sadness…..

Last weekend I read some writings done by another widow.  I was touched by her words and feelings conveyed by those words.  She is just 8 months into this widow journey and here I am almost 4 years into it and I wonder if I will always be this sad.  I guess I really thought over time I would start to feel better and not miss Troy so much but that isn’t true.  I see him everywhere, he is constantly in my thoughts, all the millions of memories we made together.  All the memories interwoven in my mind, I am so thankful for them.  The good times, the not so good times, they are me.  He helped shape me into who I am today.  He will always be a part of me.  I just wish the sadness and loneliness wasn’t there.  When I married him, I sure didn’t think that one day I would have to say goodbye to him and go it alone.  I remember standing in the kitchen hugging him, asking him to please not leave me here all alone.  I saw tears in his eyes.  He didn’t want to leave.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now.  Just thinking about him and his absence does that to me.  I am so much more emotional now than I ever was.  I feel things so deeply.  Everything touches me to my core now.  He isn’t physically here yet I see him everywhere.  His work shoes still sit by his chair.  He influences every decision I make.  He lives in my heart and mind.  He’s just a thought away.  I wish I could touch him, feel his skin, hear his voice, his laugh.  I look around the garage and I am angry sometimes for all that he left me with.  His things are everywhere.  Not necessarily things he needed, but maybe just things he wanted.  I feel so frustrated sometimes.  What to do with it all, and he’s not here to help me.  To guide me, to tell me what to do with it all.