Jane is a Widow

I wouldn’t want to be like you, I don’t care what you do, I wouldn’t want to be like you…..The Alan Parsons Project. I think that song was meant for me today, it was the first one I heard. The words are so true. And I feel it…..

I’ve decided that in the future I will stay away from those who are all about themselves. Those who are troublemakers, lazy, those who use others to get what they want, so they don’t have to work for anything. I’m glad I can say I worked hard all my life to get where I am and so did Troy. I remember many a night he worked all night to get some programming done. I appreciated him. It’s important to appreciate people for all that they do for you. They won’t always be around. I miss him, I miss all his little quirks. In two short months he will have been gone for 10 years. It will be yet another reminder of his passing….

As I get closer to the ten year anniversary I am reminded of those who have used me. You see after Troy passed, certain family would come to visit and they always managed to leave with something. When Troy passed, all of his possessions became mine. That’s how it works. But some family thought they were entitled to what they wanted. They never asked me if they could take the things, they just took them. And I’m not talking about inexpensive things either. But here’s the real kicker. After they got all they wanted, they wrote me a nasty letter telling me what a horrible person I was and They could no longer be around me. I wasn’t horrible while they were taking my things or my money but I was once they were done taking. Lesson learned 101….Trust no one!

Troy and I would have celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary on April 24th, unfortunately it was not meant to be. I remembered that day 48 years ago, and I remember the flowers he got me on our 38th anniversary, the last one we were together. Its really hard to believe that 48 years has passed. And so much has changed. He would have trouble recognizing some people but others are still the same. He would be sad at some of the changes. He left this world expecting others to be there for me, unfortunately that is not the case. But, that’s life, there are those people who show their true colors when you need them most. Let’s say, I have learned a lot about people, people I thought I knew…..but I didn’t.

Today is a sad day for me, Robbin, one of my school pals died. We talked recently about getting together at her place in Florida, one should never wait till tomorrow to do what you can today. Sometimes tomorrow never comes. Her and two of my other classmates surprised me in 2012 with a visit on my birthday. All of our birthdays were in February so it was like one big party for all of us. We had so much fun, giggling like school girls again and gossiping about all that had gone on in high school. Troy enjoyed having them all stay at the house. It was like a slumber party from the past. I’ll treasure those memories of our fun together and regret that we didn’t get together again. I’ll be thinking of her husband Dan and understanding the grief that at times will consume him. I hope he takes it one day at a time, baby steps. Grief will always be a part of his life but I pray he finds his way. Godspeed, Robbin!

Saw the eclipse and was thinking how much Troy would have enjoyed seeing it. I’m coming up on the ten year anniversary of his death and seems like there are triggers I am coming upon. I was trying to shred some old documents and I kept coming across his appointment details when he was doing chemo. I felt all those feelings again, they seem more distant now but they are still there and I am sure they always will be. It’s just something you can’t run away from, grief follows you everywhere. It never leaves but it does change. I mean how can you spend more than 40 years with someone and not expect their death to follow you forever. There are millions of memories that you find yourself stumble upon. Especially when they were the glue of the family, which he was. Our family will never be the same, nor should it be. Whenever you lose such an important person in your family, just realize you are forever changed. Forward it is…..

I always wish my mother-in-law a heavenly birthday. She was a one of a kind person, she was so generous and always smiling. I know that is where Troy got it from. It was so hard for me to go see her when she was dying. She wrote a note to us saying that the grandchildren were so important to her and she would do anything to be with them. I still have that note. It has faded over the years. I remember getting a sympathy card from a former patient of hers. He said if it hadn’t been for her, he would have never made it. She was his nurse when he was in the hospital and he said she made all the difference. I kept that card. It was so touching to Troy to see the impact his mother had made on others. I always treated her with love, unfortunately I have not been afforded the same. I’m so thankful for our daughter and her husband. We were different in many ways but I still loved and respected her. She was Troy’s mother after all, I owed her that. Like I said she was one of a kind….

I received an email from a cousin yesterday letting me know that two of my cousins had passed away. Barbara passed away in 2023 and Don in March 2024. I hadn’t seen either of them in many years. Our families used to visit with each other in the 60’s. Barbara was 4 years old than me and she was the youngest of 4 children. I always thought she was so pretty, she had long black hair and beautiful eyes. She was the baby of the family. I know she kept in touch with Beulah and so did her brother Don. I remember Beulah going to Don’s for Thanksgiving and Barbara kept in touch with her by mail. But in later years Beulah no longer had any contact with them either. Too bad we don’t keep in touch with our relatives. Bill is the only sibling left now, I have no idea where he lives.

More trips down memory lane today. I love spring and Troy did too. He would start getting his garden ready to plant. I love how everything starts anew. Easter changed for our family after Troy passed. When you lose the glue that held your family together everything changes. But I know he would not want me to sit around and be sad. So I’m not. I’m not saying I don’t have sad days but I try to get up and look at all the things that are right in my life. I’ve come a long way since June 25, 2014. A long way….

I’ve been reminiscing about past Easter’s. When I was a child I often got a duck or baby chicks for Easter. As I got older, I would go with my best friend to sunrise service at church. They served breakfast and then we would return later for Easter services. I miss those days but glad I have the memories. When Troy was alive we would go to mass on Easter and sometimes go out to eat afterwards. We sometimes attended Easter Vigil too. Those days are gone but I’m thankful I can reflect on them. I’m sure Ashley remembers the Easter egg hunts we went to. It was fun watching her hunt for the eggs. I’m thankful for the true meaning of Easter.