Jane is a Widow

Cards and messages from the past. They were in a box and they were from years ago. Birthday, anniversary, Mother’s Day cards. They all had the same message, a message of love which always makes us feel warm inside. Makes us feel appreciated and loved. But now many years later I see that those words weren’t really true, cause if they had been true then they would be true today. You don’t just stop loving someone unless you really never loved them to begin with. Unfortunately we all hurt people but that doesn’t make us stop loving them. We are all human and we make mistakes, say hurtful things but we still have love. It’s painful to see the written words I love you from someone that no longer feels that way about you but did in the past…did you really love me or were they just words.

at 5:23 pm, Troy took his last breath. It was all so surreal, hard to believe that he was gone. I had been talking to him the whole time and he kept trying to open his eyes but he couldn’t. As I walked out of the hospital it seemed so surreal to me. Like I was out looking in, that it was all a bad dream. Unfortunately it wasn’t. My life as I remembered it was no longer there. Everything had changed. I remember my mother telling me that she sat on her couch for 6 months after my father died. She was so lost, I also found myself lost. What do I do, where do I go? You wonder how you will survive without them. It’s not easy that’s for sure. You suddenly find yourself in charge of everything, things you know nothing about. I remember he had been having trouble with algae in the pool, when I came home from the hospital I could not believe how bad the pool looked and how I knew nothing about taking care of it. I had told my brother who also had a pool, I thought maybe he would help me but he didn’t. He was nowhere to be found, neither was my sister in law. They distanced themselves from me, Troy would not be happy about that. Slowly I started finding people to help me with different things going on. God was the one who saw me through it all and he is still there cheering me on. If you have lost a spouse, don’t give up on yourself. You can do it, it’s a hard journey but believe in yourself that you can do it because I know you can….I did

To Troy’s death anniversary. It’s a painful time for me, changes every year. Grief for the loss of a spouse is ever changing. The pain is still there. I think back to the many changes during our marriage and how we made it through all the pain together. Now I’m on my own. It’s so hard…..

was yesterday and there were three men in my family who deserved to be acknowledged for being a great father. Troy was an exceptional father, always putting his children first. My father was known to be a hard worker who spent his early years in the Army after being drafted. The stories he used to tell me were so unbelievable, it helped me to understand him. Troy’s Dad was also an exceptional father, he had a horrible childhood yet he was so good to Troy. The story I was told was that his father died and when his mother remarried she was told she could only keep the youngest child, so John and his older sister Dorothy were sent to live with relatives. John said he was sent from family to family. He held very deep resentment for this. He was a gruff man but he was so giving. I loved all three of them in different ways. I miss all three of them, they all made a difference in my life. We should always be thankful for those in our life that helped shape us into who were are today. Thank you all for being a part of my life…..

was my Bridesmaid when I got married. We were such good friends, always hanging out together. She was such a good friend. She’s in my prayers now because she is dealing with cancer. I am so sorry that she has to deal with such an awful disease. I hope that one of these days I will get to see her. We haven’t seen each other since April 24, 1976. She was always there for me. She was a good friend to Troy too. I’m praying you get well Barbara……

When we moved to Texas in 1995, I started a new job in 1996 analyzing television commercials. It was unlike any job I had before. I met Lori when I started working there and we became friends. We had lunch together often, our favorite being the potato soup at Cheddars. The man we worked for was something else to say the least, lol. Hope to never meet anyone like him again. Lori ended up quitting there, getting married and moving to Australia. I kept working from home for the company till 2016, two years after Troy passed. Lori just returned for a visit after leaving Texas 17 years ago. We were going to try and do lunch, our special potato soup but an emergency on my end prevented it. She told me she will be back soon and hopefully we can get together then. I have so many great memories of working with her and nightmare ones too, haha. Safe travels home Lori, love you……

finding your way after losing your spouse. It’s like you’re outside looking in. Where did my life go, I don’t recognize it anymore. How can I go on? How can I find my way. Looking to God is a good way to start. He will walk beside you showing you the way. Don’t give up, show up every day and don’t get discouraged. It’s so hard, the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’m still here by the grace of God. Family has turned on me but it hasn’t stopped me. Don’t ever let them stop you from moving forward in an effort to be happy. It’s unfortunate that they want to deny you happiness after the loss you have suffered. Just keep plugging along….you will get there.