Jane is a Widow

April 24th would have been our 45th wedding anniversary……really hard to believe that it was all so long ago but everything stopped at our 38th. I will forever remember that day, it is etched in my mind. I went to work on the 23rd but had to leave because I couldn’t stop sneezing. I am sure it was some kind of nervous reaction to what was going to take place on the 24th. We had the rehearsal dinner at Red Lobster the evening of the 23rd. It was a fun evening. After our wedding we drove through Middletown blowing the horn and getting rid of all the feathers in the car. One of Troy’s friends had put a feather pillow in our car and cut it open so there were feathers everywhere. I was still finding feathers the next year in there, haha. It was such a simple wedding, all of that wasn’t important to me. That I was getting to marry the man of my dreams was all that mattered. I remember Troy’s Mom teasing and saying they would come down to the lake in a few days to celebrate with us. I kept thinking oh my if she shows up for my honeymoon, I’ll die. As I look back on my life, there are so many things I wish I had done differently. I wish I had traveled and finished my degree before I got married. Troy did a lot of traveling with his friends but I had really done zero traveling. It always seemed like I was doing what someone else wanted me to do not what I wanted to do. I worked two jobs most of the time after we moved to Texas and cheated myself out of many weekends to relax and enjoy. It’s funny how life works things out for you. When Troy was sick I was working all the time and ironically he’s no longer here and I am only working part time. And as you get older you realize that all that other noise is unimportant. It really doesn’t matter. And you find that some of the choices you made you regret later but you can’t go back and redo. Try to do others right cause you may not get a second chance.

Yesterday was my mother-in-laws heavenly birthday. I miss her all the time, she was such a sweet, giving person who really never thought of herself. She was just so happy to be around me and Troy, and the kids. That’s what made her the happiest. Every Sunday she would come up to our house in Muncie after her church service, and she would send Troy to get a big bucket of fried chicken and we would all have dinner together. She loved doing that so much. I miss having people like that in my life. They just love you no matter what, they don’t care what political party you belong to or what your favorite food is or what your hobbies are. They love you just for being you. I was sad all day, I just kept thinking of her and how wonderful everything was when we used to all get together. I miss that so much. They would be getting ready to leave for Lake Cumberland about this time of year, and we would go down for a three day weekend every now and then. I am so glad I have those memories. They bring me comfort, I am so glad I had people like her in my life that gave me so much love. I saw something interesting today, it rang so true. It said, “In life, you will fall out with people that you never thought you would. Get betrayed by people you trusted with all of your heart. And get used by people you would do anything for.” Kind of takes your breath away.

know now. That’s our favorite fantasy, going back in time knowing what we know now. There are a lot of changes I would make in the hopes that things would be different at this point. This time of the year in 1976 I was planning my small wedding. It was just going to be at a small country church and I wasn’t going to invite too many people. My mom wanted nothing to do with helping me plan things out. I shopped for my dress, ordered my cake, talked to the minister and did all those little small things. I ordered matches with our date and names on the cover. Of course they printed them as Tony and Jane, so for a long time the newspaper office was passing out matches with Tony and Jane on them. We got our blood tests done at my family doctor, and of course they came back as Tony and Jane so we had to have them done over. We almost did make the cutoff. Wonder if those were omens? They didn’t scare me off, I was in love with Troy no matter what. I still am. I always will be. There are things I wish we had done differently. I wish I hadn’t worked two jobs for so long, even working weekends. But I was trying to help out financially. I wish he hadn’t worked those long hours at EDS, sometimes days in a row with no sleep, only to be booted out the door. When we are doing those things, we don’t realize the price of some of it. I mean, he’s not here with me right now, by my side. And he’s supposed to be. He wasn’t suppose to leave me all alone. But he did. I wish he hadn’t.

2021 is another year of awakening for me. I miss Troy every day. He was my rock. Things are changing so much. I remember my father-in-law telling me all the time to remember you can only count on yourself. He was a gruff man with a big heart. He would give you his last dime if you needed it. I loved that man and was so glad I got to tell him that and give him a big hug the day before he died. He had a sad life growing up and I believe that’s what made him so gruff. After his Dad died his mother got remarried and her husband told her she couldn’t keep the two oldest children just the young girl. So began his life of being passed around to whomever would let him stay with them. He loved Troy so much. He was always there for him. And he respected both of us and never said anything negative about any of our decisions. Troy told me that his Dad never talked about the time he hit a man with his car and he died. 2021 is starting to be an eye opening year for me. I’m 65 I should know by now that things aren’t always how they seem. When Troy died my life changed so drastically. One never knows until they go through it. I am still adapting to him not being in my life physically . But everyday he’s in the decisions I make and how I move forward. Things I learned from him will guide me on how to get through what’s going on in my life. I’ve learned a lot this year and going forward I will have to adapt to changes in my life. I miss those who were there for me no matter what. They loved me for who I was not what they thought I should be. They helped make me who I am today.

Its almost Christmas and you’re not here. It doesn’t get easier each year just different. I think of Christmas past and I have so many wonderful memories. I miss your Mom, Dad and my Dad. All those little things they did every year. I miss the kids being little and watching their faces Christmas morning. Thank you for all those wonderful memories. They comfort me. I realize how lucky I was to have such a wonderful family. A lot of people never experience what we were blessed with. I still get mad sometimes and ask why we will never experience sharing our golden years together. I see couples and realize how blessed they are to have each other. Your shoes still sit by your chair. I just can’t part with them. Maybe someday I will. Just know that I wish you were here. And even though you aren’t, in my mind and heart you are. And you always will be. Merry Christmas Troy, thanks for the memories. They are the best present in the world.

It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep. Lot of things on my mind. I’m saddened by what I feel like is a lack of respect because I see things differently than someone else. Troy liked everyone and always showed them respect no matter how differently they felt about things. It’s a long, hard journey learning to live without him. People who haven’t been through it haven’t a clue. It’s hard to find your way. God has always been there guiding me along the way. I’ve friended many on this journey who are also trying to find their way through the fog. And we all come from different walks of life. It’s unfortunate when someone in your family shuns you because they think you should believe the way they do or they don’t like someone in your life. I always show respect to those who see things differently than I do. We are all different and that’s what makes the United States what it is. No one is going to tell me who my friends can be or that what I believe in makes me a bad person. It’s a reflection on them not me. So the next time you think about shutting someone out because they see things differently, think again. What does that say about you as a person. I’m so glad I don’t do that. I have many friends that come from all walks of life and I’m thankful for them all. Try it sometime, it will enrich your life.

This week is such a hard week beginning with Father’s Day.  That was the day Troy started showing signs of being sicker than he had been.  That Monday he was admitted to the hospital and he would never leave.  I remember him standing in the kitchen crying and saying “it is what is is”.  I begged him not to leave me here alone but I know it was not his choice.  I can’t believe how much my life has changed and if you haven’t lost a spouse then you have no idea what I am talking about.  But one day, you will.  It’s unavoidable.  I read a story from another widow today and was so saddened by her words, they were so true.  She had caught women who she thought were her friends talking about her behind her back.  They said they were so tired of her talking about her dead husband, how sad. She needs those friends to be understanding and hold her up.  She said they are evidently not her friends like she thought they were.  And she said the one person who would understand her was dead.  Aren’t we women supposed to build each other up instead of tearing each other down?  In recent days, I have been labeled racist and lacking in character because I don’t believe in all the destruction.   Really? If you call me those things, you really don’t know me at all.  As Americans aren’t we entitled to our individual beliefs without being called names.  That’s one of the things my father fought for in WWII.  Our continued right to be who we are and to respect other’s rights also.  That’s one of the great things about the United States, we have these freedoms and though I may disagree with what you believe in, I respect your right.  People are so disappointing.  People that said I could count on them have turned on me and never looked back.  The one person I could count on is gone, he loved me no matter what.  He loved me for me, not because he had an agenda and not because I felt the way he did about everything.  We were very different in may ways.  No one knows what life I led from the sleepy little town of Middletown, yet they choose to judge me.  It’s been 6 years since Troy passed and some days I feel his loss so deeply.  I know what he would be saying right now.  He would say they don’t know what they are talking about.  So I feel him pushing me along and not to give up.  I know who I am and even though you may think you know me, maybe you really don’t.  I think we should all try a little love instead of hate and quit labeling people because they have different views than we do, it doesn’t make them bad just different. We are all in this together. To make things better for everyone, we need to be together to rise above all the hate and anger.  To reach out your hand and say I’m here.

Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. When I got up this morning I remembered that 44 years ago at 2 pm I would become Troys wife. It was like a fairytale to me. Almost had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Marrying the man of my dreams. I loved hm so much, from the first time I met him. Such a wonderful memory. Hope I always remember it. It doesn’t get easier each year, just different. I will always love hm, this I know. He lives in my heart. Happy Anniversary Troy.

I think spring is almost here.  Makes me think of Troy and how he would be planning his garden.   I’m still at a loss about Dr. Crates.  He was my doctor for 20 years so its hard for me to contemplate another doctor dealing with my RSD.  But I have to find someone to replace him.  I thought he would always be around to take care of my leg.  I am kind of at a loss right now.  Need to start making decisions and sticking with them.  Sometimes I’m all over the place.  I guess I am still finding myself.  I think the real me was buried for many years.  I just keep uncovering layers of myself.

I received a letter on Monday that Dr. Crates had passed away on December 28.  I am so saddened by this news.  He became my orthopedic doctor in 2000.  He found the tumor, removed it and most importantly fix the gaping hole in my leg.  If not for him, I would have lost my lower leg.  He had no idea what he was getting himself into when he did my first surgery.  But he never gave up and finally was able to resolve the issue.  There is no way I can replace him.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  For twenty years he had been my pain management doctor and he completely understood what I was dealing with.  He was only 54, so young.  And he leaves behind 3 girls and a wife.  I can sure understand the sadness his wife is experiencing.  There are really no adequate words to convey my sorrow.  It still seems unreal.  I was in the office on December 16 and he wasn’t there but I was looking forward to seeing him in March.  There are ways people touch our lives and we don’t really realize how deep until  they are gone.  I know I will always miss him. If something should go wrong with my ankle, I know I will wish he were around to fix it.  You were an amazing doctor and person, John Crates, may you rest in peace.