Jane is a Widow

Yesterday, September 22 was the 6 year anniversary our our last vacation together.  In the weeks leading up to it I kept asking Troy where he wanted to go, he finally said let’s go to the beach in Florida.  I think Troy knew this would be our last vacation together.  He had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for when we got back.  The doctor said everything looked okay on the x-ray he had done but he wanted to do a scope just in case there was something else going on.  Boy was he ever wrong.  The life changing diagnosis was about to hit us in the face.  Our lives would never be the same.  Troy was always to optimistic, I loved that about him.  It seemed to make up for all my pessimism.

We all went out again this year in remembrance of Troy’s birthday.  It left me feeling sad and depressed.  Maybe it is time to quit doing this remembrance.  It dredges up all the feelings and memories of the last week of his life.  This time of the year is difficult anyway cause we always went to Vegas in September and in 2013 we went to Florida for the last time.  The air always feels different when the seasons are changing.  I have so many memories of this time of year.  This is the time of year that I met John in 1974.  A lot of good memories but also painful ones.  I will always remember his birthday but maybe it’s time to move forward and remember it in a different way……

Today Troy would have been 68, but he is forever at 62.  It’s been five years and the wounds feel fresh like something disturbed the protective layer covering them.  Heard lots of music this past weekend that reminded me of him.  He would have loved the concert. There was a dragonfly buzzing around most of the afternoon.  I saw lots of couples there, so lucky to still have each other.  As time goes on, I am so thankful for the millions of memories we made.  Sure there were times that things weren’t perfect but the good sure outweighed any bad there was.  I think it would be a sad life to not have those memories to reflect on.  They are what keep us warm and give us comfort when we are lonely or sad.  He gave me so much during those 38 years of marriage.  One of the last things he said to me was that he loved me more now than ever.  So I know he left this world thankful for the life we had together.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 5 years since Troy passed.  Some days it feels like just yesterday and other days like an eternity.  Starting on Father’s Day I begin to relive the whole experience…..from when he first became extremely ill till his last breath.  It’s images that are forever ingrained in my mind.  Like a nightmare. There was nothing beautiful about that week, just sadness.  Sometimes I remember and think I was just floating through the air watching it all unfold before me.  Go to bed at night and wake up to the reality of what was happening.  Everything was in slow motion.  I just kept telling him that last day that it was okay to go we would be okay.  What a big lie that was.  I knew I wouldn’t be okay without him but I had to let him go.  I told him what a great husband and dad he was.  He was one of a kind.  I’m sure if he could have been smiling he would have.  He tried so hard to stay with us but it just was not meant to be.  It was his time to go.  And here I am 5 years later still trying to find myself.  I don’t know if I ever will.  If I could have him back in a minute, I surely would.

Today I have been overwhelmed by the sadness that enveloped me in June of 2014.  It all seems so surreal.  It was like I was floating through the days watching it all unfold and knowing what the end result was going to be.  I kept myself engrossed in work cause that was my escape from it all.  I am so thankful that Trey was there to carry on where I was unable to.  Maybe I thought keeping with my routine would ensure that it would all pass and everything would be just as it was.  But in five short days he would take his last breath……and my life would forever be changed.  I could see him getting closer and closer to that moment.  Everything had changed so drastically in the previous week.  He had been laughing and joking around and now I was standing there looking at him watching a machine breathe for him.  This man who loved life and people was slipping away from me, from all of us.  I felt responsible, like I did something wrong so he was being taken from me.

This week is full of triggers……Father’s Day being the start.  The week before Father’s Day Troy was feeling and looking pretty good.  The new chemo was working better and his tumor markers had improved.  I often find myself going over in my mind how things changed so fast.  On Father’s Day Trey said he noticed that he was acting different.  I didn’t notice but I think I was preoccupied with all that was going on and Jay had come for a visit.  Monday morning didn’t seem different to me but when I got home from work that night he was sleeping in the chair and he stayed there all night.  I remember waking several times during the night and hearing the tv so I knew he was still sitting in his chair.  The next morning he couldn’t even get up to get dressed.  I remember him asking me to call the doctor and ask them to call him in something.  Trey came over because he was going to go to the doctor’s appointment with him while I went to mine.  He couldn’t even get out to the car by himself.  And from there things just went downhill…..After they admitted him to the hospital for pneumonia and started the antibiotics he seemed to be doing better.  He was on oxygen but not as much as when he first arrived.  That night he sent me texts telling me how much he loved me and to tell the dogs good night from him.  He was saying how nice the nurses were.  He sounded good but something happened in the middle of the night that turned things all around.  I can still remember it all like it happened just yesterday.  Breathing became more and more difficult for him the next day or two.  The next step was to put him on a ventilator.  They actually said it would maybe help him get through the next couple of days while the antibiotics took effect.  I need to take a break here……I just get so emotional when I think about it all.  I know he wouldn’t want me to get upset.  He would want me to be smiling.  Just like he always did.  He was smiling through it all.  God how I miss him.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.  Doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about him or our life together.  Today old memories are poking at me.  I think it’s the time of the year.  He loved the spring.  He would be planning our garden.  The time trials in Indy were about the same time we would be thinking about what to grow in our garden.  The tulips would be blooming alongside the house, and the crab apple tree would be beautiful as always.  I miss those days, it’s almost like I can touch them but they are just out of my reach.  In just a matter of weeks the fair would be on in Middletown.  That was the highlight of our summer growing up.  The one thing we all looked forward to.  I could sit on the steps of our house growing up and listen to all the sounds coming from the rides.  That’s where I first saw Troy when I was 16.  I was with some friends and we passed him.  I wanted so much to meet him.  I eventually did and the rest is history.  That seems so long ago, I guess it was.  I love my memories.  They take me back to a time when everything wasn’t so complicated.  I miss walking the streets of that little town and having all the guys honk at you.  Meeting everyone at the park and standing around talking and laughing.  I didn’t realize that those were the best times.  I find so much comfort in my memories…….

Yesterday would have been our 43rd wedding anniversary.  I spent the day reflecting on what my day was like on that Saturday forty three years ago.  How happy I was, I felt like I was the happiest girl in the world, sure didn’t think that sometime down the road I would be going solo.  No one ever tells you about that when you get married, they don’t tell you that it’s not always going to be this way.  But we are all on borrowed time.  Nothing lasts forever.  It’s hard to believe that it will be five years this June.  It doesn’t feel like its been that long, it seems like yesterday.  Like everything is frozen in time.  So I just inch forward a little each day.  Happy Anniversary, Troy!

Was thinking about Troy last night and today.  He always got me a card for Valentine’s Day and either some candy or a present.  I still have the card that was attached to the flowers he sent me the first Valentine’s Day after we married.  1977 was the year. They were red roses sent to where I worked, Ball Corporation.  They were beautiful.  He always remembered to get the kids something for Valentines Day too.  I’m really missing him today, some days it just knocks the wind out of me.  It takes so much effort sometimes to keep moving forward.  But he would want me to.  He would not want me to be sad…..he would want me to keep moving forward and when I look back to smile on all the memories we made.  They are mine forever and priceless.

I am so glad the holidays are over.  No matter how hard I try they are just not the same without Troy.  He loved Christmas and always shopping at the last minute.  And he always came up with the best gifts.  You could tell he put a lot of thought into what he bought.  They were unique gifts.  I sometimes wondered how he came up with some of them.  Christmas was always hard for me.  My childhood memories of Christmas aren’t very good.  But Troy made up for all of that, so without him I find myself sinking back in that depressing mood from years gone by.  I know he would be upset with me for moping around.  But he’s not here to make it all right.  He always knew the right thing to do or say.  He always made it all right.  He knew me so very well.   I guess spending all those years with me he could read me so very well.  I think I need to be somewhere else when the holidays roll around next year.  Maybe somewhere warm and beautiful.  I said that same thing last year and I didn’t go anywhere this year.  I’m finding the more I stay at home the more I want to stay at home.  That’s probably not a good thing.  I need to work on that……