Jane is a Widow

Birthday to Troy. Yesterday was his birthday. He would have been 73 years old. I miss him. I know I always will. I often wonder where we would be if he were still alive. I think he would have been retired and we would have moved on to the hill country. He wouldn’t recognize this area now. It’s exploded with apartments, businesses etc. I miss the quiet we had when we moved here. God led us directly to where I am. You know sometimes God removes people from your life for your protection. I believe that is what happened after Troy passed. I hope Lucy found him when she passed. Love you Troy, miss you always.

back home today from Caliber Collision. It took almost 3 weeks to repair it but it didn’t really seem that long. It’s getting close to Troy’s birthday, I always get sad remembering how the family all celebrated his birthday by going out to eat. The last birthday we celebrated with him we went to Rafael’s to eat. He couldn’t keep his food down, this was a little more than a month from his diagnosis. I think of that day every time I pass that restaurant…..

changing, I always love the colors of Fall and so did Troy. I really didn’t like what followed it in Indiana, but the fall was a beautiful time of the year. Next week is Labor Day and Troy’s birthday was always around that day or on it. I still miss him and always will. I’ll be sure and think of him on what would have been his birthday.

today is your first birthday in doggie heaven. I miss you so much, it’s still hard to believe you’re gone. You were such a big part of my life for 14 years. And all those days you sat with Troy while he was sick. I loved the way you would sit on your bed with your front paws crossed. You were so sweet, I hope you found Sadie and Troy when you crossed Rainbow Bridge. If it hadn’t been for you and Sadie I would have never made it after Troy passed. You both made me get out of bed every day. Thank you for always being there for me, I’ll always love and miss you……

my Dad passed away in 1995. I held his hand and told him that I loved him, I hope he heard me. It was so strange going back to his house and he wasn’t there. The next day we made his funeral arrangements, everyone was arguing over ridiculous stuff. I left and walked back to the house. Our family has to be one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever known. Really sad. Everyone is afraid someone is going to get a little bit ahead of them. Who cares?? I don’t. It would be so much better if we could get along, but that will never happen. That’s how we were raised, pitted one against the other. Life is way too short to be fussing and fighting but there are some people who are so narcissistic they can’t see the forest for the trees…..thanks but no thanks

Indiana visiting my Dad who was on a ventilator after suffering a stroke. When I walked into his room, and he saw me tears starting streaming down his face. He was trying to say something and I am pretty sure it was please disconnect me from this. He always said he didn’t want to be on a ventilator. That night I stayed in our house that we were trying to sell. It was very eerie being there by myself. The next morning I remember the hospital calling saying we needed to get over there as soon as possible. It was like one big nightmare, you never think your parents are going to die, you always see them as you remembered them when you were a kid. It’s like they don’t age in your eyes. We always think it will never happen to us but it does……

July 1995 was a year of big changes for our family. Troy started a new career and we moved our family 1000 miles from everyone and everything they loved. I also watched my Father take his last breath. Troy was beside me through all of these changes, I always thought he would be right there by my side through everything. Sadly, he isn’t. I miss him, I wonder what he would think of the world today. I’m pretty sure he would be shocked, and saddened at our world. People have become so mean, even turning on family. The world today sure isn’t the one I grew up in. We all got along no matter what the differences, or what we believed. That didn’t matter. We all loved each other. Maybe some day we will find ourselves right back there….loving and being kind to everyone……

Troy started his new job at EDS, we all moved from Indiana to Texas and moved into our new home. What a trip it was, leaving a place I had lived at for almost 40 years, leaving my elderly parents, it was definitely something I never thought I would do. So many big changes for our family. It’s hard for me to believe it has been that long, sometimes it feels like yesterday. I miss things about Indiana, I have so many good memories of growing up there. But I definitely think moving to Texas was the right decision. Almost all of my family from Indiana has passed away, but the memories are still there. I went back there in 2014 for my class reunion. It was barely two months after Troy passed away, it was nice seeing old classmates. I probably won’t go to the one this year, I no longer have somewhere to stay while I’m there. And my friend
Robbin has passed and won’t be there. It just won’t be the same without her. Plus it is such a drive, flying would be the way to go but I think I will pass and just make one of my trips to the hill country, which I love. I find such peace in the hill country, I must get myself in gear to move there, that’s my ultimate goal. Here’s to new memories……

was so hard. The ten year anniversary of Troy’s death was so hard. I almost felt like I was reliving the day he died. All the memories flooded my mind, it was so painful. Sometimes it seems like it gets easier and then bam it hits you all over again. I miss him, I miss our life together, our plans, all of it I miss. The good times and the bad, I miss it all. I hope that one day it will all be softer, gentler, and less sad. I have a gazillion memories of us, so I will never run out of those. Maybe next years anniversary will be less painful…..just maybe

Ago you took your last breath at 5:23 p.m. I miss you as much today as I did then. My life forever changed, it would never be the same. I’ll miss and love you forever. This year has been especially hard for me for some reason. I sometimes get mad at you for leaving me even though I know it wasn’t your fault. Unfortunately we didn’t grow old together and get to do all those things we planned. I loved you from the moment I met you. That will never change. Until we meet again…..