Jane is a Widow

That’s how I feel as the holidays draw closer. Losing Lucy this close to Christmas is heavy on my heart. I’m thankful for Melvin cause he’s been there for me. I so appreciate everything he’s done. It has made all the difference. But I still miss her so much. I still miss Sadie. I still miss my husband. The grieving changes but it’s always a part of your life. The memories will be comforting. They helped shaped who I am today. For this I’m thankful, that I had them all in my life.

We picked up Lucy’s ashes today. I miss her so much. She would always peek around the doorway when I got home. Two other people I know had to put their dogs down this week. When she turned 14 I knew it was borrowed time. But she seemed so healthy I thought she would live forever. Between Lucy and the letters I’ve been reading from my Aunt, my mood has been somewhat sad to say the least. But I’m thankful for both, they remind me to be thankful for those in my life. Thankful for all those memories I have. All those memories enrich my life, thank you all for showing up, it has made all the difference.

I’ve been going through a box of letters that belonged to my Aunt Beulah. In that box I’ve also found obituary leaflets for some of my family. Found the last will and testament of my Grandma. It’s nice to see how my Dad and his siblings cared for each other. They were always reaching out to each other. That’s rare these days. They were there for each other. They never spoke bad of each other. Reading them has brought up memories, such as Uncle Charles passing. It was such a shock to everyone. I never knew what Beulah really went through till I myself went through the same thing. My Mom used to say Beulah seemed bitter, I can thoroughly understand why she came across that way. She lost the love of her life. I’ll continue to read the letters. They take me back to a time when things were much simpler and people were kind. I wish things were still that way. Remember to love one another no matter what. None of us are getting out of here alive.

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep. So reminiscent of nights after Troy passed. My sleep has never went back to the way it was. I’ve been thinking about Lucy most of the day. How much I miss her. She was such a beautiful part of my life. I can still see her looking at me with those big brown eyes. It was a week ago that we came home to find her sprawled on the floor in pain. The ER vet wanted to help her cross the bridge that night but I insisted on seeing my regular vet the next day. I’m glad we did because I can know that we tried everything possible to make her better. We gave her every chance to get better. It just wasn’t meant to be. Her and Sadie were special cause in the midst of turmoil in my life they were there right by my side. They never deserted me like family. There were steadfast in their love for me. For this I am eternally grateful, I wouldn’t have made it without them.

I’m very sad, Melvin and I had to help Lucy cross Rainbow Bridge on December 11. We tried meds to alleviate her condition but it just wasn’t meant to be. She’s with Sadie now. She was such a good dog, she was right by Troy’s side during his illness fight and was there for me after he passed. I am forever grateful to her and Sadie. They kept me going. I remember the day Troy drove us to Richardson to see Lucy. Ashley went with us, when we got there Lucy hid under the dining room table. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She will forever be in my heart. I hope they both found Troy. I’m so thankful Melvin was there for me, no one was there for me when Sadie passed. But that’s family for you. Sad but true. Love you forever my Lucy Goosy. 💔

It’s been a rough couple of weeks with Lucy. She is suffering from arthritis and now urinary tract inflammation. She was Troy’s best friend, she sat with him in his chair all the time during his illness. After he passed, I would find her sitting on the floor in front of his chair. When I brought all the flowers home from the funeral I found her sitting in the midst of them. She was such a comfort to him. He was her favorite human. She turned 14 back in August and I’m just making sure she is doing ok and coping with everything. She’s been on pain meds for the arthritis because she was having trouble walking on one of her hind legs. I can now say that she is putting weight on it and doing good. I know she won’t be around forever but I’m doing what I can to keep her in my life. She was the last puppy Troy got for me, I remember going to get her. Ashley went with us, I asked Ashley if she remembers going to get her and she does. My first schnauzer Scooter, he bought for me on my birthday in 1996. Then came Sadie, and then Lucy. I’m trying to hang onto a piece of our life together, pieces keep slipping through my fingers.

Every Thanksgiving I think of my deceased father in law. This year his birthday is on Thanksgiving. Every year it was either on Thanksgiving or close, so he always comes to mind on Thanksgiving. The year he passed was a few days after Thanksgiving. I remember telling him how much I loved him. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. He treated me just like I was his daughter. He was a gruff man but would give you the shirt off his back. I’m looking forward to spending the day with our daughter. I’m so thankful for her and her husband. Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks for our family. Troy will be there in spirit. Happy Thanksgiving. 🦃🍁

Woke up thinking about past Thanksgivings. After the loss of Troy my sleep has never been the same. Our Indiana Thanksgivings were wonderful get togethers with both sides of the family. Any differences such as politics or religion were left at the door. It was just so wonderful to share all the good food and fellowship together. That’s what Thanksgiving is all about. I hate when people try to hijack the holidays and make them into something they aren’t. I’m so thankful for all those wonderful memories. All those who shared the holidays with me and Troy enriched our lives. I can still hear someone say please pass the turkey. I miss Troy, my parents, his parents, my aunt Beulah. Their presence in our lives made all the difference. Thanksgiving will never be the same.

Was a month of events not to be forgotten. Troy finally came home from the hospital after the doctor perforated his esophagus. The oncologist insisted he would be eating by Thanksgiving. They had inserted his feeding tube in his stomach. He would never be able to swallow food again. On this day that November I heard a loud thud when I was downstairs. I ran upstairs to find him lying on the floor and he couldn’t get up. I had to call an ambulance and they took him to the hospital. He was dehydrated and bleeding internally. The hospital decided they would keep him. They finally released him after insisting he stay till they resolved issues. I wanted him to have his regular oncologist. They finally agreed. Later that month he would start a fire and the chimney caught on fire. I was just sure the house would burn down but he managed to put it out. It was just one thing after another. I miss him every day, so does Ashley. I’m thankful for the time we had together. I’ll always miss him.

My last surviving uncle turned 97 on October 30. His family always lived in Remington, Indiana. At one time they had a restaurant there. When I was in grade school we visited them on weekends and they sometimes came to our house. When I was in second grade, their youngest daughter who was a year younger than me died. Her name was Cindy. I remember her funeral so vividly. She was so beautiful. It’s strange how certain moments in our life are forever ingrained in our mind. I remember her funeral like it was yesterday. I always had fun when we visited with them. Families don’t do that anymore. We are all spread out and distant.