Jane is a Widow

Our 46th wedding anniversary is just around the corner. I can’t believe how much my life has changed in the last 8 years since Troy passed. I should have seen things as they were and not how I wanted them to be. So many people in my family that I trusted actually turned on me. All because Troy was no longer here, they would have never done it if he had still been alive. I’m much wiser than I was, I see things more clearly now instead of the fog I was in. Let’s just say I am seeing things the way they really are.

Wow! I have finally realized what has been going on since Troy passed away. It was slow and carefully planned. As I look back at the sequence of events I see how I was phased out of someone’s life. They know who they are. I’m just glad Troy is not here to witness it. It would hurt him terribly. Since my recent hospital visit I have made changes to protect myself in the future.

It’s been a week since I was released from the hospital after suffering a heart attack and lung issues. Thank you God for seeing me through. I’m here today because of you. It was definitely an eye opening experience. Thank God for Melvin. I wouldn’t be here today if he hadn’t been here.

I’m now looking at life through a different lens. Changes that I need to make so that all the people who really care about me are making the decisions that affect my life and are looking out for my best interest. I can’t have people in my circle who shun me. I must let them go and move on. I can’t trust those who shun me to make decisions that are in my best interest.

Hopefully I will make those changes this week. I am so very thankful for all the prayers for me. Thank you everyone who said a prayer for me. I love you all. I have faith that God will get me where I need to be. Amen.

Yesterday was my Aunt Beulah’s birthday. I miss her so much, she was like a mother to me. I really felt so much love from her, she never had children of her own and she would always tell me that I was her daughter. I remember after having major surgery when Trey was 2, my mother told me if I needed any help to ask my Aunt Beulah for help. Thank God for my aunt who stepped right up to the plate and helped. She cooked meals and brought them to us so I didn’t have to cook. During that time me and my aunt became very close. I couldn’t have done it without her. My mother would later resent my relationship with my aunt but thanks to her we became close. I remember when I was in grade school I used to go and stay all night with her and Charles, her husband. He treated her like gold, he was such a good man who died way too young. I don’t think Beulah ever got over losing him. She would marry again, he was a nice guy but nothing like Charles. Her first husband, Cecil, abused her by beating her and I remember her telling me the story of how he wrapped a belt around her neck and was choking her. She was finally able to get away from him and years after that is when she met Charles. She was a hard worker just like all my Dad’s siblings were. They were all close to each other too, not like me and my siblings. But their mother encouraged them to be close, mine didn’t. So Happy Birthday in heaven Aunt Beulah, I love and miss you. Until we meet again.

This Thanksgiving I realized just how much my life has changed in the 7 years Troy has been gone. And I’m sure there’s more changes to come along the way. Life is way to short to let differences affect our relationships. It’s our uniqueness that makes us who we are. No one should expect us to change. Melvin has been here 3 years. He’s helped me so much. He’s different than Troy but he’s a good man. It’s no fun being all alone. It’s so hard especially when you’ve spent your whole life with someone. Troy was always the uniter. He could bring everyone together and smooth things over if needed. He liked everyone and didn’t care if what they believed was different than what he did. It was so important to him that we all get along, we’re family. I remember him lying in the hospital bed at Baylor and he was crying. This was the first and only time he ever cried in front of me. He said he just wanted everyone to get along. No fussing or fighting amongst us. And I agree. Our differences are so unimportant in the scheme of things. There are things much bigger that we all will face in our lifetime. So put aside your differences and welcome everyone to the table, Troy did.

Today is my deceased father-in-laws birthday. He was a gruff man with the biggest heart. I’m so glad I got to tell him how much I loved him before he passed away. He got sick on Thanksgiving the year he passed. He would be gone in a matter of a few days. He treated me like a daughter. He wasn’t really affectionate but his love showed in his actions. Before me and Troy were married, I used to go the their house late at night to see if Troy was there, I know I always woke him up but he never got mad. He had a very bad life growing up. His dad died and when his mother remarried he was sent off to live with other relatives. He lived with a cousin named Geraldine for a while. I think he kind of became a drifter. But he was such a good dad and husband. I miss you John, thank you for being such a good Dad to Troy and for making me feel like a part of your family.

As the saying goes, you have to grab a bull by it’s horns. I am about to do this. I am making some major changes to protect myself. I know things will never be the same and that’s ok. It’s what I’ve learned that is so important and that I learned it before it was too late. I think I had blinders on after Troy died and didn’t see things as they really were or more importantly didn’t see people for who they really were. Troy and I had many discussions and I know he saw things differently than I did. Sometimes we see things through rose colored lenses and it’s important to trade them in for clear ones. Let’s just say I’ve done that. I’m sharing my discovery with others. As Johnny Nash once said “I can see clearly now”.

I saw a quote by Steve Maraboli today that sure rang true, “As I got older, I started to cut out food that was bad for me. As I got wiser, I did the same with people”. It’s funny how when you’re younger, you think you know everything and you really don’t know squat. Life has so much to teach you. There are things you can’t get by reading a book, watching a documentary, etc. Life has to teach them to you. And I have learned so much more from the death of my spouse, I’ve learned things I really didn’t want to know. So when you think you know it all, YOU DON’T.

I have been learning things about people I thought I knew, and thought I could trust. What an eye opening 7 years it has been. I didn’t realize that I knew so many narcissists, but I do. I am in the process now of making sure I am protected. My father-in-law always said don’t count on anyone but yourself, how true that is. I know now what he was referencing. People can be so disappointing. You think you know them and then one day POOF! Just remember there are things you can do to protect yourself, just do it. I am.

I saw a post on a social media site today from a widow who was going to have to spend the Thanksgiving holidays alone. Her husband had recently passed and she is waiting on probate. I reached out to her to invite her to spend the holiday at my house. I told her that I also was a widow and understood how she felt. I didn’t want to tell her but it just goes down from here. All those people who tell you that they are there for you, they aren’t. Troy’s main concern wasn’t for himself but for me. He knew me better than anyone else and he knew what a struggle it would be for me without him. I have watched people drop off from that day, after shaking my hand and telling me they were there for me. No they weren’t. It just made them feel better to say it, they didn’t really mean it. And anyway when can they call it quits cause its been a few days or a few weeks, they tell themselves that it’s ok, there is a limit to grieving, that is for them anyway. I still have people dropping off, that’s ok. They will someday go through exactly what I have been going through and they will finally understand. Sad to say but we all have to go through it, you can’t escape it. I know you think it will never happen to you but it will, believe me I thought the same thing. And look here we are. So stop and think the next time you aren’t there for someone when they are grieving. It’s so true, what goes around comes around.

Autumn is upon me and with it comes lots of memories. Troy really enjoyed the season, and I do too, it’s just that I don’t like the season that comes after it. I’ve been melancholy the last couple of weeks, really missing him. Sometimes the memories all run together, like mini snapshots of my life. I’m glad that I have them to go to because I no longer recognize the country I grew up in. I’ve never seen so much hate and division as I do now. Even in families. I know if he were here right now, he would be able to sort it all out. He had a way of putting things in perspective for me. I saw a commercial today that made me realize just how fortunate I have been. It was a young widow with seven children. And she was saying she doesn’t have seven arms, and I thought to myself how fortunate that my husband was alive when our children were growing up. How difficult things must be for her, first the grief of losing her husband and then how to take care of seven small children. I was wishing I could give her a hug and tell her the grief is ever changing, it won’t always be the same. I wish I could ask her if there is anything I can do to lighten her load. I had Troy for 38 years, that’s a long time. We grew up together, we had a bond that some people never experience in their life. He knew me better than I know myself and vice versa. So when people diss me and act like I am some terrible person, I think to myself what Troy would say. He would say they are shallow and inconsiderate. In a world where you can be kind, why be anything else. People will eventually see what kind of person you really are, your true colors will emerge. People see how they were used, and how superficial feelings really are. And at that point there will be no more hiding. You will be exposed.