Jane is a Widow

I am missing Troy a lot these days but I have some comfort in the fact that he is not here to see how relationships are and how mean people have become. He would be so disappointed I know, he used to make comments about things he saw in people we knew. He had a very good perception of what he thought peoples true intentions were and if they were putting on airs. He was right. He didn’t care what you believed in, he would still be your friend. My how things have changed. People often find themselves kicked to the curb like they are nothing. I’m so glad I am not that way, cause I truly believe in Karma. We should always love one another and support each other. Unfortunately it is no longer like it was in the 70’s, when it was all about love one another. There is so much hate and division now. It is so ugly, people are so ugly to one another. I am so thankful that I can carry on a conversation with others who believe differently than me. Unfortunately, that seems to be a rarity today.

Another year is half gone and I still haven’t managed to get my house ready to sell. But I am working on it, I am making some progress. The fact that I don’t feel welcome here anymore is helping to motivate me. Troy would want me to live where I feel comfortable and loved. He would want me to be happy, that was something he stressed right before he died. I’m 65 and I don’t know how much time I have left. Life is way too short to waste it. If you don’t want me in your life, so be it. People live in a bubble where they think everything they believe is the right way and they have no respect for those who feel differently. That is hateful and divisive. That’s ok if you want to be so selfish that you only think of yourself, I think truly good people accept others no matter what. And they never put on “airs”. So many people put on “airs”, and at some point you see the real person. People these days are so hateful and rude. I always forgive but I don’t forget. People need to be very sure before they cut people out of their life, cause it cuts deep. Sometimes you can’t undo the damage done to the relationship. Like I said I am not getting any younger and it is time to enjoy. We never get too old to learn, I’m still learning. We both worked so hard all our life and I want to enjoy some things. It’s unfortunate that he is not here to enjoy it with me. I worked two jobs for so many years and Troy worked his butt off so our children had the opportunity to enjoy things that made them happy. I spent the majority of my married years making sure everyone was doing what they loved and had everything they needed. I never stopped and checked on myself. That time has come. Some close friends have passed away this year and sadly it’s just a reminder of how fragile our life really is. We can be here today but gone tomorrow. Our lives can change in the blink of an eye. That happened to mine and Troy’s life one day. It was never the same. So shut me out of your life if you must, it’s your loss, not mine. I would never do that.

I’ve really been in a melancholy mood the last few days, I am really missing Troy. This time of year I always think about the vacations we took, the memories from them all jumbled together. Plus July was a month of transition for us, so many changes in the year 1995. We moved 1000 miles, I held my Dad’s hand for the last time, my brother had a heart attack and bypass surgery. Needless to say it was a crazy year, so this July I am feeling sad and the cloudy skies are not helping with my mood. The rain yesterday made me think of the first week we were living here in 1995, it was rainy that week and I was trying to clean the apartment we were in. I was learning my way around Plano, and it all seemed so foreign to me but now it’s home. I also need to remember that people come into our lives for specific reasons and they don’t always stay. Some stay longer than others, some leave to never return. There are some things that we cannot change no matter how hard we try, we just have to let it go. I know there are things happening right now that Troy would be sad about, but I can’t change them. If he were still here, things would be very different. But he’s not, and I know he would be thankful for Mel helping me with the house. He treats me right and never asks for anything in return. People don’t realize how hard it is losing someone and then having to do everything yourself. It’s nice when someone offers to help with no ulterior motives. I feel pretty much deserted. I could not do it all alone, its too large a task for a women my age. After Troy died, I slowly watched people drop off from my radar. And POOF! They were gone. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, reserve judgment. And I do believe in Karma, I believe that however you treat people will surely come back to you. Life is too short to be mad and bitter at people especially if they are different. Who says that you are more important than the next guy. You get back what you give to others. Cause once they are gone, that’s it. No going back to make things right. If someone doesn’t want to be around me when I’m alive, then don’t be coming around after I’m gone. Just try loving people for who they are and accepting them.

One more day until the horrific day that forever changed my life. Wish I could just skip over it. It will always remind me of the pain I felt that day and still feel. It’s ever changing but it is there. He was having so much difficulty breathing, I never could understand how he was doing ok with the meds and the next time I saw him he was gasping for air. Every breath was a struggle for him. What the hell happened? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. He was supposed to get better and go home. How could this be happening??? I knew as I watched him struggle to breathe that the chances of him going home were pretty slim. But I do believe in miracles, I prayed for one but it didn’t happen. The longer he was on the ventilator I knew the chances of him going home weren’t very good. This was such a nightmare, one I wanted to wake up from. He had told Trey he wanted to talk to me but the next time I saw him he was on the ventilator, so I never knew what it was that he wanted to tell me. I wish I knew…….tomorrow I will finish telling this nightmare.

It’s getting so close to the June day of Troy’s death. This will be 7 years but sometimes it seems like yesterday. I remember the days before as if it were yesterday. The day after Father’s Day was the day Trey took him to the ER. I had an appointment of my own that morning so I was glad Trey was able to take him to the hospital. He couldn’t even hardly get out of his chair, I had to put his shoes on and help him get dressed. I’m sorry if I am repeating myself but I just keep playing it over and over in my head. I remember looking out the back door and seeing our pool which had been taken over by algae. It would only get worse as the week wore on. I always loved June cause it was the start of summer but it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I will never look at June the same again. Cause it was the month my life changed so much. We were supposed to be enjoying summer instead of watching our lives fall apart. This is the time of year when the days are so long and the smell of summer is in the air. Not supposed to look at your green pool and wonder if your husband is going to get better. I prayed a lot and I know others did too. He was supposed to be working on his yard and trying to figure out what was wrong with the pool. But instead he was fighting for his life. And like I said the pool kept getting greener and greener.

Remembering the two men in my life who helped shape me into the person I am today. My late father and husband. They both played important roles in my life. I miss them both in different ways. My father’s guidance was so important. He was a man who never really showed emotions but I felt his love. He taught me so much, I still have things I would like to ask him. He was a soldier in WWII and was wounded. He never talked about his service until later in life. I so cherish those stories he told me. I admired him so much for he had to give up so much to serve his country. And he never complained and he never asked for help. My husband on the other hand shaped me in other ways. We grew up together. I loved him from the moment I met him. He stole my heart. I was 16 when I first laid eyes on him. My life would never be the same. Through the years we went through many trying times but always came out stronger. I have so many wonderful memories and woven in between them are the times our life wasn’t easy. But that’s what it is all about. Coming through the tough times together. He was such an optimist which made up for me being a pessimist. He was always smiling even through all the chemo and radiation. He never complained. He loved being a father. That was his number one job. And he was the best, our kids couldn’t have had a better father. He was completely devoted to Trey and Ashley. It brings tears to my eyes that he’s no longer here to share in our lives. On his deathbed he apologized to me for not being more romantic through the years. But that’s ok, I could have been different too. He sent me a text a couple of days before he was put on the ventilator and said he “loved me more than ever.” “He said the nurses are the best I’ve ever had.“ Just like he always was, thinking of others. I could write a book about Troy and there would still be more to say. I held the hand of both my father and husband as they left this earth. Told them both how much I loved them. I’m confident they both heard me, anyway I sure hope they did.

The day is approaching, the day my life changed forever. The memory of that day is etched in my mind. It’s like it was yesterday. I see it much clearer as years pass. The sadness never leaves. I’ve changed so much, I’m not the same person I was on that day. I had to change in order to survive it. I had to move forward and continue to do so. There are those who don’t understand me. They haven’t been through what I have. They will understand when it happens to them. There is no escaping it. It’s inevitable. I never thought it would happen to me but it did. It’s not a situation that you can control. You have no power to stop it. And at the time you can’t believe it’s happening but it is. All you can do is hang on and try to move forward. It will consume you if you let it, but you mustn’t. Grief is ever changing. Just grab hold and hang on. I thought Troy was going to make it, the meds were working and he was finally moved to a room. The doctor said he should be able to go home in a few days. I was not prepared for what followed but then how do you prepare yourself to lose the person whose been in your life since you were 16. Your other half. You can’t, you just watch everything happening and you can’t stop the ride and get off.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. I always associate the day with Troy, that was when he start acting different. He tried to work on the pool that morning but it was difficult for him. I felt so bad for him. It would have been nice if someone that knew about pools would have helped him. Trey and his friend Jay came over and we grilled. I am so glad Jay came over cause that would be the last time he saw Troy. And Troy loved sitting there with both of them and watching sports. I remember he slept in the chair all night, he never got up. And in the morning when I told him he needed to get ready for his doctor appointment he told me to call them and tell them he didn’t feel like going. That was when they told me to get him to the emergency room. I had to help him dress and put his shoes on. I went onto my doctors appointment and Trey got him to the hospital. He was so weak, I just hate what all that cancer and chemo did to him. Makes me so sad. They admitted him to the hospital and sad to say he never came home. So Father’s Day is kind of a downer to me.

I was thinking back to the last time I saw my Dad. My aunt had a Worley reunion at her house the summer of ’95. It was right before we moved to Texas. It was the last time I got together with some of my relatives that I would never see again. It was the last time I saw my cousin Nancy, my Uncle Herschel, my Aunt Mary Lou, and my uncle Conley. They all passed away sometime after the reunion. And since that time we lost Aunt Beulah, Aunt Allie, my mother Marga, my father Bill, and my Aunt Flonnie. We all met for breakfast the following morning. I remember my Uncle Conley doing his normal jokes, I loved his sense of humor. He looked so much like my Dad. He was such a good man. I miss my Dad. He was a man of few words but I always listened to what he said. I had so much respect for him. I may have not agreed with everything he said, I still respected him.

I often think about how different things were then compared to now. I had so much respect for my in-laws that I would have never disrespected them for anything. I loved them. No matter how different we believed I still loved and respected them. That’s not how it is nowadays. I feel so much hate from people now, I never felt hate back then. Nowadays you are shunned if you believe differently than someone else. I’m glad I’m not like that. Let people believe what they want and still love them. Don’t push them off into the corner and act as if they don’t exist, because they do. The 70’s were so full of love and peace. Wish it were that way now. We all helped each other and we didn’t care what political party you belonged to.

So this Father’s Day I will be thinking about Troy and my Dad, and my Father-in-law. Wishing they were here. Thanking them for all the wonderful memories. Wishing things now were peaceful and loving. Be kind to someone, lend them a hand and wish them a wonderful day. Stop hating those who believe differently than you. We are all in this together.

April 24th would have been our 45th wedding anniversary……really hard to believe that it was all so long ago but everything stopped at our 38th. I will forever remember that day, it is etched in my mind. I went to work on the 23rd but had to leave because I couldn’t stop sneezing. I am sure it was some kind of nervous reaction to what was going to take place on the 24th. We had the rehearsal dinner at Red Lobster the evening of the 23rd. It was a fun evening. After our wedding we drove through Middletown blowing the horn and getting rid of all the feathers in the car. One of Troy’s friends had put a feather pillow in our car and cut it open so there were feathers everywhere. I was still finding feathers the next year in there, haha. It was such a simple wedding, all of that wasn’t important to me. That I was getting to marry the man of my dreams was all that mattered. I remember Troy’s Mom teasing and saying they would come down to the lake in a few days to celebrate with us. I kept thinking oh my if she shows up for my honeymoon, I’ll die. As I look back on my life, there are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had traveled and finished my degree before I got married. Troy did a lot of traveling with his friends but I had really done zero traveling. It always seemed like I was doing what someone else wanted me to do not what I wanted to do. I worked two jobs most of the time after we moved to Texas and cheated myself out of many weekends to relax and enjoy. It’s funny how life works things out for you. When Troy was sick I was working all the time and ironically he’s no longer here and I am only working part time. And as you get older you realize that all that other noise is unimportant. It really doesn’t matter. And you find that some of the choices you made you regret later but you can’t go back and redo. Try to do others right cause you may not get a second chance.

Yesterday was my mother-in-laws heavenly birthday. I miss her all the time, she was such a sweet, giving person who really never thought of herself. She was just so happy to be around me and Troy, and the kids. That’s what made her the happiest. Every Sunday she would come up to our house in Muncie after her church service, and she would send Troy to get a big bucket of fried chicken and we would all have dinner together. She loved doing that so much. I miss having people like that in my life. They just love you no matter what, they don’t care what political party you belong to or what your favorite food is or what your hobbies are. They love you just for being you. I was sad all day, I just kept thinking of her and how wonderful everything was when we used to all get together. I miss that so much. They would be getting ready to leave for Lake Cumberland about this time of year, and we would go down for a three day weekend every now and then. I am so glad I have those memories. They bring me comfort, I am so glad I had people like her in my life that gave me so much love. I saw something interesting today, it rang so true. It said, “In life, you will fall out with people that you never thought you would. Get betrayed by people you trusted with all of your heart. And get used by people you would do anything for.” Kind of takes your breath away.