Jane is a Widow

it’s been 12 years since Troy took his last breath. A lot has changed. The most important thing to Troy was his family. He cried at one of my hospital visits and said he wanted the family to get along. Unfortunately he would be very disappointed and sad at the fractured state of our family. I should have seen it coming. But I was in such a state of fog when he died that I shrugged comments and things off. I’m glad he’s not here to see it. Life is so short, and if your family doesn’t mean anything to you then what does. When they are gone there’s no going back. I miss you Troy….

On this day in 2014 at 5:23 pm, I watched Troy take his last breath. God knows I miss him every single day. I’m such a better person for him having been in my life. I wrote a few random thoughts of my life with him for the 42 years we were together. From the day I met him until the day I said goodbye. Forever in my heart.

Beads of rain trickled down
in crooked, broken lines
a gentle reminder
of how fragile your life

I held your hand
the day you left
and looked into yours eyes
as death slowly crept

I whispered I love you
How we would be all right
How sad I knew I’d be
without you by my side

When I first met you
It was love at first sight
I felt it in my heart
and this I know is true

You were the best Dad
and husband no doubt
But how lonely I’ve been
since we’ve been apart

You made my life richer
just by being here
now it is so empty
and there sits your chair

I feel you everywhere
in the wind and crisp morning air
and when It’s cloudy no sunlight
I want to hug you oh so tight

I know I’ll always miss you
But I will be all right
Cause I’m slowly moving forward
and on with my life

of the night and I’m sitting here thinking about past times. It’s close to Troy’s angelversary and I’m always emotional around that day. It doesn’t get easier, the grief is ever changing. I think I’ll try to go to sleep and see if I find him in my dreams…..💔

Troy on this Fathers Day. That was your most loved job, Dad. You put your all into it. A while back I gave Ashley all the newspaper clippings you saved that were about her achievements in four sports. You laminated some of the articles, she thanked me for saving all those memories for her. I told her you had clipped them all. Missing my Dad today too. I remember taking him to MCL cafeteria for Father’s Day. I salute you two great dads and not to forget Troy’s Dad who was also an awesome man. It was like having two Dads for me, I was one lucky girl. Thank you all for all the love, guidance, and wonderful memories of all that you added to my life. Save me a seat….

don’t understand the grief that goes with losing your spouse. It’s a different grief from losing a parent. A lot of people don’t have empathy for widows/widowers. Their life goes on but ours stops dead in our tracks. Where do we go from here. We change in order to cope with our loss. We are never the same. I know Troy would want me to be safe, have help from others because he mentioned that on his deathbed. He wanted me to have people that would be there for me. Cause he would do that for others if he could. Unfortunately people let us down because they don’t understand what we are going through. If they are married they will someday go through the same thing unfortunately. I believe Troy would be glad that Melvin is here to help me when I need it. Troy would not want me to be all alone. Melvin has picked up where others have left me….for that I am thankful.

Father’s Day and it’s always a trigger for me. Troy started acting very ill on Fathers Day. He was outside messing with the pool. And he came in and he just wasn’t acting himself. He slept in his chair all night and didn’t want to go to his doctors appointment. I called them and they said to take him to emergency room. They admitted him to the hospital and little did I know he would never come home again….💔

getting items ready to sale before I move. Things like desks, cedar chests, beds, etc. is amazing how much you accumulate in your lifetime. I definitely want to downsize. I don’t need all these items, I have tons of quilts that were handmade. I’m sure I can sell them. I just need to keep downsizing, I’ll eventually get there…..

we said goodbye to Troy’s mother Ruby. She had been in the hospital since her heart attack and she never recovered from her open heart surgery. She went through so much, she ended up having to have both her legs amputated and from there things went downhill. I remember going to see her that day, it was so difficult seeing her like she was. Troy had spent every moment he could at the hospital in between working full time and attending college full time. He ended up flunking one of his classes because he spent every spare moment at the hospital. I wrote the Dean of his subject and asked how they could do that to him. How could they expect him to not spend his mother’s final days with her. They reversed his grade and excused him for his lack of presence in that class. For that I was thankful. He loved his Mother so much and so did I. Losing her was so very hard. Her death changed him….he was never the same.