Jane is a Widow

I knew it was close to a decision having to be made. Ever since October our lives were upside down. And it appeared nothing had been going our way. It seemed so surreal like this can’t be our life now. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I now knew how people felt who were dealing with major sickness of their spouse. I can’t tell you how hard it was, you wouldn’t believe me. And we always think it won’t happen to us, but it does! The unimaginable happens. It happens to everyday people just like ourselves. And our lives are never the same, they are forever changed. Year after year the changes keep coming. Family that you thought would always be there turns on you. People you thought you could count on, no longer want anything to do with you. So savor your life, appreciate it and your spouse. Cause tomorrow you could be facing what I faced ten years ago…..

Papers that we forgot we had. I was shredding some old documents and found where I logged on the computer what Troy was going through. Of course it opened old wounds which unfortunately sometimes happens. They brought back all those visions of what was happening and the shock of it all. Of course, our lives would never be the same. I noticed in one of them, Dr. Park told me that at the stage Troy’s cancer was in, he had a life expectancy of one year. I had forgotten that, of course you can understand why….

Troy was giving it all he could. Things continued to decline but I believed in miracles and still do. Anything is possible. I felt that he knew I was there talking to him. I hope he heard me. It was so lonely at home without him. I kept praying that he would be coming home….

The memories of Troy on the ventilator are forever etched in my mind. It was so hard to grasp what was happening. One of his doctors called me one night and said I don’t think he’s going to come out of this. He said the cancer will get worse because he’s unable to do the chemo that is required while he is on the ventilator. I was still praying for a miracle. God would let me know when it was time to let go.

Thinking about Troy’s last text to me. He was getting ready to sleep and he wanted to say good night to me, Sadie and Lucy. Then something happened. His breathing got worse and they had to put him on the ventilator in the middle of the night. We would never talk again. He would never come home. My world was about to come crashing down. It would never be the same.

Troy’s breathing continued to worsen the next day, it was hard to believe how much had changed in just one day. He was really starting to struggle to breathe, and it seemed the meds weren’t helping at all. As I look back 10 years, I can see it all unraveling. So many prayers were being said for him, but his symptoms continued to worsen. It was all surreal, like this can’t be happening, but it was. The Sunday prior was Father’s Day, I could tell he was feeling worse than usual. I stayed home from church because I was afraid to leave him. Little did I know that the week would continue to go downhill for him.

Ten years has passed since Troy went to the emergency room and never came home. They admitted him to the hospital and later they put him in his room. He was diagnosed as having pneumonia. He seemed to be doing ok when I left the hospital that day but things would take a turn for the worse before the night was over. He was moved to ICU and from there everything was on a downward spiral. To be continued….

Happy Birthday to the most awesome daughter. Troy would be so proud of her. She is a hard worker, good person, and treats others with love and respect. Love you to the moon and back!