Jane is a Widow

Today is my deceased father-in-laws birthday. He was a gruff man with the biggest heart. I’m so glad I got to tell him how much I loved him before he passed away. He got sick on Thanksgiving the year he passed. He would be gone in a matter of a few days. He treated me like a daughter. He wasn’t really affectionate but his love showed in his actions. Before me and Troy were married, I used to go the their house late at night to see if Troy was there, I know I always woke him up but he never got mad. He had a very bad life growing up. His dad died and when his mother remarried he was sent off to live with other relatives. He lived with a cousin named Geraldine for a while. I think he kind of became a drifter. But he was such a good dad and husband. I miss you John, thank you for being such a good Dad to Troy and for making me feel like a part of your family.

As the saying goes, you have to grab a bull by it’s horns. I am about to do this. I am making some major changes to protect myself. I know things will never be the same and that’s ok. It’s what I’ve learned that is so important and that I learned it before it was too late. I think I had blinders on after Troy died and didn’t see things as they really were or more importantly didn’t see people for who they really were. Troy and I had many discussions and I know he saw things differently than I did. Sometimes we see things through rose colored lenses and it’s important to trade them in for clear ones. Let’s just say I’ve done that. I’m sharing my discovery with others. As Johnny Nash once said “I can see clearly now”.

I saw a quote by Steve Maraboli today that sure rang true, “As I got older, I started to cut out food that was bad for me. As I got wiser, I did the same with people”. It’s funny how when you’re younger, you think you know everything and you really don’t know squat. Life has so much to teach you. There are things you can’t get by reading a book, watching a documentary, etc. Life has to teach them to you. And I have learned so much more from the death of my spouse, I’ve learned things I really didn’t want to know. So when you think you know it all, YOU DON’T.

I have been learning things about people I thought I knew, and thought I could trust. What an eye opening 7 years it has been. I didn’t realize that I knew so many narcissists, but I do. I am in the process now of making sure I am protected. My father-in-law always said don’t count on anyone but yourself, how true that is. I know now what he was referencing. People can be so disappointing. You think you know them and then one day POOF! Just remember there are things you can do to protect yourself, just do it. I am.

I saw a post on a social media site today from a widow who was going to have to spend the Thanksgiving holidays alone. Her husband had recently passed and she is waiting on probate. I reached out to her to invite her to spend the holiday at my house. I told her that I also was a widow and understood how she felt. I didn’t want to tell her but it just goes down from here. All those people who tell you that they are there for you, they aren’t. Troy’s main concern wasn’t for himself but for me. He knew me better than anyone else and he knew what a struggle it would be for me without him. I have watched people drop off from that day, after shaking my hand and telling me they were there for me. No they weren’t. It just made them feel better to say it, they didn’t really mean it. And anyway when can they call it quits cause its been a few days or a few weeks, they tell themselves that it’s ok, there is a limit to grieving, that is for them anyway. I still have people dropping off, that’s ok. They will someday go through exactly what I have been going through and they will finally understand. Sad to say but we all have to go through it, you can’t escape it. I know you think it will never happen to you but it will, believe me I thought the same thing. And look here we are. So stop and think the next time you aren’t there for someone when they are grieving. It’s so true, what goes around comes around.

Autumn is upon me and with it comes lots of memories. Troy really enjoyed the season, and I do too, it’s just that I don’t like the season that comes after it. I’ve been melancholy the last couple of weeks, really missing him. Sometimes the memories all run together, like mini snapshots of my life. I’m glad that I have them to go to because I no longer recognize the country I grew up in. I’ve never seen so much hate and division as I do now. Even in families. I know if he were here right now, he would be able to sort it all out. He had a way of putting things in perspective for me. I saw a commercial today that made me realize just how fortunate I have been. It was a young widow with seven children. And she was saying she doesn’t have seven arms, and I thought to myself how fortunate that my husband was alive when our children were growing up. How difficult things must be for her, first the grief of losing her husband and then how to take care of seven small children. I was wishing I could give her a hug and tell her the grief is ever changing, it won’t always be the same. I wish I could ask her if there is anything I can do to lighten her load. I had Troy for 38 years, that’s a long time. We grew up together, we had a bond that some people never experience in their life. He knew me better than I know myself and vice versa. So when people diss me and act like I am some terrible person, I think to myself what Troy would say. He would say they are shallow and inconsiderate. In a world where you can be kind, why be anything else. People will eventually see what kind of person you really are, your true colors will emerge. People see how they were used, and how superficial feelings really are. And at that point there will be no more hiding. You will be exposed.

I am missing Troy a lot these days but I have some comfort in the fact that he is not here to see how relationships are and how mean people have become. He would be so disappointed I know, he used to make comments about things he saw in people we knew. He had a very good perception of what he thought peoples true intentions were and if they were putting on airs. He was right. He didn’t care what you believed in, he would still be your friend. My how things have changed. People often find themselves kicked to the curb like they are nothing. I’m so glad I am not that way, cause I truly believe in Karma. We should always love one another and support each other. Unfortunately it is no longer like it was in the 70’s, when it was all about love one another. There is so much hate and division now. It is so ugly, people are so ugly to one another. I am so thankful that I can carry on a conversation with others who believe differently than me. Unfortunately, that seems to be a rarity today.

Another year is half gone and I still haven’t managed to get my house ready to sell. But I am working on it, I am making some progress. The fact that I don’t feel welcome here anymore is helping to motivate me. Troy would want me to live where I feel comfortable and loved. He would want me to be happy, that was something he stressed right before he died. I’m 65 and I don’t know how much time I have left. Life is way too short to waste it. If you don’t want me in your life, so be it. People live in a bubble where they think everything they believe is the right way and they have no respect for those who feel differently. That is hateful and divisive. That’s ok if you want to be so selfish that you only think of yourself, I think truly good people accept others no matter what. And they never put on “airs”. So many people put on “airs”, and at some point you see the real person. People these days are so hateful and rude. I always forgive but I don’t forget. People need to be very sure before they cut people out of their life, cause it cuts deep. Sometimes you can’t undo the damage done to the relationship. Like I said I am not getting any younger and it is time to enjoy. We never get too old to learn, I’m still learning. We both worked so hard all our life and I want to enjoy some things. It’s unfortunate that he is not here to enjoy it with me. I worked two jobs for so many years and Troy worked his butt off so our children had the opportunity to enjoy things that made them happy. I spent the majority of my married years making sure everyone was doing what they loved and had everything they needed. I never stopped and checked on myself. That time has come. Some close friends have passed away this year and sadly it’s just a reminder of how fragile our life really is. We can be here today but gone tomorrow. Our lives can change in the blink of an eye. That happened to mine and Troy’s life one day. It was never the same. So shut me out of your life if you must, it’s your loss, not mine. I would never do that.

I’ve really been in a melancholy mood the last few days, I am really missing Troy. This time of year I always think about the vacations we took, the memories from them all jumbled together. Plus July was a month of transition for us, so many changes in the year 1995. We moved 1000 miles, I held my Dad’s hand for the last time, my brother had a heart attack and bypass surgery. Needless to say it was a crazy year, so this July I am feeling sad and the cloudy skies are not helping with my mood. The rain yesterday made me think of the first week we were living here in 1995, it was rainy that week and I was trying to clean the apartment we were in. I was learning my way around Plano, and it all seemed so foreign to me but now it’s home. I also need to remember that people come into our lives for specific reasons and they don’t always stay. Some stay longer than others, some leave to never return. There are some things that we cannot change no matter how hard we try, we just have to let it go. I know there are things happening right now that Troy would be sad about, but I can’t change them. If he were still here, things would be very different. But he’s not, and I know he would be thankful for Mel helping me with the house. He treats me right and never asks for anything in return. People don’t realize how hard it is losing someone and then having to do everything yourself. It’s nice when someone offers to help with no ulterior motives. I feel pretty much deserted. I could not do it all alone, its too large a task for a women my age. After Troy died, I slowly watched people drop off from my radar. And POOF! They were gone. Until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, reserve judgment. And I do believe in Karma, I believe that however you treat people will surely come back to you. Life is too short to be mad and bitter at people especially if they are different. Who says that you are more important than the next guy. You get back what you give to others. Cause once they are gone, that’s it. No going back to make things right. If someone doesn’t want to be around me when I’m alive, then don’t be coming around after I’m gone. Just try loving people for who they are and accepting them.

One more day until the horrific day that forever changed my life. Wish I could just skip over it. It will always remind me of the pain I felt that day and still feel. It’s ever changing but it is there. He was having so much difficulty breathing, I never could understand how he was doing ok with the meds and the next time I saw him he was gasping for air. Every breath was a struggle for him. What the hell happened? This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. He was supposed to get better and go home. How could this be happening??? I knew as I watched him struggle to breathe that the chances of him going home were pretty slim. But I do believe in miracles, I prayed for one but it didn’t happen. The longer he was on the ventilator I knew the chances of him going home weren’t very good. This was such a nightmare, one I wanted to wake up from. He had told Trey he wanted to talk to me but the next time I saw him he was on the ventilator, so I never knew what it was that he wanted to tell me. I wish I knew…….tomorrow I will finish telling this nightmare.

It’s getting so close to the June day of Troy’s death. This will be 7 years but sometimes it seems like yesterday. I remember the days before as if it were yesterday. The day after Father’s Day was the day Trey took him to the ER. I had an appointment of my own that morning so I was glad Trey was able to take him to the hospital. He couldn’t even hardly get out of his chair, I had to put his shoes on and help him get dressed. I’m sorry if I am repeating myself but I just keep playing it over and over in my head. I remember looking out the back door and seeing our pool which had been taken over by algae. It would only get worse as the week wore on. I always loved June cause it was the start of summer but it has left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I will never look at June the same again. Cause it was the month my life changed so much. We were supposed to be enjoying summer instead of watching our lives fall apart. This is the time of year when the days are so long and the smell of summer is in the air. Not supposed to look at your green pool and wonder if your husband is going to get better. I prayed a lot and I know others did too. He was supposed to be working on his yard and trying to figure out what was wrong with the pool. But instead he was fighting for his life. And like I said the pool kept getting greener and greener.