Jane is a Widow

I am just now referencing the 8 year anniversary of Troy’s passing. A lot of stuff has happened in these past 8 years. It was an emotional day for me this year. It’s different every year. I still miss him and love him just as much as I did. A lot of the people who told Troy they would be there for me aren’t there for me. They deserted me, people I never thought would do that to me but they have. And that’s ok. One day they will understand. You really shouldn’t make promises to people on their deathbed that you have no intention of keeping. That could be very haunting. It’s been so hot I haven’t taken any flowers to his grave but I will as soon as it cools down. Some days it’s still so hard to believe he’s gone.

The eight year anniversary of Troy’s passing is less than a month away. It’s hard to believe that he’s been gone that long but other times it seems like it’s been forever. All those people he expected to stay in my life, haven’t. There are times I don’t recognize my life, it is forever changed. People are not so kind as they once were or so I thought they were. People used to have each others back, but not anymore. I often reflect on something my father-in-law said to me one time, just remember you can only count on yourself. And he was so right. He knew exactly what he was talking about, he had been there done that.

I came across an old letter that I wrote Troy when we were dating and one my Aunt Beulah wrote me in 2010. In her letter she apologizes for taking so long to write. We were going to make a trip there in July and this is when I first started seeing signs of the dementia. Made me sad, she was always so good to me, treated me like her daughter and I could see her slipping away from me. I kept trying to get her to move to Texas and live with me and Troy but she always refused. As for the letter to Troy, it was a reminder to me that I loved him the moment I met him. He must have saved this one letter I wrote him when he was staying in Kentucky. Maybe he kept it cause I told him I loved him. I hit the jackpot finding these letters. I’m glad I found them. It was just what I needed.

I look back on things and see how it was all slowly evolving. Troy would mention things to me but you never want to think bad of anyone or anything. I’ve learned that people can actually hide behind their many faces. And then at some point it is all going to come to light and you will see that person for who they really are. And it can be quite painful, especially if you put trust into that person and felt love for them. Maybe you did things for them that you hoped would cause them to appreciate you but there comes a point when they have gotten what they wanted from you and they no longer have a need for you. Then they tell others things about you that aren’t true cause they have to make themselves look good. They want others to believe that you no longer have a relationship because of something you did surely not because of something they did. I could never use someone, no one deserves that but I sure have allowed myself to be used. When I tell those I know the story they feel sadness for me, sadness that it happened to me. But I don’t have anything to feel bad about, I have treated them nice and they are the ones who have chosen to take the road they did. There is no going back for me, it can never be the way it was, not again. I must protect myself from people like that and once they have exposed themselves, I’m done. I always forgive but never forget. The hurt that I felt is no longer there. I’m ok, I survived it. I’ve made changes since my heart attack to protect myself, we must never let people have a hold on us. I’m not perfect but I am a good person. I try to treat others like I like to be treated and best of all I’m not fake. It’s really me, not a mask. You should always treat others the way you like to be treated, you never know when you might need them. I’m so thankful Melvin was there when I had my heart attack, he along with God helped me through it.

Feeling really sad today on what would have been our 46th wedding anniversary. I was thinking how I was spending the whole morning getting ready. I kept thinking I hope Troy shows up, haha. It was a small wedding in a little country church I grew up in. My mother didn’t want to help me with the wedding so I did it mostly by myself. It was a sunny spring day. I remember one of Troy’s friends put a feather pillow in our car and there were feathers everywhere and they were flying out the windows. We were finding feathers for a long time in our car, haha. All these memories are nice, comforting. Someday I hope they overcome the sadness that I feel. Grief changes. It changes you. I’m for sure not the same person and my near death experience in January has changed me also. I now see people for who they really are not who I thought they were. People can be cruel and it hurts to learn that those you love and trust can turn on you but they do. And how they say things about you that are so untrue. People will eventually see the truth. But you must keep moving forward knowing that you gave it your all. And I believe God has been there with me every step of the way and still is.

Our 46th wedding anniversary is just around the corner. I can’t believe how much my life has changed in the last 8 years since Troy passed. I should have seen things as they were and not how I wanted them to be. So many people in my family that I trusted actually turned on me. All because Troy was no longer here, they would have never done it if he had still been alive. I’m much wiser than I was, I see things more clearly now instead of the fog I was in. Let’s just say I am seeing things the way they really are.

Wow! I have finally realized what has been going on since Troy passed away. It was slow and carefully planned. As I look back at the sequence of events I see how I was phased out of someone’s life. They know who they are. I’m just glad Troy is not here to witness it. It would hurt him terribly. Since my recent hospital visit I have made changes to protect myself in the future.

It’s been a week since I was released from the hospital after suffering a heart attack and lung issues. Thank you God for seeing me through. I’m here today because of you. It was definitely an eye opening experience. Thank God for Melvin. I wouldn’t be here today if he hadn’t been here.

I’m now looking at life through a different lens. Changes that I need to make so that all the people who really care about me are making the decisions that affect my life and are looking out for my best interest. I can’t have people in my circle who shun me. I must let them go and move on. I can’t trust those who shun me to make decisions that are in my best interest.

Hopefully I will make those changes this week. I am so very thankful for all the prayers for me. Thank you everyone who said a prayer for me. I love you all. I have faith that God will get me where I need to be. Amen.

Yesterday was my Aunt Beulah’s birthday. I miss her so much, she was like a mother to me. I really felt so much love from her, she never had children of her own and she would always tell me that I was her daughter. I remember after having major surgery when Trey was 2, my mother told me if I needed any help to ask my Aunt Beulah for help. Thank God for my aunt who stepped right up to the plate and helped. She cooked meals and brought them to us so I didn’t have to cook. During that time me and my aunt became very close. I couldn’t have done it without her. My mother would later resent my relationship with my aunt but thanks to her we became close. I remember when I was in grade school I used to go and stay all night with her and Charles, her husband. He treated her like gold, he was such a good man who died way too young. I don’t think Beulah ever got over losing him. She would marry again, he was a nice guy but nothing like Charles. Her first husband, Cecil, abused her by beating her and I remember her telling me the story of how he wrapped a belt around her neck and was choking her. She was finally able to get away from him and years after that is when she met Charles. She was a hard worker just like all my Dad’s siblings were. They were all close to each other too, not like me and my siblings. But their mother encouraged them to be close, mine didn’t. So Happy Birthday in heaven Aunt Beulah, I love and miss you. Until we meet again.

This Thanksgiving I realized just how much my life has changed in the 7 years Troy has been gone. And I’m sure there’s more changes to come along the way. Life is way to short to let differences affect our relationships. It’s our uniqueness that makes us who we are. No one should expect us to change. Melvin has been here 3 years. He’s helped me so much. He’s different than Troy but he’s a good man. It’s no fun being all alone. It’s so hard especially when you’ve spent your whole life with someone. Troy was always the uniter. He could bring everyone together and smooth things over if needed. He liked everyone and didn’t care if what they believed was different than what he did. It was so important to him that we all get along, we’re family. I remember him lying in the hospital bed at Baylor and he was crying. This was the first and only time he ever cried in front of me. He said he just wanted everyone to get along. No fussing or fighting amongst us. And I agree. Our differences are so unimportant in the scheme of things. There are things much bigger that we all will face in our lifetime. So put aside your differences and welcome everyone to the table, Troy did.