Jane is a Widow

June 25 was the four year anniversary of Troy’s death.  I just kept replaying the image of that day over and over in my mind.  I know I will never forget it.  It is etched permanently into my memory.  I try to remember him laughing and talking in the hopes that those memories will overshadow his last moments here on earth.  It seems so surreal.  Like it just happened but then again that it happened so long ago.  I no longer listen for his car coming down the driveway and I no longer wake up in the morning and say please let this all be a nightmare.  I know I still love him so very much.  I would love for him to be back in my life.  I am pretty sure I will always feel this way.  He made everything all right.  And now everything is so jumbled up.  Some days I feel like I have given up, I am just existing.  I just can’t seem to find my way.  What path do I follow?  Will someone please take my hand and show me?  Guide me.  Please.

The memories of Troy’s last days just keep replaying over and over in my mind.  The Monday after Father’s Day he was admitted to the hospital and was started on antibiotics for the pneumonia.  They weren’t sure of the strain of bacteria that had invaded his body.  He seemed to be doing fairly well. They were going to move him to a regular room on Tuesday but he never made it there.  He took a turn for the worse, he was having so much trouble breathing.  He was gasping for air.  The texts he sent me before he went to bed sounded like he was doing so good.  Something happened in the middle of the night that turned things all around.  He was struggling to breathe after that.  I hate having that image in my head.  I couldn’t do anything for him.  I couldn’t make it better.  I wanted to take him home and start the week all over again.  I was mad at him for getting sicker.  Even though he couldn’t help it.  I wanted him to be well.  I wanted him to laugh like he always did and make everything all right.  He was always so positive about things.  He told me that day when I was at the hospital that we had a good life together.  I think he was trying to prepare me for the inevitable.  This may sound selfish but I couldn’t bear to watch him struggle to breathe.  It was more than I could take.  I just kept praying he would get better.  I asked all my prayer warrior friends to please pray for him.  And they did.  But it just wasn’t meant to be.  No matter how bad I wanted it, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Yesterday was Father’s Day and I just couldn’t quit thinking about Troy.  It was the one job he loved the most.  And it seemed like everyone had forgotten that about him.  It made me so sad.  I had to acknowledge him in a facebook post to remind everyone what a good father he was.  If just for a second they thought of him then I’m so glad I did it.  I tagged him in the post.  I thought of my own father too.  I miss his wisdom and advice.  They are always with us.  They are right there and the next minute than can be gone.  In an instant.  Father’s day was when Troy started becoming very ill from the pneumonia.  He went into the hospital the day after and he never came home.  So this week is painful for me, I just always relive all the sadness and how he looked and how he struggled to breathe.  There wasn’t anything I could do to make it better for him.  The tears are welling up in my eyes right now just thinking about it.  It’s like a sore that the scab starts coming off on and it hurts all over again.  So bad, it hurts so bad.  Wish I could put a band aid on myself and make it all better.  There’s no band aid for grief.  It’s just there staring you in the face when you wake up in the morning, all day, and when you go to bed at night.  It’s pesky.  Sometimes you can’t catch your breath, and you think you’re going to suffocate.  Then you just remember to breathe slow and deep until everything comes back into focus.  God I miss him.

I’ve been in such a different mood lately.  I miss Troy so much some days.  I went to the cemetery and put some flowers in the vase.  I have been neglectful of his grave.  It’s just so hard to go there.  He isn’t there anyway.  Some days it is all I can do to make myself get up.  I know people don’t understand that.  It’s like I can’t find my way.  Like I’m so lost and I can’t find the right direction to go.  Like I am just floating around aimlessly.  He kept me grounded, I miss that.  And for all those friends who have deserted me, you can’t escape death by avoiding me.  I really believe that is why people cut themselves off from you.  They look at you and think that will never happen in my family.  But it does, it eventually comes full circle for all of us.  No matter how much you want to prevent it, you can’t.  It just smacks you right in the face.  Shakes your whole world up and brings you to your knees.  I look in the mirror now and don’t recognize myself.  Where did I go?  Where am I?  Who am I?

My Mother’s Day was great.  It is one of the most important days of the year to me.  One of the gifts Trey got me brought tears to my eyes.  Troy always bought me a sweatshirt jacket every year and for mother’s day Trey bought me one in Norway.  I love it.  It’s so special.  I was so touched by the jacket that it brought tears to my eyes.  Made me so happy.  Ashley had flowers sent to me.  They were beautiful.  It was just an awesome Mother’s Day.  I thought of my own mother and how I wished she had loved me.  I’m so sorry that she left this earth not loving me.  Sometimes the pain cuts me deep like a knife.  I would have loved to have a good relationship with her but it just wasn’t meant to be.  I missed my Aunt yesterday too.  I always called her on Mother’s Day and sent her a card.  She was like a mother to me.  I miss her so much.  I could talk to her about anything and everything.  She was always there for me.  She made such a difference in my life.  And I thought of Troy’s mother too.  She loved me like a daughter.  She was so good to me.  I miss her too.  All of these women helped shape me into who I am today.  They all played different roles in my life.  And I loved them all.

Seems like this week I have been in kind of a funk.  Spring is hard because Troy loved being outside and working in the yard and planting tomatoes.  After the incident with the snake happened, I again realized how alone I really am.   No one to help me, and there are just some things I can’t handle.  Snakes are one of those things.  I find myself almost in tears every time I write here.  My life has changed so much in the last four years, I have changed so much.  Never did I think I would be where I am at this age.  I had my dreams of retirement and me and him with each other every day.  But that was not meant to be.  I still hardly ever go and visit his grave.  It’s just too painful.  Going there is like a big slap in the face to bring me back to the reality that he is gone.  Like I don’t know that already.  Of course he’s gone, I get a reminder of it daily.  When I wake up, when I go to bed, when I wake up in the middle of the night. I know I will always love him.  I just will.  He’s too much a part of me.  I look at friends who spent their lives alone and I am thankful that I spent my life with someone.  I am not saying it was easy but it was worth it.  He made my life so much richer.  I can’t even imagine never meeting him.  Those were some of the last words he said to me, “we had a good life together”.  So true, so very true.

Today would have been our 42nd anniversary. I found myself in tears last night and this morning.  I was so happy on this day 42 years ago.  I thought he would always be in my life.  But he slipped away, out of my life forever.  I just get so lost in the sadness of it all sometimes.  I sometimes feel like I am on a roller coaster, riding the waves of grief.  Some days I feel so optimistic, like I have come so far and other days I feel like I am back at the starting line getting ready to run the race of my life.  There was kind of a relief when he took his last breath, no more watching him struggle daily yet that also meant I could no longer touch or hear him.  I look at other couples and I will admit I’m jealous.  Why is their spouse still alive.  Why did mine have to die.  I needed Troy just as much as they need theirs.  Then there are the couples who bicker constantly yet they continue on.  I always felt like God brought us together, he also took us apart.  He left me on my own to wallow in my grief and sadness.  There is just a sea of us grievers, bobbing up and down on the waves.  Sometimes it’s like I can’t come up for air.  That I am going to suffocate in my grief.  We comfort each other, cause we know the pain.  I’ve found someone to share my feelings with.  He has helped me immensely.  I don’t feel so all alone now, I feel loved.  I am so changed.  I never knew what I had deep inside of me until I had to reach for it.

I have been in a funk the last two days.  I get like this every now and then.  Don’t know what causes it or how to get out of it.  I just have to let things run their course.  I am sure a lot of goes back to my childhood.  When you have a mother who really doesn’t love you or want you, it affects everything about you.  Troy made everything right.  I was able to deal with all of it when he was alive.  It’s coming up on our anniversary, my mother’s birthday and shortly after, the one year anniversary of her death.  Maybe I will feel better after it has all passed.  My life has changed so much since Troy’s death.  In so many ways.  I look at it and don’t even recognize it sometimes.  I’ve been having nightmares lately.  I need to write them down when they wake me up cause I never can remember them when I wake up in the morning.  I just remember being scared.  Last night I was actually hiding underneath the covers I was so scared.  I didn’t dream for years after Troy died, now all of a sudden I am dreaming.  Guess I will see what happens tonight…….

I was weepy over the weekend.  I hate when I get like that.  I just get so overwhelmed by all the sadness that I can only see that.  All the memories wander through my mind constantly.  A song will jar one, or going to a place will bring one to mind.  Lots of things trigger them.  I didn’t realize how many there were, it’s like zillions of them.  All meshed together to make one big one.  I’m so thankful for all of them.  They are me.  They are my life.  I can’t imagine not having them.  How empty my thoughts would be.  For 38 years he helped me make daily memories that would bring me comfort on so many lonely nights.

When I woke up this morning I was in one of those funky moods where I question everything decision I make.  It’s like I never trust myself to make the right decision.  All those years of depending on him to help me make decisions has left me unable to make any on my own or so I think it has.  It’s like I don’t trust myself to make the right decision.  Like I’m not capable of it.  I always thought he would be here, always.  Never did I think I would be waking up every morning without him in my life.  That only happens to other people, not me.  He always knew the right thing to say.  No matter what was going on he knew the answer.  But none of that could save him.  It can’t save me.  He was so smart.  And you never realize how important people in your life are until they are gone.  And you’re left with everything, all the decisions, all the loneliness.  And everyone thinks you are supposed to hurry up and move forward.  They try and compare the loss of a parent to it or getting divorced.  There is no comparison.  I grew up with Troy.  We learned things together.  I learned so much from him.  More than I ever learned before we met.  It’s like you mesh together into one being.  You’re separate yet you aren’t.  So when they are no longer alive, there’s this big empty space inside you.  All of the memories and thoughts are there but it ceases to entail new information.  It comes to a screeching halt.  The days spent with him stopped, his voice stopped, I no longer heard his car coming down the driveway, or him walking down the stairs.  No longer able to answer my questions or help me make decisions.  It was like my heart was crushed, broken.  It has jagged edges now, not all smooth.  Forever changed.