Jane is a Widow

I heard the song 🎶 Spirit in the Sky from the 70’s on the way home from work today. It always reminds me of my widow friend Jacqueline who passed away. I miss her. She was so much fun and she would play the piano for us all. She hated this song and she always made me laugh when she talked about it. I will forever think of her when I hear it. I miss you Jacqueline very much. I really believe that you are a “spirit in the sky”.

I’ve been looking at real estate in the hill country. I love it down there, it’s my happy place. But I also love the ocean and think it would be nice to live close to it. I hate all the congestion up here. When we moved here in 1995, there wasn’t hardly anything along Preston and Custer. Boy has that changed. Troy wouldn’t recognize it. I love my acre though, woods behind me. We can hear owls at night and coyotes. But I long to live in the hill country. I’ll just keep looking and dreaming.

When I first became a widow I made decisions that I now find myself changing. You’re in such a fog, it’s hard to understand what is happening to you. I remember my mother telling me (after Troy passed) that after my Dad passed away she found herself sitting on the couch day after day. She said she didn’t do anything but sit on the couch because she was in that widows fog. I had a will made right after Troy passed and I have now changed it. There have been circumstances that have caused me to change it. Nothing is written in stone. Im not the same person I was 9 years ago when my world was turned upside down. I had to learn to make decisions on my own. And I’ve learned so much about those people who I thought I could count on. Guess what, I can’t.

Lucy turned 14 on August 1. I remember Troy taking me and Ashley to get her. Scooter had crossed rainbow bridge and Sadie needed a new friend. Lucy’s favorite person was Troy. When he was sick with cancer she sat with him a lot. After he died I would find her sitting all by herself on the floor next to his chair. I owe so much to her and Sadie. They are what kept me going. They made me get up every morning. If it hadn’t been for them I would have stayed in bed. There was no one calling me to see if I was ok. After my father in law died, I called my mother in law all the time and checked on her. No one did that to me. Sadie crossed rainbow bridge in 2017. I had a very special connection to her, I miss her so much. Lucy is showing signs of dementia and she has cataracts. But she’s getting along just fine.

Been thinking about Muncie a lot lately, and then my classmate tells me about a shooting there on Sunday. Sometimes I miss Muncie, I’ve now lived here longer than I lived there. Too bad you can’t take with you the best of where you are leaving. But you have all your memories. And then they start meshing together. Something here will remind of there. If I’m up there visiting, something up there will remind me of here. And in that mix is all my memories of my childhood in Middletown. One memory starts a chain reaction of memories. Some memories not so good so I try to cover them with the good ones. Thank God for memories. They are so valuable and they can’t be bought just made.

I’m working on disposing of items not really needed and items left behind by others. This pushes me closer to my goal of moving south. It’s amazing how many things Troy and I accumulated over the years. Some of the items have a memory attached to them. Every item I get rid of is one more thing gone from our life together. The memories are infinite. Sometimes it seems like they all mesh together. It’s important to keep moving forward….

Today was the day that I watched my Dad take his last breath. That’s why July 1995 will always be one of the turning points in my life. I’m so thankful that my Dad and I became very close. He shared with me his stories of his time in the Army during WWII. I was shocked by all that he went through and he was wounded. He sent his medals home to his mother but when he came home they were nowhere to be found. Someone had taken them. So I helped him get all his medals replaced even his Purple Heart. I was so proud of my Dads service to his country. I know some people from another country and it infuriates me when I hear them put our country down. So many people made the sacrifice so that we could be free. Why did you come here? I have his medals now. What a July it had been. So many changes. Beginnings and endings. I miss you Dad, until we meet again.

My brother, his wife and I flew to Indiana. My Dad was hanging on with the help of a ventilator. I wasn’t prepared for the image of seeing that. I grabbed his hand and when he saw me he started crying. The only time I ever saw my Dad cry. It was like God had him hang on till we got there. It was all like a nightmare. It was strange being back in our home in Muncie. Our neighbor had been taking care of Molly, she was so glad to see me. To be continued….