Author: janep38

Barb today, she was in my wedding all those years ago. I sent her a picture, she said we looked so young, we did because we were. It’s nice connecting with friends from way back when. I’m getting ready to part with some of Troy’s things, such as a desk he re-finished, his mother’s cedar chest. I can’t take it all with me when I move, so it’s best to part with it now. There are memories attached to all of it, there always is. Memories are what makes us who we are, they shaped us. So I guess I will say goodbye to all those items from my past, but will keep the memories of them tucked away….

an old friend yesterday, sitting on a shelf gathering dust. I decided to put it back to use. After Troy passed, I started a journal. It was ever so helpful in my grief journey. Unless you have made this trek you know nothing about all the turmoil one suffers. You can’t begin to know unless you’ve walked in those shoes. So I’ve decided my journal helped me so much I want to continue sharing all that I’m feeling. At my age, I never know when my last day on this earth will be and if after my passing my journal offers understanding into what I experienced than it was worth taking the time to share. I want others to hopefully understand the pain I experienced when Troy passed but also the other pains I experienced as a result of his death. Losing Troy wasn’t the only thing I lost, it was just the beginning. Unfortunately you lose things and people you never thought you would. So onward with the renewal of my journal…….

I held my fathers hand as he took his last breath. I miss him so much. July 1995 was a very eventful month for our family. Troy had just started his new job at EDS on July 5th and we were living in an apartment that EDS had put us in. My brother and his family were on vacation and we were going to their house every day to take care of their dogs. I looked at their phone when we got there and there was a message from my parents neighbor that my Dad had a major stroke and was in the hospital. It was July 20 and they were due home from vacation that evening so we stayed at the house until they got home to give them the news. The next day EDS said they would fly me, my brother and his wife to Indiana to see my Dad. Troy would come up later with the kids. He was on life support when we got there and he started crying and pointing at the respirator. He wanted it taken off, so they did remove it. He lived until the 23rd. I was right there beside him holding his hand when he took his final breath. I was so thankful that I got to see him before he passed. He knew I was there, that was important to me too. I will miss you Dad forever…..

Troy today and how we never got to do all the things we wanted to. Makes me sad. He wanted to move somewhere where he could fish, he missed his fishing. So did I. But I guess that wasn’t in the plan. Life threw us a big surprise that would change everything. Don’t ever think you’ve got it all planned out cause life will throw you a big curve ball and show you exactly how it is and how it’s going to be…..

Through old cards and mementos. Troy was really good at getting the best cards, sometimes funny, sometimes serious. He was that way buying gifts too. He always came up with the best gifts. One Christmas we bought each other the same Starbucks coffee cup, that gave us a good laugh. His cards all say I Love You on them and I believe he did. He was a man of few words but he always meant what he said. I’m sure our daughter loves me too cause she’s always telling me she does….mementos always bring up feelings that we keep tucked in our heart…..sometimes good memories sometimes bad.

Cards and messages from the past. They were in a box and they were from years ago. Birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day cards. They all had the same message, a message of love which always makes us feel warm inside. Makes us feel appreciated and loved. But now many years later I see that those words weren’t really true, cause if they had been true then they would be true today. You don’t just stop loving someone unless you really never loved them to begin with. Unfortunately we all hurt people but that doesn’t make us stop loving them. We are all human and we make mistakes, say hurtful things but we still have love. It’s painful to see the written words I love you from someone that no longer feels that way about you but did in the past…did you really love me or were they just words.

at 5:23 pm, Troy took his last breath. It was all so surreal, hard to believe that he was gone. I had been talking to him the whole time and he kept trying to open his eyes but he couldn’t. As I walked out of the hospital it seemed so surreal to me. Like I was out looking in, that it was all a bad dream. Unfortunately it wasn’t. My life as I remembered it was no longer there. Everything had changed. I remember my mother telling me that she sat on her couch for 6 months after my father died. She was so lost, I also found myself lost. What do I do, where do I go? You wonder how you will survive without them. It’s not easy that’s for sure. You suddenly find yourself in charge of everything, things you know nothing about. I remember he had been having trouble with algae in the pool, when I came home from the hospital I could not believe how bad the pool looked and how I knew nothing about taking care of it. I had told my brother who also had a pool, I thought maybe he would help me but he didn’t. He was nowhere to be found, neither was my sister in law. They distanced themselves from me, Troy would not be happy about that. Slowly I started finding people to help me with different things going on. God was the one who saw me through it all and he is still there cheering me on. If you have lost a spouse, don’t give up on yourself. You can do it, it’s a hard journey but believe in yourself that you can do it because I know you can….I did

To Troy’s death anniversary. It’s a painful time for me, changes every year. Grief for the loss of a spouse is ever changing. The pain is still there. I think back to the many changes during our marriage and how we made it through all the pain together. Now I’m on my own. It’s so hard…..