Author: janep38

I was weepy over the weekend.  I hate when I get like that.  I just get so overwhelmed by all the sadness that I can only see that.  All the memories wander through my mind constantly.  A song will jar one, or going to a place will bring one to mind.  Lots of things trigger them.  I didn’t realize how many there were, it’s like zillions of them.  All meshed together to make one big one.  I’m so thankful for all of them.  They are me.  They are my life.  I can’t imagine not having them.  How empty my thoughts would be.  For 38 years he helped me make daily memories that would bring me comfort on so many lonely nights.

When I woke up this morning I was in one of those funky moods where I question everything decision I make.  It’s like I never trust myself to make the right decision.  All those years of depending on him to help me make decisions has left me unable to make any on my own or so I think it has.  It’s like I don’t trust myself to make the right decision.  Like I’m not capable of it.  I always thought he would be here, always.  Never did I think I would be waking up every morning without him in my life.  That only happens to other people, not me.  He always knew the right thing to say.  No matter what was going on he knew the answer.  But none of that could save him.  It can’t save me.  He was so smart.  And you never realize how important people in your life are until they are gone.  And you’re left with everything, all the decisions, all the loneliness.  And everyone thinks you are supposed to hurry up and move forward.  They try and compare the loss of a parent to it or getting divorced.  There is no comparison.  I grew up with Troy.  We learned things together.  I learned so much from him.  More than I ever learned before we met.  It’s like you mesh together into one being.  You’re separate yet you aren’t.  So when they are no longer alive, there’s this big empty space inside you.  All of the memories and thoughts are there but it ceases to entail new information.  It comes to a screeching halt.  The days spent with him stopped, his voice stopped, I no longer heard his car coming down the driveway, or him walking down the stairs.  No longer able to answer my questions or help me make decisions.  It was like my heart was crushed, broken.  It has jagged edges now, not all smooth.  Forever changed.

Sometimes my thoughts are as scattered as my clothes…….After Troy died I found myself putting my clothes in small stacks throughout my house.  Just scattered here and there.  That is how my life seems now.  Just scattered here and there.  I don’t really know where I belong.  Where do I fit in?  I hope someday to figure it all out.  And I hope someday for my life and thoughts to not be scattered.

The sky is so dark, sometimes like my thoughts.  When I awaken every morning there is a sadness I am overcome with.  Maybe it’s the loneliness. Jude and Lucy and now Sailor Blue force me to get up and start my day.  Without them I am afraid I would just let the sadness consume me.  They need me just as much as I need them.  We are a team.  It’s the start of spring.  Troy loved this time of year.  He would be thinking about planting his garden.  He loved gardening.  I remember one year he made copies of a video on how to grow tomatoes in Texas for co-workers.  He liked it when he could help someone else.  He was always thinking of others.  I wish he could help me now.  Help me to go on with my life, to get up and enjoy things like he did.  But I just get so lonely and sad without him.  When I look at the other widows who are way younger than me, I think to myself that I should be so thankful for the 42 years we had together.   He helped me raise our children, they had a great Dad.  I was so blessed in that way.  Some do not even have that.  They are left alone to raise their children by themselves.  Our children have all the wonderful memories of a great Dad who loved them so very much.  I must say that I now know how my mother felt when my Dad died.  I had no idea of the emptiness, loneliness and sadness.  I do now.  Until you have walked it in your shoes you have no idea.  Losing a spouse is nothing like losing a parent.  I am now the age Troy was when he died.  I think about that.

Last weekend I read some writings done by another widow.  I was touched by her words and feelings conveyed by those words.  She is just 8 months into this widow journey and here I am almost 4 years into it and I wonder if I will always be this sad.  I guess I really thought over time I would start to feel better and not miss Troy so much but that isn’t true.  I see him everywhere, he is constantly in my thoughts, all the millions of memories we made together.  All the memories interwoven in my mind, I am so thankful for them.  The good times, the not so good times, they are me.  He helped shape me into who I am today.  He will always be a part of me.  I just wish the sadness and loneliness wasn’t there.  When I married him, I sure didn’t think that one day I would have to say goodbye to him and go it alone.  I remember standing in the kitchen hugging him, asking him to please not leave me here all alone.  I saw tears in his eyes.  He didn’t want to leave.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now.  Just thinking about him and his absence does that to me.  I am so much more emotional now than I ever was.  I feel things so deeply.  Everything touches me to my core now.  He isn’t physically here yet I see him everywhere.  His work shoes still sit by his chair.  He influences every decision I make.  He lives in my heart and mind.  He’s just a thought away.  I wish I could touch him, feel his skin, hear his voice, his laugh.  I look around the garage and I am angry sometimes for all that he left me with.  His things are everywhere.  Not necessarily things he needed, but maybe just things he wanted.  I feel so frustrated sometimes.  What to do with it all, and he’s not here to help me.  To guide me, to tell me what to do with it all.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton