Jane is a Widow

Hard to believe that it’s been 9 years since Troy was here celebrating his birthday. I have learned so much about people. People you trust will often turn on you after they have gotten what they want. I see that now. I’m not in that fog anymore, I’ve moved forward. This year on Troy’s birthday I felt more saddened. I guess I remember all those birthdays we celebrated together. Sometimes they feel so long ago and other times they feel like yesterday. I sure never thought my life would be like it is, but here we are.

Today Troy would have been 71 if he was still alive. We would have been going out to eat to celebrate. It’s been 9 years since he was here to celebrate. The last time we celebrated his birthday we went to Rafaels Mexican Restaurant. Troy kept getting sick. He couldn’t keep his food down. In a months time he would be diagnosed with Stage 4 esophageal cancer. All those months his doctor kept telling him it was acid reflux. But it wasn’t, it was cancer. Sad that we entrust others to accurately diagnose our ailments, And sometimes the cost is deadly. Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20.

I came across something that I wrote 9 years ago on this day. “As I stand back and look at my life, I don’t recognize it anymore. So many of the feelings I’m having for the first time in my life. I have a big gaping hole in my heart, there are really no words to describe my sadness and pain. As Troy’s birthday get closer, I pray that God will show me the way so that I no longer feel like I am outside looking in.” I have come a long way, I still have that hole in my heart but it has healed some. I sometimes still feel like I am outside looking in. I know he would be sad if he knew how things are in our family. I remember him crying in the hospital that he just wanted everyone to get along. He would be crying for sure now. Family was so important to him. Until we meet again, save me a seat Troy.

Today, August 28, is a popular birthday in our family. My late Grandmother, my brother, my late uncle and my cousin’s wife were all born on this day. It was always very easy to remember whose birthday fell on this day. So Happy Birthday to those still living and Happy Heavenly Birthday to those who have passed. We will always remember your birthday. Love to you all.

Troy would be so proud of me. It wasn’t easy but as of August 12, 2023 I no longer have a mortgage. I worked hard to achieve this. I continued to work two jobs after Troy passed. I finally decided to work only one a few years ago. I wish he was here to celebrate this achievement with me. But I couldn’t have done it without all his contributions over the years. We both worked hard. I’m so thankful I was able to do this. There are a lot of horror stories out there about widows. Unfortunately very sad. It wasn’t easy without Troy but I accomplished it. Home sweet home!

I heard the song 🎶 Spirit in the Sky from the 70’s on the way home from work today. It always reminds me of my widow friend Jacqueline who passed away. I miss her. She was so much fun and she would play the piano for us all. She hated this song and she always made me laugh when she talked about it. I will forever think of her when I hear it. I miss you Jacqueline very much. I really believe that you are a “spirit in the sky”.

I’ve been looking at real estate in the hill country. I love it down there, it’s my happy place. But I also love the ocean and think it would be nice to live close to it. I hate all the congestion up here. When we moved here in 1995, there wasn’t hardly anything along Preston and Custer. Boy has that changed. Troy wouldn’t recognize it. I love my acre though, woods behind me. We can hear owls at night and coyotes. But I long to live in the hill country. I’ll just keep looking and dreaming.

When I first became a widow I made decisions that I now find myself changing. You’re in such a fog, it’s hard to understand what is happening to you. I remember my mother telling me (after Troy passed) that after my Dad passed away she found herself sitting on the couch day after day. She said she didn’t do anything but sit on the couch because she was in that widows fog. I had a will made right after Troy passed and I have now changed it. There have been circumstances that have caused me to change it. Nothing is written in stone. Im not the same person I was 9 years ago when my world was turned upside down. I had to learn to make decisions on my own. And I’ve learned so much about those people who I thought I could count on. Guess what, I can’t.

Lucy turned 14 on August 1. I remember Troy taking me and Ashley to get her. Scooter had crossed rainbow bridge and Sadie needed a new friend. Lucy’s favorite person was Troy. When he was sick with cancer she sat with him a lot. After he died I would find her sitting all by herself on the floor next to his chair. I owe so much to her and Sadie. They are what kept me going. They made me get up every morning. If it hadn’t been for them I would have stayed in bed. There was no one calling me to see if I was ok. After my father in law died, I called my mother in law all the time and checked on her. No one did that to me. Sadie crossed rainbow bridge in 2017. I had a very special connection to her, I miss her so much. Lucy is showing signs of dementia and she has cataracts. But she’s getting along just fine.