Jane is a Widow

I don’t really know why I decided to go over things that happened in 2013 and 2014. I don’t know, maybe I was hoping for a different ending. Like going through it all in my mind, I could change the outcome? We all know the ending. As Troy once said, “it is what it is”. So I think I will stop here, it’s just too painful to relive those last days. Reliving it messes with my head and makes me so sad. I sometimes feel angry at Troy for leaving me behind. It was supposed to be forever. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful for Melvin, he’s been a godsend. I’m so thankful for him. I’m so thankful he was here when I had my heart attack, I don’t know if I would have been able to call 911. Thank you God and Melvin. I’ve went through other stressful events since Troy passed and there was no one there for me, now there is. Thanks Melvin.

Troy’s tumor numbers continued to look worse and worse. I did some research and found that UT Southwestern in Dallas had an oncologist which specialized in esophageal cancer. I thought maybe he would have some fresh ideas on how to get Troy’s numbers moving in the right direction. I made an appointment and after we met with the oncologist he came up with a new plan. His chemo cocktail was changed. We were praying it would help. Thank God he wasn’t nauseated from it, he was just still in a lot of pain from the radiation. The next round of blood work looked promising. His tumor numbers were moving in the right direction. He also had to have an injection every other week that costs $10,000, it was to boost his white blood cell count. I was so shocked when I saw how much the injection costs. Fingers crossed, we moved forward. Thank you God. We were now in 2014, I prayed that Troy would continue to move in the right direction.

During his treatment, Troy stayed true to himself. No matter how bad he felt or how much pain he was in, he remained true to his goal. KICK CANCER’S BUTT. I knew him better than anyone else and vice versa. He’s not here to defend himself, so to say things that supposedly occurred while he was still alive, is unfair. But that’s what dishonest people do. They wait until circumstances favor them and make up lies. Troy would be so disappointed, that’s what all our friends say. The important thing to remember is people know the truth. I’m so thankful for all our friends. Thank God for people in my life who are honest and true. They have my back.

When I let the dogs out this morning it felt very strange. Something in the air felt familiar. The morning felt like it did back in 2013. Brought tears to my eyes. Our life had taken a sharp left turn and there was no going back. This was it. The fact that we didn’t like it, didn’t matter. I have days where I feel like I’m back there, and this was one of them. There is so much intertwined in our lives. There are memories everywhere I look. This was about the same time my Aunt Allie and a cousin took my Aunt Beulah for a visit to Kentucky. I wish I had known they were going to do that cause I would have told them not to. One of the worst things you can do to someone who is suffering from dementia is to take them out of their comfort zone. Allie called me from Kentucky and asked me what I was going to do cause Beulah was acting upset. There was nothing I could do, you just need to get her home. Which they did, more stress is not what I needed. Allie wanted me to come up there because of Beulah, I told her I really couldn’t because Troy was dealing with cancer. I loved Beulah dearly, but I just couldn’t get up there. Sometimes all of these memories hit me it seems like all at once. I just sort through them and try to move forward. That’s all you I can do.

Our neighborhood was so very helpful during Troy’s treatment. They brought meals and our neighbors right next door mowed the yard for us. All these things helped so much. We were so grateful. I was so busy working two jobs and trying to keep up with all that was going on with Troy. I started having trouble writing and my legs and hands would tremble. I had trouble sleeping and I was losing weight fast. I went to the doctor and he discovered that I had developed an overactive thyroid. I had to then have an iodine test done and I was put on meds to bring the thyroid under control. I’m sure it was from all the stress I was under, eventually I went into remission and today I remain there. No one understands what it is like to watch a loved one battle cancer, there’s nothing you can really do other than pray, pray, pray. And sometimes those prayers don’t get answered the way we wished. It was so painful for me to watch Troy do battle with it. He remained so optimistic, he was willing to fight to the end. He never gave up hope, if he did he never told me. I remember watching his Mother when his father was dealing with cancer. It was so hard on her, she wasn’t healthy herself. Only when I started dealing with Troy’s cancer, did I fully understand what she went through. People have a bad habit of saying “oh I know how you feel”, no you don’t unless you went through the same thing. It’s easy to assume you know.

After Troy came home he started his chemo and radiation. I remember his first appointment with his oncologist, she said he was stage 4 and she could try and take him to near death with treatments but she was only going to treat him so that he would be able to eat hamburgers again. She didn’t ask him what he wanted, she made the decision for him. She failed on being able to eat hamburgers, he was never able to eat anything. The radiation treatments left him with lots of stomach pain. He said it felt like his chest was burned on the inside. I would sometimes go with him, and it saddened me to see all the people sitting there waiting on their treatments. At the same time, my aunt Beulah (who treated me like her daughter) was showing signs of dementia. I had been trying for years to get her to come and live with us, but she always declined. She was a Worley and they are known to be very stubborn. We talked weekly and she always wrote me. I could tell when I talked to her that her mind was not what it used to be. I couldn’t go help her because Troy needed me here. I remember when we had just moved here, we were staying with my brother, and we needed to find our own place to stay and EDS was talking about getting just Troy an apartment, I told him I could take the kids back to Indiana until the house sold and we could move into a house. I remember him saying please don’t do that, I couldn’t make it here without my family, so I knew I couldn’t leave him during his fight to go and help my aunt.

Troy would be in the hospital for a while so the hole in his esophagus could close. Before he would leave there he would have to have a feeding tube inserted in his stomach. He still couldn’t swallow food. He would never again be able to swallow food. Troy loved eating. It was so sad to see someone that loved eating not be able to. I felt guilty eating in front of him, or cooking and the smell would be throughout the house, yet he would not be able to eat any. I loved his breakfast burritos that he made with potatoes. Even though he couldn’t eat them, he would make them for me. I remember standing in the kitchen looking at him and he said “it is what it is”. He had tears in his eyes, I said “you can’t leave me here by myself.” He gave me a big hug. The thought of him not being around was more than I could take.

We waited for the ambulance to transport Troy to the hospital. The doctor said he would probably need surgery to repair the hole. I was getting angrier and angrier at the nurse who kept telling Troy to be quiet. I could tell he was in severe pain. After he got to the hospital, I told a nurse that another nurse was getting on Troy for moaning. She said that’s very painful when that happens. They started giving him morphine and I could see the relief starting. Surgeons decided against surgery because the cancer had already spread to his lungs and liver. He was admitted to ICU and it was very important that he didn’t swallow anything. If he did, it could cause an infection. I told his doctor that I didn’t appreciate how he was being treated at the other facility. I received a call the next day apologizing for the way the nurse treated Troy. This was the start of Troy’s fight with cancer.

October 16, 2013 turned out to be the start of the biggest challenge me and Troy would face together. I took my data to my job in Plano, loaded it on their computer, finished any changes I needed to make and headed for home. We left shortly after I got home for Troy’s appointment. This was supposed to be an easy test, and after he woke up we were supposed to head home. But that’s not how it went down at all. He went back to the procedure room and then some time later the nurse came to get me. When I got back to where Troy was , he was moaning as if he were in a lot of pain. The words that came out of the doctors mouth were “I think your husband has cancer”. I felt my heart drop to the floor and was just sure I heard him wrong. I wanted to scream NO MY HUSBAND CANT HAVE CANCER!! Then he said he accidentally perforated his esophagus obtaining a biopsy. Troy was moaning, the nurse was getting on him about making noise and my head was spinning. This can’t be happening! NO!! I exited to the bathroom just to collect my thoughts and feelings. I was in such disbelief that this was happening. I wanted to scream and cry. I wanted a redo on the day. Can we please start over with a different end result. I know God was with me, otherwise I would have never made it. Thank you God. To be continued….

I remember asking for October 16th off from one of my jobs. I told my boss that Troy was having a procedure done, and he needed me to drive him home afterwards. What I was about to find out was I needed the day off for more than just that.