This was our last vacation together. He would be gone in a mere 9 months. It’s hard to believe that one minute we were enjoying the beach and in a matter of weeks he was fighting for his life. I remember him standing in the kitchen hugging me saying “it is what it is”. Hug your loved ones often and tell them how much you love them. No one is promised tomorrow.
Thinking about Troy today and remembering how he liked fall. Troy and I were very different in many ways. But neither of us tried to change the other. We both treated our in laws with respect and love. That’s not always the case, in fact I’ve seen people change others into the kind of person they want them to be. They lose their individuality and become a clone of their partner. They do what the partner says, believes what the partner says and does and in the process lose their identity. Thanks but no thanks.
Just found out that a friend passed last night in his sleep. I became friends with him last year. He moved his family here from California. He’s the one who convinced me to change cardiologists. I took his advice and am so glad I did. Even though I didn’t know him well, I considered him my friend. Godspeed Bruce and prayers for your family.
Yesterday we were all reminded of the horror of September 11, 2001. I remember so clearly that day. I was working from home for Terry and Troy called me. When I answered the phone, he told me to turn on the television cause the United States was under attack. I couldn’t believe my eyes. We were all glued to the television for days. It was so hard to watch. I felt so bad for all those directly being affected. That day was definitely a defining day in our country’s history. I’m so sorry for all of those who suffered a direct loss and for our country who would never be the same. God Bless the USA.
Hard to believe that it’s been 9 years since Troy was here celebrating his birthday. I have learned so much about people. People you trust will often turn on you after they have gotten what they want. I see that now. I’m not in that fog anymore, I’ve moved forward. This year on Troy’s birthday I felt more saddened. I guess I remember all those birthdays we celebrated together. Sometimes they feel so long ago and other times they feel like yesterday. I sure never thought my life would be like it is, but here we are.
Today Troy would have been 71 if he was still alive. We would have been going out to eat to celebrate. It’s been 9 years since he was here to celebrate. The last time we celebrated his birthday we went to Rafaels Mexican Restaurant. Troy kept getting sick. He couldn’t keep his food down. In a months time he would be diagnosed with Stage 4 esophageal cancer. All those months his doctor kept telling him it was acid reflux. But it wasn’t, it was cancer. Sad that we entrust others to accurately diagnose our ailments, And sometimes the cost is deadly. Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20.
I came across something that I wrote 9 years ago on this day. “As I stand back and look at my life, I don’t recognize it anymore. So many of the feelings I’m having for the first time in my life. I have a big gaping hole in my heart, there are really no words to describe my sadness and pain. As Troy’s birthday get closer, I pray that God will show me the way so that I no longer feel like I am outside looking in.” I have come a long way, I still have that hole in my heart but it has healed some. I sometimes still feel like I am outside looking in. I know he would be sad if he knew how things are in our family. I remember him crying in the hospital that he just wanted everyone to get along. He would be crying for sure now. Family was so important to him. Until we meet again, save me a seat Troy.
Today, August 28, is a popular birthday in our family. My late Grandmother, my brother, my late uncle and my cousin’s wife were all born on this day. It was always very easy to remember whose birthday fell on this day. So Happy Birthday to those still living and Happy Heavenly Birthday to those who have passed. We will always remember your birthday. Love to you all.
Troy would be so proud of me. It wasn’t easy but as of August 12, 2023 I no longer have a mortgage. I worked hard to achieve this. I continued to work two jobs after Troy passed. I finally decided to work only one a few years ago. I wish he was here to celebrate this achievement with me. But I couldn’t have done it without all his contributions over the years. We both worked hard. I’m so thankful I was able to do this. There are a lot of horror stories out there about widows. Unfortunately very sad. It wasn’t easy without Troy but I accomplished it. Home sweet home!
Jane is a Widow 