scattered…….

Sometimes my thoughts are as scattered as my clothes…….After Troy died I found myself putting my clothes in small stacks throughout my house.  Just scattered here and there.  That is how my life seems now.  Just scattered here and there.  I don’t really know where I belong.  Where do I fit in?  I hope someday to figure it all out.  And I hope someday for my life and thoughts to not be scattered.

more sadness….

The sky is so dark, sometimes like my thoughts.  When I awaken every morning there is a sadness I am overcome with.  Maybe it’s the loneliness. Jude and Lucy and now Sailor Blue force me to get up and start my day.  Without them I am afraid I would just let the sadness consume me.  They need me just as much as I need them.  We are a team.  It’s the start of spring.  Troy loved this time of year.  He would be thinking about planting his garden.  He loved gardening.  I remember one year he made copies of a video on how to grow tomatoes in Texas for co-workers.  He liked it when he could help someone else.  He was always thinking of others.  I wish he could help me now.  Help me to go on with my life, to get up and enjoy things like he did.  But I just get so lonely and sad without him.  When I look at the other widows who are way younger than me, I think to myself that I should be so thankful for the 42 years we had together.   He helped me raise our children, they had a great Dad.  I was so blessed in that way.  Some do not even have that.  They are left alone to raise their children by themselves.  Our children have all the wonderful memories of a great Dad who loved them so very much.  I must say that I now know how my mother felt when my Dad died.  I had no idea of the emptiness, loneliness and sadness.  I do now.  Until you have walked it in your shoes you have no idea.  Losing a spouse is nothing like losing a parent.  I am now the age Troy was when he died.  I think about that.

sadness…..

Last weekend I read some writings done by another widow.  I was touched by her words and feelings conveyed by those words.  She is just 8 months into this widow journey and here I am almost 4 years into it and I wonder if I will always be this sad.  I guess I really thought over time I would start to feel better and not miss Troy so much but that isn’t true.  I see him everywhere, he is constantly in my thoughts, all the millions of memories we made together.  All the memories interwoven in my mind, I am so thankful for them.  The good times, the not so good times, they are me.  He helped shape me into who I am today.  He will always be a part of me.  I just wish the sadness and loneliness wasn’t there.  When I married him, I sure didn’t think that one day I would have to say goodbye to him and go it alone.  I remember standing in the kitchen hugging him, asking him to please not leave me here all alone.  I saw tears in his eyes.  He didn’t want to leave.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now.  Just thinking about him and his absence does that to me.  I am so much more emotional now than I ever was.  I feel things so deeply.  Everything touches me to my core now.  He isn’t physically here yet I see him everywhere.  His work shoes still sit by his chair.  He influences every decision I make.  He lives in my heart and mind.  He’s just a thought away.  I wish I could touch him, feel his skin, hear his voice, his laugh.  I look around the garage and I am angry sometimes for all that he left me with.  His things are everywhere.  Not necessarily things he needed, but maybe just things he wanted.  I feel so frustrated sometimes.  What to do with it all, and he’s not here to help me.  To guide me, to tell me what to do with it all.