Jane is a Widow

October is the most colorful month in Indiana, I miss all those pretty leaves that fall in the autumn. October was also a month of losses for me. In 2015 on October 3 I lost my favorite aunt who treated me like a daughter. She used to say I don’t have any children so I’ll just call you my daughter. I miss her, we talked weekly and wrote letters back and forth. The last time Troy and I visited her she was showing signs of dementia. She slowly lost her sense of who she was. It was sad to watch. No more phone calls, no more letters. I was always trying to get her to move down here, I always told her that we had a room just for her. But she had lived most of her life in Indiana, and she didn’t want to leave. I have wonderful memories of her. Then in October of 2017 I lost my Sadie, she and Lucy kept me going after Troy died. If it hadn’t been for them I wouldn’t have made it. They barked at me to get up every morning. I just lost Lucy in December 2023. They will never be forgotten, they were there for me no matter what. Don’t always think you can count on people, cause you can’t. They let you down every time. And sometimes you think you really no someone but you really don’t. Even someone you lived with the majority of your life. Don’t count on anyone. You’ll just get hurt…..

people to start being kinder to each other and stop spewing the hate. I was thinking about Troy, how he always liked everyone. He didn’t care what political party they were or how they believed. He liked them for being kind, he was kind and that was what he expected of others. I think back to growing up and I wonder how we got to this point, so much hate. The 70’s were all about love and I wish so much we could do that again. Join hands no matter what your belief, just show each other love. Let’s try it…..

a letter I received in 2022. I shared it with my good friend and she said if I were you I would share this letter with everyone you know. Send it to all of your family, all of your friends. Share it with Troy’s family too and all the people he used to work with. She said put it out there everywhere. I’m friends with a lot of his classmates. I think I may take her up on her advice……She was really good friends with Troy and me.

birthday Troy. Hard to believe you would be 74 today. We would be going out to our favorite Mexican restaurant El Matador. I miss going there, but then again there are a lot of things I miss. Little things happen that cause one of many million memories to come to mind. I’ll never run out of memories that’s for sure. And that’s a good thing, we need our memories to keep our heart alive. They give us comfort when needed, they make us laugh and sometimes they makes us sad but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I just came across a picture of you and Sadie in the pool, I hope her and Lucy are keeping you company. Give them a hug from me, and save me a seat. Love you…..

look at some RV’s this week. I have a widowed friend who got remarried and sold her house and is traveling in a RV now. Looks like a lot of fun. I’ve had several people interested in buying my house. This is just another opportunity to look at. I really want to take a trip up north to visit some friends. I talked with Thea Ann tonight and we had some good laughs about our days at church camp. Those were the good old days we just didn’t realize it. It’s fun to look back on good old days. A thought just came to mind, Troy loved me just the way I am, so why would I ever want to change…..

Troy’s birthday, that’s when a lot of memories come to mind. His Mom and
Dad would take us to Red Lobster for his birthday. His Dad loved seafood. That’s why their freezer was always full of crappie and blue gill that they caught at Lake Cumberland. His Mom fried the best fish. I miss her fried chicken, dumplings, and fried fish. Nobody could fry chicken like she did, it was the best. And her dumplings were right up there too. They would catch all those fish at Lake Cumberland and then she would filet them all. I remember her catching a big turtle that she ended up frying for us. I really didn’t care for the turtle, lol. But after you lose people there are things about them you really miss, things you will never have again. Troy’s chili was something I miss, and I really miss the way he always smiled no matter what, even when he was fighting cancer. He always kept a positive attitude and never complained. All I can say is I miss him, I always will too…..thanks for the memories.

Barb today, she was in my wedding all those years ago. I sent her a picture, she said we looked so young, we did because we were. It’s nice connecting with friends from way back when. I’m getting ready to part with some of Troy’s things, such as a desk he re-finished, his mother’s cedar chest. I can’t take it all with me when I move, so it’s best to part with it now. There are memories attached to all of it, there always is. Memories are what makes us who we are, they shaped us. So I guess I will say goodbye to all those items from my past, but will keep the memories of them tucked away….

an old friend yesterday, sitting on a shelf gathering dust. I decided to put it back to use. After Troy passed, I started a journal. It was ever so helpful in my grief journey. Unless you have made this trek you know nothing about all the turmoil one suffers. You can’t begin to know unless you’ve walked in those shoes. So I’ve decided my journal helped me so much I want to continue sharing all that I’m feeling. At my age, I never know when my last day on this earth will be and if after my passing my journal offers understanding into what I experienced than it was worth taking the time to share. I want others to hopefully understand the pain I experienced when Troy passed but also the other pains I experienced as a result of his death. Losing Troy wasn’t the only thing I lost, it was just the beginning. Unfortunately you lose things and people you never thought you would. So onward with the renewal of my journal…….