Jane is a Widow

Today would have been our 44th wedding anniversary. When I got up this morning I remembered that 44 years ago at 2 pm I would become Troys wife. It was like a fairytale to me. Almost had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. Marrying the man of my dreams. I loved hm so much, from the first time I met him. Such a wonderful memory. Hope I always remember it. It doesn’t get easier each year, just different. I will always love hm, this I know. He lives in my heart. Happy Anniversary Troy.

I think spring is almost here.  Makes me think of Troy and how he would be planning his garden.   I’m still at a loss about Dr. Crates.  He was my doctor for 20 years so its hard for me to contemplate another doctor dealing with my RSD.  But I have to find someone to replace him.  I thought he would always be around to take care of my leg.  I am kind of at a loss right now.  Need to start making decisions and sticking with them.  Sometimes I’m all over the place.  I guess I am still finding myself.  I think the real me was buried for many years.  I just keep uncovering layers of myself.

I received a letter on Monday that Dr. Crates had passed away on December 28.  I am so saddened by this news.  He became my orthopedic doctor in 2000.  He found the tumor, removed it and most importantly fix the gaping hole in my leg.  If not for him, I would have lost my lower leg.  He had no idea what he was getting himself into when he did my first surgery.  But he never gave up and finally was able to resolve the issue.  There is no way I can replace him.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin.  For twenty years he had been my pain management doctor and he completely understood what I was dealing with.  He was only 54, so young.  And he leaves behind 3 girls and a wife.  I can sure understand the sadness his wife is experiencing.  There are really no adequate words to convey my sorrow.  It still seems unreal.  I was in the office on December 16 and he wasn’t there but I was looking forward to seeing him in March.  There are ways people touch our lives and we don’t really realize how deep until  they are gone.  I know I will always miss him. If something should go wrong with my ankle, I know I will wish he were around to fix it.  You were an amazing doctor and person, John Crates, may you rest in peace.

I’ve sure been in a funk this month.  Thanksgiving was nice, seeing everyone all together and Ashley was so talkative.  I was glad to see her enjoying herself.  I didn’t get sloshed like I did at the Halloween party lol.  But I had fun.  I read a post on a fellow widowers timeline.  He was very sad and disappointed about the holiday.  I could understand his pain.  Unfortunately he spent the holiday alone and was no longer alive as of yesterday.  I wish he would have remembered that tomorrow things can look so different.  It saddens me when I hear of fellow widowers that fall by the wayside.  I don’t know, maybe we failed them in some way.  Or maybe they just don’t open themselves up to us enough.  I understand all those feelings they are experiencing yet somehow they still feel all alone and isolated.  We just need to take their hand and let them know they are not all alone.  We are right there beside them.  Lean on us.  We will hold you up.  I remember my mother telling me that for six months she sat on the couch day in and day out in shock.  Finally a co worker came to visit her and told her she needed to come back to work.  She eventually did but for all those months she sat alone on her couch wondering what happened to her life.  I’m sorry that I didn’t realize the pain she was in.  She never told me about it till many years later.  Guess that’s why the words,” be kind to others because you never know what they may be going through” is so true.

Here we are again, that dreaded time of the year, HOLIDAYS!  I will be so glad when they are over and done with.  They just aren’t the same anymore.  I have been through so many changes in the last 5 1/2 years and they just keep coming.  I have people that are imposing even more changes on me.  Things I have been doing for 30 plus years I’m no longer doing.  I mean I know things can’t stay the same, but they are some changes that are imposed by others unfortunately.  We all eventually are faced with all these changes.  I never understood what my Mother went through when my Dad passed away.  I now have first hand knowledge of what happens.  That’s why it would be nice if others had more compassion and understanding for they one day will go through the same process.  And it is life changing for sure.  Empathy is so important.  To at least try to understand what one is going through.  For one day you may also appreciate someone’s understanding of what you are going through……believe me you will.

Yesterday, September 22 was the 6 year anniversary our our last vacation together.  In the weeks leading up to it I kept asking Troy where he wanted to go, he finally said let’s go to the beach in Florida.  I think Troy knew this would be our last vacation together.  He had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for when we got back.  The doctor said everything looked okay on the x-ray he had done but he wanted to do a scope just in case there was something else going on.  Boy was he ever wrong.  The life changing diagnosis was about to hit us in the face.  Our lives would never be the same.  Troy was always to optimistic, I loved that about him.  It seemed to make up for all my pessimism.

We all went out again this year in remembrance of Troy’s birthday.  It left me feeling sad and depressed.  Maybe it is time to quit doing this remembrance.  It dredges up all the feelings and memories of the last week of his life.  This time of the year is difficult anyway cause we always went to Vegas in September and in 2013 we went to Florida for the last time.  The air always feels different when the seasons are changing.  I have so many memories of this time of year.  This is the time of year that I met John in 1974.  A lot of good memories but also painful ones.  I will always remember his birthday but maybe it’s time to move forward and remember it in a different way……

Today Troy would have been 68, but he is forever at 62.  It’s been five years and the wounds feel fresh like something disturbed the protective layer covering them.  Heard lots of music this past weekend that reminded me of him.  He would have loved the concert. There was a dragonfly buzzing around most of the afternoon.  I saw lots of couples there, so lucky to still have each other.  As time goes on, I am so thankful for the millions of memories we made.  Sure there were times that things weren’t perfect but the good sure outweighed any bad there was.  I think it would be a sad life to not have those memories to reflect on.  They are what keep us warm and give us comfort when we are lonely or sad.  He gave me so much during those 38 years of marriage.  One of the last things he said to me was that he loved me more now than ever.  So I know he left this world thankful for the life we had together.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been over 5 years since Troy passed.  Some days it feels like just yesterday and other days like an eternity.  Starting on Father’s Day I begin to relive the whole experience…..from when he first became extremely ill till his last breath.  It’s images that are forever ingrained in my mind.  Like a nightmare. There was nothing beautiful about that week, just sadness.  Sometimes I remember and think I was just floating through the air watching it all unfold before me.  Go to bed at night and wake up to the reality of what was happening.  Everything was in slow motion.  I just kept telling him that last day that it was okay to go we would be okay.  What a big lie that was.  I knew I wouldn’t be okay without him but I had to let him go.  I told him what a great husband and dad he was.  He was one of a kind.  I’m sure if he could have been smiling he would have.  He tried so hard to stay with us but it just was not meant to be.  It was his time to go.  And here I am 5 years later still trying to find myself.  I don’t know if I ever will.  If I could have him back in a minute, I surely would.

Today I have been overwhelmed by the sadness that enveloped me in June of 2014.  It all seems so surreal.  It was like I was floating through the days watching it all unfold and knowing what the end result was going to be.  I kept myself engrossed in work cause that was my escape from it all.  I am so thankful that Trey was there to carry on where I was unable to.  Maybe I thought keeping with my routine would ensure that it would all pass and everything would be just as it was.  But in five short days he would take his last breath……and my life would forever be changed.  I could see him getting closer and closer to that moment.  Everything had changed so drastically in the previous week.  He had been laughing and joking around and now I was standing there looking at him watching a machine breathe for him.  This man who loved life and people was slipping away from me, from all of us.  I felt responsible, like I did something wrong so he was being taken from me.