Jane is a Widow

Another widow passed away today. She was remarried. It seems like we have lost a lot of friends this year. It’s so important that we are there for each other. Sadly our widowhood is what unites us all. We can relate to what each of us is going through. We are united.

I found my journal that I wrote in for several years. I’ve decided to start writing again. When I read past entries it amazed me how much things have changed. I will continue to make entries because it enables us to see how things going on in our life affect us. It gives insight into how others have affected us by how they treated us. The “truth” always wins.

It’s a beautiful day out, getting ready to go meet “our people” for dinner. I was thinking about Troy when I was outside. He loved spring. He would be getting ready to plant his tomatoes. It frustrated him that we couldn’t grow tomatoes here like we did in Indiana. But every year he tried. I realized something today, when someone can no longer control you, they turn on you. Sad but it’s true. Just keep moving forward, good people don’t do that to others. They love them no matter what. Truth!

Always look for signs from those around you. In that first year I missed quite a few. As I look back now, everything falls into place. There were times little snide remarks were made to me but I let them slide. I should have never done that. Maybe I could have prevented some of the things that happened. I’ve always been too trusting, plus I have in the past not stood up for myself. I put up with unkind things people said and did to me. Not anymore. There are certain things you shouldn’t do that first year. I wish I hadn’t made a will during that time. I have had mine changed since some major things have happened since then. Being in that fog the first year affects your reasoning and actions. I didn’t see people as they really were. I do now. Grief is ever changing.

I’m nearing the 10 year anniversary of Troy’s passing. Wow, hard to believe it’s been that long, sometimes it feels like just yesterday. I’ve learned so much about people, people that you thought you could count on through thick or thin. Don’t kid yourself, they don’t exist. They get what they want from you and then send you a letter telling you what a horrible person you are and always have been. Yup, it happened to me. Right there in black and white in case I need to be reminded of what an awful person I am and have always been. I’ve shown the letter to my friends and they just laugh, because they can’t believe how ridiculous and stupid it is. And it also saddens and infuriates them that it was sent. I wish I had known that I was in a widow fog for the first year. I could have prevented a lot of things from happening. If you should lose your spouse, remember that everything that was theirs is now yours. Protect yourself. Look out for yourself because no one else is. Sorry to say they don’t care. It just adds pain to the pain you are already experiencing because of the loss of your spouse. Protect yourself!

I received an email yesterday from one of my cousins in Indiana. She was wishing me a happy 17th birthday. She sent me family pictures taken at Thanksgiving. It was great seeing pictures of everyone. Wendell is my last living uncle. He looks really good and is still working on his walnuts. That is his hobby. I’m hoping to see them in the near future. I just reconnected with one of my other cousins, Yvonne. I was always so close to her sister Vickie. We were the same age and we stayed in touch over the years. Thanks Sherry for wishing me a Happy Birthday!

My birthday today has brought back a flood of memories from 1996. We moved to Texas in July of 1995 so 1996 would be my first leap year birthday in Texas. My mother decided to visit us around my birthday. It would be the only time she flew to Texas by herself. My Dad had passed away in July 1995 so she was traveling by herself. She would make one more flight to Florida before deciding to forego any more trips. Troy decided to get me a black schnauzer for my birthday, she was a beauty, first schnauzer for me. He named her Scooter because she was always scooting my shoes around. He also got me a cross necklace and ring with my birthstone. My Mother brought me a porcelain doll. A lot has happened in those 28 years since that birthday. A lot of sadness yet good too. Troy would be amazed at all that has happened. Of all those people who helped me celebrate that birthday, only one remains, our daughter. Thank you Ashley for being a constant in my life, love you.

Thank God I’m here for another birthday. It’s a strange feeling when your birthday is skipped and appears every fourth year. I still get comments from people about it. I have my newspaper article from when I turned 8 years old. My one shot of stardom lol. My few moments of fame. I read today where the odds of a woman having a baby on February 29 is 1 in 1461. I remember my mom saying she wished I would wait till March 1 to make my entrance. Sorry Mom! I don’t know, I think my birthday is a little bit of special!

Had dinner tonight with our people. There were several new ones there sharing their story. A lot of tears. All members of the club no one wants to be in. We were all forced to join. And at some point everyone will be forced to join if they are married. No one is getting around it unfortunately. It’s going to be ten years this year for Troy’s passing. It’s always going to be a part of my life. I’ll always love him. I’m thankful for those people in my life who are there for me. Thank you!

February has arrived
and this year, it brings an extra day.

To many, this might seem like ‘just a day’.

But to others, it’s a birth date or an anniversary that comes around only once every four years. Like the sun rising on a fairy tale land that will go to sleep for another thousand days come sunset.

To some, it is ‘just a day’.

But without that day,
after a while
our spring would become summer
and our autumn would become winter
and after 750 years, our seasons would have swapped completely.

So it is not ‘just a day’.

It is 24 hours that arrive without fanfare to keep the world on track.

It is a day that creeps in quietly to help people celebrate their life or their love.

It is a day that reminds us that not everything in life has to be loud and ever-present for it to be important. Some things can sail in on a breeze and sail out just as quickly, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have the power to change the direction of the wind or to keep the tide turning as it should.

February has arrived, bringing with it an extra day.

It is just a day.
Just one day.

But my goodness,
what a difference a day can make.

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Becky Hemsley 2024
Incredible artwork by June Leeloo 🤍