Jane is a Widow

Remembering the two men in my life who helped shape me into the person I am today. My late father and husband. They both played important roles in my life. I miss them both in different ways. My father’s guidance was so important. He was a man who never really showed emotions but I felt his love. He taught me so much, I still have things I would like to ask him. He was a soldier in WWII and was wounded. He never talked about his service until later in life. I so cherish those stories he told me. I admired him so much for he had to give up so much to serve his country. And he never complained and he never asked for help. My husband on the other hand shaped me in other ways. We grew up together. I loved him from the moment I met him. He stole my heart. I was 16 when I first laid eyes on him. My life would never be the same. Through the years we went through many trying times but always came out stronger. I have so many wonderful memories and woven in between them are the times our life wasn’t easy. But that’s what it is all about. Coming through the tough times together. He was such an optimist which made up for me being a pessimist. He was always smiling even through all the chemo and radiation. He never complained. He loved being a father. That was his number one job. And he was the best, our kids couldn’t have had a better father. He was completely devoted to Trey and Ashley. It brings tears to my eyes that he’s no longer here to share in our lives. On his deathbed he apologized to me for not being more romantic through the years. But that’s ok, I could have been different too. He sent me a text a couple of days before he was put on the ventilator and said he “loved me more than ever.” “He said the nurses are the best I’ve ever had.“ Just like he always was, thinking of others. I could write a book about Troy and there would still be more to say. I held the hand of both my father and husband as they left this earth. Told them both how much I loved them. I’m confident they both heard me, anyway I sure hope they did.

The day is approaching, the day my life changed forever. The memory of that day is etched in my mind. It’s like it was yesterday. I see it much clearer as years pass. The sadness never leaves. I’ve changed so much, I’m not the same person I was on that day. I had to change in order to survive it. I had to move forward and continue to do so. There are those who don’t understand me. They haven’t been through what I have. They will understand when it happens to them. There is no escaping it. It’s inevitable. I never thought it would happen to me but it did. It’s not a situation that you can control. You have no power to stop it. And at the time you can’t believe it’s happening but it is. All you can do is hang on and try to move forward. It will consume you if you let it, but you mustn’t. Grief is ever changing. Just grab hold and hang on. I thought Troy was going to make it, the meds were working and he was finally moved to a room. The doctor said he should be able to go home in a few days. I was not prepared for what followed but then how do you prepare yourself to lose the person whose been in your life since you were 16. Your other half. You can’t, you just watch everything happening and you can’t stop the ride and get off.

This Sunday is Father’s Day. I always associate the day with Troy, that was when he start acting different. He tried to work on the pool that morning but it was difficult for him. I felt so bad for him. It would have been nice if someone that knew about pools would have helped him. Trey and his friend Jay came over and we grilled. I am so glad Jay came over cause that would be the last time he saw Troy. And Troy loved sitting there with both of them and watching sports. I remember he slept in the chair all night, he never got up. And in the morning when I told him he needed to get ready for his doctor appointment he told me to call them and tell them he didn’t feel like going. That was when they told me to get him to the emergency room. I had to help him dress and put his shoes on. I went onto my doctors appointment and Trey got him to the hospital. He was so weak, I just hate what all that cancer and chemo did to him. Makes me so sad. They admitted him to the hospital and sad to say he never came home. So Father’s Day is kind of a downer to me.

I was thinking back to the last time I saw my Dad. My aunt had a Worley reunion at her house the summer of ’95. It was right before we moved to Texas. It was the last time I got together with some of my relatives that I would never see again. It was the last time I saw my cousin Nancy, my Uncle Herschel, my Aunt Mary Lou, and my uncle Conley. They all passed away sometime after the reunion. And since that time we lost Aunt Beulah, Aunt Allie, my mother Marga, my father Bill, and my Aunt Flonnie. We all met for breakfast the following morning. I remember my Uncle Conley doing his normal jokes, I loved his sense of humor. He looked so much like my Dad. He was such a good man. I miss my Dad. He was a man of few words but I always listened to what he said. I had so much respect for him. I may have not agreed with everything he said, I still respected him.

I often think about how different things were then compared to now. I had so much respect for my in-laws that I would have never disrespected them for anything. I loved them. No matter how different we believed I still loved and respected them. That’s not how it is nowadays. I feel so much hate from people now, I never felt hate back then. Nowadays you are shunned if you believe differently than someone else. I’m glad I’m not like that. Let people believe what they want and still love them. Don’t push them off into the corner and act as if they don’t exist, because they do. The 70’s were so full of love and peace. Wish it were that way now. We all helped each other and we didn’t care what political party you belonged to.

So this Father’s Day I will be thinking about Troy and my Dad, and my Father-in-law. Wishing they were here. Thanking them for all the wonderful memories. Wishing things now were peaceful and loving. Be kind to someone, lend them a hand and wish them a wonderful day. Stop hating those who believe differently than you. We are all in this together.

April 24th would have been our 45th wedding anniversary……really hard to believe that it was all so long ago but everything stopped at our 38th. I will forever remember that day, it is etched in my mind. I went to work on the 23rd but had to leave because I couldn’t stop sneezing. I am sure it was some kind of nervous reaction to what was going to take place on the 24th. We had the rehearsal dinner at Red Lobster the evening of the 23rd. It was a fun evening. After our wedding we drove through Middletown blowing the horn and getting rid of all the feathers in the car. One of Troy’s friends had put a feather pillow in our car and cut it open so there were feathers everywhere. I was still finding feathers the next year in there, haha. It was such a simple wedding, all of that wasn’t important to me. That I was getting to marry the man of my dreams was all that mattered. I remember Troy’s Mom teasing and saying they would come down to the lake in a few days to celebrate with us. I kept thinking oh my if she shows up for my honeymoon, I’ll die. As I look back on my life, there are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had traveled and finished my degree before I got married. Troy did a lot of traveling with his friends but I had really done zero traveling. It always seemed like I was doing what someone else wanted me to do not what I wanted to do. I worked two jobs most of the time after we moved to Texas and cheated myself out of many weekends to relax and enjoy. It’s funny how life works things out for you. When Troy was sick I was working all the time and ironically he’s no longer here and I am only working part time. And as you get older you realize that all that other noise is unimportant. It really doesn’t matter. And you find that some of the choices you made you regret later but you can’t go back and redo. Try to do others right cause you may not get a second chance.

Yesterday was my mother-in-laws heavenly birthday. I miss her all the time, she was such a sweet, giving person who really never thought of herself. She was just so happy to be around me and Troy, and the kids. That’s what made her the happiest. Every Sunday she would come up to our house in Muncie after her church service, and she would send Troy to get a big bucket of fried chicken and we would all have dinner together. She loved doing that so much. I miss having people like that in my life. They just love you no matter what, they don’t care what political party you belong to or what your favorite food is or what your hobbies are. They love you just for being you. I was sad all day, I just kept thinking of her and how wonderful everything was when we used to all get together. I miss that so much. They would be getting ready to leave for Lake Cumberland about this time of year, and we would go down for a three day weekend every now and then. I am so glad I have those memories. They bring me comfort, I am so glad I had people like her in my life that gave me so much love. I saw something interesting today, it rang so true. It said, “In life, you will fall out with people that you never thought you would. Get betrayed by people you trusted with all of your heart. And get used by people you would do anything for.” Kind of takes your breath away.

know now. That’s our favorite fantasy, going back in time knowing what we know now. There are a lot of changes I would make in the hopes that things would be different at this point. This time of the year in 1976 I was planning my small wedding. It was just going to be at a small country church and I wasn’t going to invite too many people. My mom wanted nothing to do with helping me plan things out. I shopped for my dress, ordered my cake, talked to the minister and did all those little small things. I ordered matches with our date and names on the cover. Of course they printed them as Tony and Jane, so for a long time the newspaper office was passing out matches with Tony and Jane on them. We got our blood tests done at my family doctor, and of course they came back as Tony and Jane so we had to have them done over. We almost did make the cutoff. Wonder if those were omens? They didn’t scare me off, I was in love with Troy no matter what. I still am. I always will be. There are things I wish we had done differently. I wish I hadn’t worked two jobs for so long, even working weekends. But I was trying to help out financially. I wish he hadn’t worked those long hours at EDS, sometimes days in a row with no sleep, only to be booted out the door. When we are doing those things, we don’t realize the price of some of it. I mean, he’s not here with me right now, by my side. And he’s supposed to be. He wasn’t suppose to leave me all alone. But he did. I wish he hadn’t.

2021 is another year of awakening for me. I miss Troy every day. He was my rock. Things are changing so much. I remember my father-in-law telling me all the time to remember you can only count on yourself. He was a gruff man with a big heart. He would give you his last dime if you needed it. I loved that man and was so glad I got to tell him that and give him a big hug the day before he died. He had a sad life growing up and I believe that’s what made him so gruff. After his Dad died his mother got remarried and her husband told her she couldn’t keep the two oldest children just the young girl. So began his life of being passed around to whomever would let him stay with them. He loved Troy so much. He was always there for him. And he respected both of us and never said anything negative about any of our decisions. Troy told me that his Dad never talked about the time he hit a man with his car and he died. 2021 is starting to be an eye opening year for me. I’m 65 I should know by now that things aren’t always how they seem. When Troy died my life changed so drastically. One never knows until they go through it. I am still adapting to him not being in my life physically . But everyday he’s in the decisions I make and how I move forward. Things I learned from him will guide me on how to get through what’s going on in my life. I’ve learned a lot this year and going forward I will have to adapt to changes in my life. I miss those who were there for me no matter what. They loved me for who I was not what they thought I should be. They helped make me who I am today.

Its almost Christmas and you’re not here. It doesn’t get easier each year just different. I think of Christmas past and I have so many wonderful memories. I miss your Mom, Dad and my Dad. All those little things they did every year. I miss the kids being little and watching their faces Christmas morning. Thank you for all those wonderful memories. They comfort me. I realize how lucky I was to have such a wonderful family. A lot of people never experience what we were blessed with. I still get mad sometimes and ask why we will never experience sharing our golden years together. I see couples and realize how blessed they are to have each other. Your shoes still sit by your chair. I just can’t part with them. Maybe someday I will. Just know that I wish you were here. And even though you aren’t, in my mind and heart you are. And you always will be. Merry Christmas Troy, thanks for the memories. They are the best present in the world.

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep. Lot of things on my mind. I’m saddened by what I feel like is a lack of respect because I see things differently than someone else. Troy liked everyone and always showed them respect no matter how differently they felt about things. It’s a long, hard journey learning to live without him. People who haven’t been through it haven’t a clue. It’s hard to find your way. God has always been there guiding me along the way. I’ve friended many on this journey who are also trying to find their way through the fog. And we all come from different walks of life. It’s unfortunate when someone in your family shuns you because they think you should believe the way they do or they don’t like someone in your life. I always show respect to those who see things differently than I do. We are all different and that’s what makes the United States what it is. No one is going to tell me who my friends can be or that what I believe in makes me a bad person. It’s a reflection on them not me. So the next time you think about shutting someone out because they see things differently, think again. What does that say about you as a person. I’m so glad I don’t do that. I have many friends that come from all walks of life and I’m thankful for them all. Try it sometime, it will enrich your life.

This week is such a hard week beginning with Father’s Day.  That was the day Troy started showing signs of being sicker than he had been.  That Monday he was admitted to the hospital and he would never leave.  I remember him standing in the kitchen crying and saying “it is what is is”.  I begged him not to leave me here alone but I know it was not his choice.  I can’t believe how much my life has changed and if you haven’t lost a spouse then you have no idea what I am talking about.  But one day, you will.  It’s unavoidable.  I read a story from another widow today and was so saddened by her words, they were so true.  She had caught women who she thought were her friends talking about her behind her back.  They said they were so tired of her talking about her dead husband, how sad. She needs those friends to be understanding and hold her up.  She said they are evidently not her friends like she thought they were.  And she said the one person who would understand her was dead.  Aren’t we women supposed to build each other up instead of tearing each other down?  In recent days, I have been labeled racist and lacking in character because I don’t believe in all the destruction.   Really? If you call me those things, you really don’t know me at all.  As Americans aren’t we entitled to our individual beliefs without being called names.  That’s one of the things my father fought for in WWII.  Our continued right to be who we are and to respect other’s rights also.  That’s one of the great things about the United States, we have these freedoms and though I may disagree with what you believe in, I respect your right.  People are so disappointing.  People that said I could count on them have turned on me and never looked back.  The one person I could count on is gone, he loved me no matter what.  He loved me for me, not because he had an agenda and not because I felt the way he did about everything.  We were very different in may ways.  No one knows what life I led from the sleepy little town of Middletown, yet they choose to judge me.  It’s been 6 years since Troy passed and some days I feel his loss so deeply.  I know what he would be saying right now.  He would say they don’t know what they are talking about.  So I feel him pushing me along and not to give up.  I know who I am and even though you may think you know me, maybe you really don’t.  I think we should all try a little love instead of hate and quit labeling people because they have different views than we do, it doesn’t make them bad just different. We are all in this together. To make things better for everyone, we need to be together to rise above all the hate and anger.  To reach out your hand and say I’m here.