Jane is a Widow

Getting ready to go to cemetery and put flowers on Troy’s grave. Wanted to go yesterday but it started storming and we couldn’t go. I’ll have a talk with him about my plans to see an attorney to make changes to a document I did after he died.

I just need to remind myself that there are a lot of evil people walking this earth. We are never really alone if God is in our life.

Today would be Troy’s 71st birthday. The 8th one since he passed. To say I miss him would be an understatement. He would not recognize our family unfortunately. Thank God Melvin has come into my life, otherwise I would be alone. I’m hoping to relocate in the future but things have been progressing slowly, thanks to me. I’ve learned many things since his last birthday. I’ve prayed for guidance and I’m taking steps next week to make big changes that will affect myself and others in the future. I must stay on top of things and make changes when it’s best for me. Love you Troy, until we meet again. 💔

I’m really missing Troy right now. He saw people for what they really were. He would see through their fake personality and always say to watch out for who they really were. He warned me and often mentioned names. I now see what he was talking about. He was so smart.

A warning to all those who become widows, it’s like it’s open season on you from family members. This is the 8th year since Troy passed and family members continue to show their true colors. They expect you to do what they want you to do, vote the way they want you to vote, believe what they want you to believe. If you don’t follow their rules they trash and exclude you from family functions. Then they send you a two page letter telling you how much they have hated you and how miserable you made their life. They lie about you and if you have a new partner they lie about them too. It’s really sad and I know Troy would be so disappointed in those very people he thought would look out for me. You must purge from your life these people who only wish you harm. If you can’t count on family, who can you count on. There are widows you can align with and offer support. You must always be on guard. I believe in what goes around comes around and at some point they will be served. It’s not enough that I lost my husband, but I must also deal with selfish, arrogant family members who want to control me. I never dreamed that my life would take such drastic turns along the way, but it has. Those I thought loved me really don’t. I don’t recognize my life anymore.

I am just now referencing the 8 year anniversary of Troy’s passing. A lot of stuff has happened in these past 8 years. It was an emotional day for me this year. It’s different every year. I still miss him and love him just as much as I did. A lot of the people who told Troy they would be there for me aren’t there for me. They deserted me, people I never thought would do that to me but they have. And that’s ok. One day they will understand. You really shouldn’t make promises to people on their deathbed that you have no intention of keeping. That could be very haunting. It’s been so hot I haven’t taken any flowers to his grave but I will as soon as it cools down. Some days it’s still so hard to believe he’s gone.

The eight year anniversary of Troy’s passing is less than a month away. It’s hard to believe that he’s been gone that long but other times it seems like it’s been forever. All those people he expected to stay in my life, haven’t. There are times I don’t recognize my life, it is forever changed. People are not so kind as they once were or so I thought they were. People used to have each others back, but not anymore. I often reflect on something my father-in-law said to me one time, just remember you can only count on yourself. And he was so right. He knew exactly what he was talking about, he had been there done that.

I came across an old letter that I wrote Troy when we were dating and one my Aunt Beulah wrote me in 2010. In her letter she apologizes for taking so long to write. We were going to make a trip there in July and this is when I first started seeing signs of the dementia. Made me sad, she was always so good to me, treated me like her daughter and I could see her slipping away from me. I kept trying to get her to move to Texas and live with me and Troy but she always refused. As for the letter to Troy, it was a reminder to me that I loved him the moment I met him. He must have saved this one letter I wrote him when he was staying in Kentucky. Maybe he kept it cause I told him I loved him. I hit the jackpot finding these letters. I’m glad I found them. It was just what I needed.

I look back on things and see how it was all slowly evolving. Troy would mention things to me but you never want to think bad of anyone or anything. I’ve learned that people can actually hide behind their many faces. And then at some point it is all going to come to light and you will see that person for who they really are. And it can be quite painful, especially if you put trust into that person and felt love for them. Maybe you did things for them that you hoped would cause them to appreciate you but there comes a point when they have gotten what they wanted from you and they no longer have a need for you. Then they tell others things about you that aren’t true cause they have to make themselves look good. They want others to believe that you no longer have a relationship because of something you did surely not because of something they did. I could never use someone, no one deserves that but I sure have allowed myself to be used. When I tell those I know the story they feel sadness for me, sadness that it happened to me. But I don’t have anything to feel bad about, I have treated them nice and they are the ones who have chosen to take the road they did. There is no going back for me, it can never be the way it was, not again. I must protect myself from people like that and once they have exposed themselves, I’m done. I always forgive but never forget. The hurt that I felt is no longer there. I’m ok, I survived it. I’ve made changes since my heart attack to protect myself, we must never let people have a hold on us. I’m not perfect but I am a good person. I try to treat others like I like to be treated and best of all I’m not fake. It’s really me, not a mask. You should always treat others the way you like to be treated, you never know when you might need them. I’m so thankful Melvin was there when I had my heart attack, he along with God helped me through it.

Feeling really sad today on what would have been our 46th wedding anniversary. I was thinking how I was spending the whole morning getting ready. I kept thinking I hope Troy shows up, haha. It was a small wedding in a little country church I grew up in. My mother didn’t want to help me with the wedding so I did it mostly by myself. It was a sunny spring day. I remember one of Troy’s friends put a feather pillow in our car and there were feathers everywhere and they were flying out the windows. We were finding feathers for a long time in our car, haha. All these memories are nice, comforting. Someday I hope they overcome the sadness that I feel. Grief changes. It changes you. I’m for sure not the same person and my near death experience in January has changed me also. I now see people for who they really are not who I thought they were. People can be cruel and it hurts to learn that those you love and trust can turn on you but they do. And how they say things about you that are so untrue. People will eventually see the truth. But you must keep moving forward knowing that you gave it your all. And I believe God has been there with me every step of the way and still is.