mother’s Day.  I thought of my own mother and how I wished she had loved me.  I’m so sorry that she left this earth not loving me.  Sometimes the pain cuts me deep like a knife.  I would have loved to have a good relationship with her but it just wasn’t meant to be.  I missed my Aunt yesterday too.  I always called her on Mother’s Day and sent her a card.  She was like a mother to me.  I miss her so much.  I could talk to her about anything and everything.  She was always there for me.  She made such a difference in my life.  And I thought of Troy’s mother too.  She loved me like a daughter.  She was so good to me.  I miss her too.  All of these women helped shape me into who I am today.  They all played different roles in my life.  And I loved them all.